10 years - a letter to my husband

Hey babe,
I sat down to write you a song for our anniversary, but my fingers were rusty from disuse on the frets of my guitar and the words were halting, resisting my efforts to mold them into lines and phrases that said what I wanted them to.   There's just too much to say.  Our 10th anniversary is today and I am watching five marriages dissolve around me.  People who have been together as long as us.  It is heartbreaking and makes me angry, discouraged, and a little bit afraid.  If it can happen to them, can it happen to us?

The answer to that is yes.  It will always be yes.  Only three things stand between you and me and the devastating untangling of lives that we have witnessed; you, me and God.  Luckily one of those things will never fail.  I have a love song on repeat in my head.  It's one of our favorite singer/songwriters.  You know the one I mean.  He sang at our wedding before he hit it big and we have danced barefoot in the living room to his love songs.  The line from the song is "Love will be enough." and I am struck by how much that is not true.  I wish it were true.

Love is not enough to hold us together.

Kind of a crappy sentiment for this anniversary, but just wait a minute.  It's not the end of the story.  For the last 40 days I have been doing the "Love Dare", secretly, with women from our church.  Yes, it's cheesy and the movie I found out about it from, staring Kirk Cameron, is even cheesier.  But every day I was "dared" to love you better and given a task to practice unconditional love. You may have noticed a difference, but you may have not.  I'll admit, I failed left and right at loving you well.  But as the days went on, I saw again and again that love, the kind that makes us work, is not something that happens between us.  It's something I choose to do myself, again and again, even when I don't want to.  Even when I have to go hide in the bathroom and scream into a towel to keep from saying every nasty thing that comes into my head, while we are in the middle of an argument. 

I wish I could say that our relationship was somehow profoundly different as a result of this dare.  It isn't.  We are pretty much still us.  Hot tempered, Spirited, Passionate people, surrounded on all sides by kids who seem intent on never giving us another private moment together.  Sometimes, like a few weeks ago during that stomach bug, the only thing "hot and heavy" around here is the washing machine setting.  But I learned something.  A hard lesson.  The love I give you isn't about the love you give me.  It's a choice.  One that I have to make daily when I am tired, or about to go nuts because I gave up sugar for Lent and that has been my drug of choice for...oh...forever.

So I am just gonna shoot straight and say what I know you already know, I suck at it.  I really do.  But I am never going to stop trying.  Never going to stop laying down my pride and my right to be right, no matter how many times I may pick it up in some effort to feel in control of this marriage.  Never going to stop reaching to put my arm around you in the dark, even when of of the kids has snuck into our bed and is asleep between us.  Never going to stop fighting for us.  Never going to stop asking God it root out the character flaws in me that threaten to destroy us.

I love you.  Not with the kind from love songs that says when the "fire" burns out, it's time to move on.  The kind that requires me to become less of me, (not in that unhealthy way that requires therapy) and to love you in a way that will never be easy, but will always be good.

Happy Anniversary, honey.  Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Love,
Me

The Kindness of Strangers (and friends)

Have you ever seen the show 'Hoarders' on A&E?  I sometimes have nightmares that that is what my house looks like and have seriously examined myself to see if I am headed there.  In some ways, I am.  I have the natural tendency to hoard.  (Although filth gets me moving and cleaning)  On my to-do list before this baby was born was to de-clutter and get rid of stuff.  I had started several 'to donate' bags and as they filled up, I tossed them in the storage room since I was too pregnant to haul them to my favorite charity myself.  Well, then they got mixed up with the bags of baby clothes that people have been giving me and all the other stuff and I was back to square one with a room full of junk.  I can seriously see why some cultures don't bother to clothe their children until age 2.  It's a lot of crap to keep around when they grow so fast!

So there I was, just weeks before my due date with nothing done.  The guest room was full of semi-sorted baby clothes, Cora's room was full of semi-sorted clothes that she had grown out of, but hadn't found a 'pass it on' recipient and lets not even discuss my room and the piles of dirty clothes, clean clothes, my normal clothes that don't fit right now, gifts for the baby, Christmas stuff etc, etc, etc!!  I was feeling a bit frazzled, knowing I couldn't do it all and I couldn't add one more thing to the Geek's 'Honey Do' list when he is working tons of extra hours per week in order to earn enough time off for when the baby is born!

