Little bits of Grace

I've been hiding out in my bed, grieving, hurting, and trying to forget, in turns.  In all of this, as we mourn the loss of this pregnancy and the hopes we had for our baby, I am overwhelmed by little bits of Grace throughout my days.

The moms from my MOMS Club and friends from church who have come and brought me food, done my dishes (several times!!), taken my baby girl to play with their children, offered help and support in more ways than I knew I needed. 

The sweet relationship between Matt and Cora that bloomed more full and beautiful through long days spent in each others company.  Twelve hour days alone with a toddler can be difficult, but I've had 16 months to work up to it!  Matt jumped into full time care for  her and is doing a fabulous job.  I could hardly stand to stay upstairs in bed listening to the giggles and fun that echoed up the stairway.

The deepening of friendships that this has meant.  It's as though only those who have passed through this sorrow can understand those who have passed through it before.  Understanding these women on a more profound level.

Matt and I drawing together in our grief, rather than falling apart.

My sweet girl more precious in my heart than ever before. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers, thoughts, wisdom, dinners, childcare, and love.  I'll be back in a little while.

Empty

After a long weekend of worrying, now we know. My body got the message to make a space for a baby to grow, but the ultrasound confirmed it today, no baby ever grew there. Please send prayers our way as we mourn the 9 week baby that grew in our hearts, but not in my body.  I'll be silent for awhile longer.

Whoo hoo - Baby #2

So I've been trying to think of a clever way to make some news public with a fun picture, maybe a softly lit scene blah, blah, blah.  But I can't and it's the news I'm going to tell you that is the reason why.

I'm pregnant(!) and tired.


Yes, again.  Yes, it's soon. We planned it that way.  Yes, Cora will be just under 2 years old when this baby comes.  The due date is September 19th.  Yes, we plan to try a VBAC.  Yes, I might be insane for that.  Yes, we plan to find out the sex...shhhheeew.  Any other questions I've forgotten?  OK.  So now you know why I've been such a whiny, flaky blogger lately.  I'm pooped.

I'm excited, don't get me wrong, but this is the second one, so I don't have many illusions of what is to come.  Last time there was all the mystery of labor, of ultrasounds, of wondering how motherhood would be, of enjoying ice-cream whenever I felt like it.  This time there are memories of a traumatic birth experience, of swelling up so big that I lost feeling in my extremities for months, of being unable to sleep for the need to pee constantly and from the pain of numb extremities, the need to maintain my weight at it's current level since I stayed a fatty after the last baby and they want me to not gain weight (groan!!) or no more than 15 lbs (so no ice-cream for me) and, my favorite, INSANITY!

I lose my mind when I'm pregnant.  Everything is 1000 times bigger than it really is.  Everything is the end of the world!  I mean, I told the Geek I was going to divorce him over the garbage this morning.  It's slightly (very slightly) amusing in hindsight, but I can bet you that he is still stinging from it.  I really am sorry, Honey!!  I'm not leaving on a Greyhound bus with our babies, bound for Texas!  (See?  Crazy!!  Why would I even say that?  I love my hubby even if the garbage doesn't get taken out!  And a trip to Texas on a Greyhound bus with a 15 month old would be hours and hours of torture - not unlike living with a crazy wife...hmmm  I'm so sorry!)

So there you have it.  The news.  Now can I go have a nap?

Sickies and sludge

Knock on wood, I am, so far, immune to the sickies around here.  They circle around me with their germs, coughing on me in the night and sneezing all over me with their little and big noses.  Oh these two are DETERMINED to infect me.  But I won't give in!  I won't!!  I will take my vitamins and eat chewable vitamin C like it is CANDY and I will drink water until my bladder gives up the good fight and just explodes!! 

I won't take a picture of the absolute sacrilege to my soul that is the current state of the great outdoors, so recently clothed in the garment of winter bride.  Now she has been wearing that gown to stomp in mud puddles!!  Oh it's too much for my beauty loving soul.  The piles of gray and black sludge that used to be snow piled in the grocery store parking lot!  I can't bear it.  I'm from the south.  Snow doesn't hang around there long enough to get piled anywhere! 

So instead I give you, a stolen kiss (taken by the Geek/Papa) and the most ghetto snowman ever rolled up (by me and the neighbor kids while my sickies slept).  With rocks for teeth, nostrils and eyes.  Yes.  Rocks.  (Which can only be topped by the one my friend showed me and promised to put on her blog soon.  Natty Ice beer bottle tops for buttons, folks.  Need I say more?)