And then in walked 5 women.  I didn't ask them, they just decided that on such and such day at this time, we are coming over.  And I should be prepared!  They cleaned, they aired out, they sorted, they threw away, they vacuumed, they organized, they sneezed from all of the dust, and totally blitzed my upstairs into beautiful.  In 2 hours.  I was amazed and overwhelmed and grateful and so at peace with the state of things.  I was totally ready for the baby to come, should he decide to. 

Well, he didn't decide to, in spite of some signs to the contrary so those women came back.  Not the same exact 5, but with a few of the same ladies, they did the same thing to my downstairs.  All of the horrible hidden rooms (laundry room) that I keep the door closed on because I can't stand to even think about it and its cluttered shelves and piles of whatnot.  Matt kept Cora entertained and out from underfoot while a gaggle of women asked him where things went and in general did what he has been too stressed and tired to help me do when he finally gets to come home in the dark, cold evenings.  I directed traffic and made executive decisions about what to toss and where things went. They cleaned, they organized, they vacuumed, they were charmed by my little 2 year old chatterbox, they helped me part with things, they swept and sorted, and blitzed my DOWNSTAIRS into loveliness.  In 2 hours. I am, again, grateful, amazed, overwhelmed and at peace with my home.  There are things that just can't get better right now for lack of appropriate storage tools (like a craft cabinet), but for the most part, my house is done.  I'm ready for this baby.  It is a huge weight off of me!

Now I could go into my crazy space and wonder what these women thought of me and my borderline hoarding nonsense, but instead, today I can just be grateful for the gift of starting this round of motherhood fresh with things straight and organized and for the sweet kindness of close friends and not so close friends that were just willing to come help us.

One of the women mentioned that we should do this for each other monthly and how little work it really takes if all of us get together and help.  I agree and as soon as I'm recovered enough, I can't wait to do my share!

I heart cheap books!

My mama, amazing lady that she is, directed me to a website which is quickly becoming a favorite for a bibliophile like me. I really want Cora to have lots of great books, but lets face it, digging through bins at garage sales does nothing for me and I usually end up with nothing good. I'm hard pressed to find one memorable children's books for our collection in English and certainly nothing in any other language!

Enter half.com. Music, textbooks, kids books, novels oooooh my (I'm pretending like the video game section doesn't exist). I could spend a lot of allowance there! Most of the books that I have on my wish list over at amazon are there for half or more off of the original price. Granted, they are used, but I dig through piles of other peoples used stuff on Saturdays! I'm OK with used, obviously. I mean, I'm a huge fan of our local library, but some books,

like the one I checked out today, you just have to own.

PS. Don't forget next Saturday (the 26th!) is Free Museum Day (sponsored by Smithsonian magazine). Head on over to their website to print your free pass (admits 2) and to find participating museums near you! If you live locally, you can visit the Frist Center for the Visual Arts, Historic Mansker's Station, or The Hermitage, Home of President Andrew Jackson, for free! {thanks for the correction Stephie! I'd hate to be the one to proliferate misinformation!}

Thanks Uncle Sam!

Did I mention that the Geek got a job? I think I twittered it, but didn't write about it. So, yeah. He got a job and so far, it's awesome. I'm talking Wii in the conference room, allowed to go barefoot and wear shorts, nerf guns on the wall kind of awesome. Yeah. That kind of awesome! It was a long wait, but it was worth it for him to find this kind of work environment.

During the Geek's unemployed months, we went to the government for assistance. And as we wait for his first paycheck to arrive so we can begin to climb out from under the pile of late fees that have accumulated, I have been using up our food stamps. I wrote out a list of all our staples and just bought the heck out of it. I mean, we FILLED the cart to the top! And we only managed to spend half of what they'd given us. I used to think that to live on food stamps, you had to be REALLY frugal and only eat, well, food that wasn't very good for you. I was wrong! I just got back from a trip to the local grocery store and without coupons, I bought enough food to last us about 6 months. Not including perishables like milk, cheese, eggs, fresh veg and fruit etc. Seriously! And this was half of what they'd given us to live on.

So I have to ask myself this question...WHAT HAVE I BEEN SPENDING OUR GROCERY MONEY ON??????

OK, besides the obvious things that end up costing us a pretty penny (pet food, formula, toilet paper and other misc toiletries) We can really live on very little if I shop right, and plan. Planning is, of course, where I fall down since I get very overwhelmed when I think about going to the store. I can't just make a quick run! When I go for a few things I remember what we still need and end up making impulse purchases as well. So in light of how well we did when we had to use Uncle Sam's dough, I'll be sitting down to do some planning before the next trip and perhaps sending the Geek to the store for milk. It's not as if I'll need to go in the next few weeks for anything else anyway!!!

The point of this was to give thanks for the provision we have seen over the last 6 months, so to all who helped, prayed, bought me glasses, sent us money (even strangers did this!) and so much more, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Care

Caring is the thread that binds us, one to another. We have been so cared for, so blessed, so provided for, I can't help but to turn around and give that away again. It's being God's hands, feet, arms, and chef. (If God had a chef :) )

That being said, I found a great way to coordinate caring for others. CareCalendar.org is about filling the needs of others. Created to help coordinate care for their own large family it is now a wonderful (and FREE!) tool for others to turn and do the same. I signed up a fellow Mama from my MOMS club and church and am helping coordinate her meals when her new baby arrives.

It has great features, not just meals! A calendar that those with a code can log into to sign up for caring for the one in need, email reminders, the ability to update those who are caring with news, photos, etc. It's a fabulous tool! I can't wait to use it to care. Pass it on to your church, your MOPs group, your friends, your 12 step group, whatever! Just thought I'd share. 'Cause caring is sharing. :)

For Mandy

This post is for all you mamas out there who wonder why everyone else has a shinier, cleaner, happier, more productive life than you, and how in the world they do it all. Here's why (and how): IT'S NOT TRUE and WE DON'T! (I've asked this question too) So I'm coming clean (or rather dirty) about the current state of my house. Here's the mess.

The dishes - So many I had to use the kitchen floor for pots and pans. We've been ignoring these dishes for some time now. (Note the overflowing recycling bins behind them)

The laundry - clean (to be folded and covering my dining room table) and dirty (taking up space in the kitchen floor aka the laundry room atrium)
The groceries - which never got fully put away before something (or some little one) needed my attention more. (Plus, why put these away when they amuse the cat for HOURS?) :)


Here's the one chore I got done: (and this isn't all of them! I had to do it in 2 shifts.)

Why yes, yes I do like to precariously perch my pots and pans so they pivot between peril and perfection while I pontificate on and on about my penchant for perniciously thwarting penury. I also like alliteration. Can you tell? Hee hee!

On the other hand, last week I focused on relationships and went on a picnic, attended 'Happy Our' at my sweet friend's house, had a date with hubby, played with my baby a TON and let the house go. Alice told me this poem when the baby bear was first born and I keep it in mind when I look around and see my disaster of a house.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow

For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep

I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"

~ Anonymous

and I'll add to that - neither do friendships! I love you friend!!

Neighborly love!

My neighbors came over and helped me do stuff last night! They moved brush to the curb and get this...washed my dog! That is far over and above the call of duty. Heck, even I hate it! I think she properly hair-ified their house. They replaced light bulbs, took out the recycling, put away dishes and laundry and all the little piddly things I keep meaning to get to. It was awesome! Thanks neighbors! I am so grateful!

As for me, I seriously have to crack the code of what is contributing to my physical pain. It's not just carpal tunnel any more. It feels more like arthritis with my knuckles swelling whenever I sleep. My knee gave out today while coming down the stairs and if the Geek hadn't been there I would have fallen. My feet have also joined in the fray with nerves going crazy for no reason and pain being a regular thing now. I actually dreamed last night that my mind was telling my body to surrender to the pain so I could get some rest. You know it's serious when my body parts start talking to each other! (I think it worked too. I stayed asleep for 4 hours which is the longest stretch I've managed for months) I think the homemade pizza with turkey pepperoni last night was a big factor. Too much sodium! I'm like a swollen toad today. Misery does not become me.

Happy birthday Mama!

Mama at my brother's wedding, 2006

See this gorgeous gal? It's my mama, Woodie. AND, today is her birthday. This woman is amazing and I'm only beginning to realize just how amazing she is. Here are some small highlights of her life:

• Graduated high school at 16, 'cause she was SO smart
• Got kicked out of college for participating in Civil Rights marches (how fricking cool is that!)
  
• Birthed (without drugs, except for the last one who was 11 lbs and breach) 7 children
• Has stayed married, no matter what life brought for nearly 37 years now!
• Lived in foreign countries for 8 years (and made 4 babies there) sharing her faith with others
• Put up with the insanity of a house full of kids and loved us well
• Decided in her 50's to finish her college degree and get her Masters
• Fabulous Mother and Friend to me (and I'm sure many others...although maybe not the mother part)
• Is turning 61 today.
  

I wish I had more photos of her when she was young, but alas, they were all destroyed when she was out of the country. But her legacy lives inside her, not in the photos I have. She is one helluva woman and I love her.

Mama, Papa and my oldest sister 1974 (weren't they groovy?)

Happy Birthday Mama!

Good-bye little FX

You've were a good car, for 5 long years. When Scott and Annmarie gave you to me, I was grateful. They couldn't take two cars to NYC and they gave you to me, my little FX, for nothing. I put you with a friend while I went to Peru and she lost the key! Oh well. A locksmith later and you were mine, all mine. My very own roller skate!

I ran you all over the place!! Several trips to TX, lots of kids packed in the back in car seats when I was a Nanny, and, to be honest, not that many repairs. Once you even held a washing machine in your hatch! It was like you were magic, little on the outside, huge inside! You even graced the cover of my last album: Scenes from a moving car. Who would have known you'd be sidelined by a bad transmission, stuck in my driveway for 18 months while I moved on, replacing you with a shiny new (to me) super beetle (which in retrospect was not a great plan, considering how many repairs Naartjie has had in the last year-sigh). If you are anything like Herby (and I think you may have been), your fenders drooped when I drove that shiny orange car into the drive. The Geek and I met and got married during the time I drove you, little thing. Thanks to you, we never made out in the back seat! (There was no room. My own personal vehicular chastity belt...lol) Then, when his car broke down, you became our only ride. Faithful, hard working, tiny. That was my FX. I can't watch them haul you away just now, on the back of a flat bed trailer. They said you'd be melted down to make more cars. Good luck little FX. I hope you end up as a Ferrari!

I was collecting all the leftover bits and bobs from inside the car this morning in preparation for my her to hauled away, junked, and I am all sad now. She was such a good car, and with a new tranny and a battery, would be good as used! It seems such a waste. I love my bug, but he's a temperamental thing that will leave me stranded as soon as look at me! Jamie is having to fix the electrical system that shorted out last night and left me and the Geek parked in the Sheet Metal Workers Union parking lot, stranded, unable to attend birthing class, begging a neighbor to come pick us up! Here's a link to a set of photos of her when I tried to sell her to someone else who could love her, my little FX.

Rick (not rolled) - a tribute to my youth

I'm very behind the times, but I today discovered the practice of Rickrolling someone (on youTube) but the ironic thing is, I used to LOVE Rick Astley, so when it came on, it was a lovely surprise! I just thought he was the dreamiest thing and had a great voice. I wore my cassette player out listening to him!!! Mock me if you will, but I always was a sucker for those baritone boys. Tenors are all showy and flashy, but give me a baritone any day! I did a little googleing and found out he's still around, singing, and making music but not like in the old days. He's 'thickened up' a bit since the days when he was this skinny red haired nerd, but still it's him. I listened to an audio clip of him being interviewed and was surprised to her him say that 1. He was 42 years old (EEEK! That makes me so very old!!) and 2. He had the thickest accent that sounded to me like a Liverpudlian. I never guessed that. After some more digging, I found I was right (actually a small town outside of it called Newton -Le-Willows.) That makes another favorite musician from that area of England. (I'm such a nerd and sucker for the Beatles)

OK, so this is just a little glimpse of how big a geek I was and I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out that red hair, crooked teeth and sweaty pompadore! Man he could sing! OK. I'm done. Cue the laughter. :) PS, gotta run. The bean just KICKED my bladder!! She'd better cut that out.

Leigh and Matt - Making sweet music again!

This may be old news to everyone else, but WOW! Leigh Nash announced it on her Myspace blog and the world quietly turned on it's ear. I didn't know how much this space was lacking in my musical heart. I've missed the bold words, the stunning melodies, clear voice, and inspiring guitar riffs that make up this incredible band up. If you don't know Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum, maybe you'll recognize the name of their old band, now back together. Six Pence Non the Richer. (their site is slightly out of date, so check out other sources) They did a rockin' show this last Sunday @ 3rd and Lindsley with other Nashville wave maker - Trent Dabbs.

Some days there is just too much great music bustling around in my head and in the world around me. I feel like I need to expand to take it all in and let it all go.

The Heartache Tycoon

I'm not the only rock star in my family.
My little brother actually lives up to that title lately. He's rocking my face off lately with his Americana Country as he seems to be really finding his groove. His newest song "Heartache Tycoon" is dripping with irony, his quirky sense of timing and humor as well as the back way he catches you with a killer lyric. It's not recorded yet, but it's gonna be great. He told me this song's been raising the roof at the local joints in Austin he plays regularly. I can believe it.

As for his style, he's more and more like a male Lucinda Williams lately but sometimes I think it's Ryan Adams and I listen harder and hear my brother's words! It's so very cool.

The reason for blogging about him is this: he called to tell me he was auditioning for Nashville Star! And he's just doing it for laughs. He has a whole fake act and costume and everything! We laughed last night that there's gonna be so much ham, people are gonna think it's Easter Sunday dinner! So if you see this tall, skinny, red-headed guy all in black with huge sunglasses, that's my brother! I gotta see when Nashville star comes on and if I can get it on the internet, since we don't have channels. In the mean time, check him out on myspace. He ROCKS! And yes, before you leave comments to this effect, I know we look A LOT alike.

Ooo! Ooo! Pick me!! I know the way!

I don't know the way, but I had something fun happen the other night. My neighbor and I were at our neighborhood association meeting and there was a new couple and I kept looking at the guy without trying to stare, because I could have sworn I'd met him somewhere. (awkward! He was there with his fiance'. Didn't want to look like a stalker type or like I was "checking him out"). This happens to me often, not the stalker aside, but the thinking I know someone part, and if you read my "about me" section and take a look at the people we "drag into the fray" you'll know why.

After we met our new neighbors and the guy said his name was Jett. Not from the blog "Letter to America"?! Yup. From that blog. Small world, no? I'd just been listening to his podcast a few days before about one of my favorite local eating spots "I Dream of Weenie,"and I happened upon his blog because I was looking for pictures of East Nashville covered in snow. I found his flickr photos and then eventually, his blog. Interesting take on things. He and his fiance' seem very nice and it's always good to have people who care about the hood.

As for the title, I was thinking...what a small world that I'd meet this person in real life, then I thought of the song "It's a small world after all," then that reminded me of "Welcome to Dulac" from Shrek and of course the scene where Donkey is jumping up saying...well, you know. My post title. I really AM a linear thinker, just not on the line YOU were thinking of. It's what makes me "the musician" rather than "the geek."

I wanna jam.

Anybody up for getting together and playing instruments for fun? Perhaps this week some time?

Landlording proves harder than falling off log - film at 11

Random thoughts of the day:

- If this apartment were in New York, people would eat their own soul to live in 600 glorious square feet of lovely (with a bathroom!) for $500/month. Alas...this is Nashvegas.

-I think I should spend more time in the bathroom. It is the only room that is really heated. (no vents = had to buy space heater = hot bathroom = camping on the bathroom rug with a book)

-When the dog poop in a field alludes me, it's time to continue on my walk. (can't find it, didn't see it happen, can't pick it up!)

-Wool socks are my secret boyfriend. (I hope the geek will understand)

-I've heard of "in like a lion", but this is just downright silly! 4 inches of snow on March 8th??!!

-My brother is now officially a Marine. I wish I could have been there.

-My geek sure is cute. I've seen some un-cute geeks in my day. I got the best looking one yet!

-I wonder if my big brother is finished being mad at me yet.

-It's nice to have friends who ask the hard questions. It means they really care about me. Yay!

-If I de-clutter my house, can I keep my yarn stash?

Cookie NOW!!

My many years as a nanny for a day-gig give me the intense appreciation for parenting done well. I thought this little bit of fun was great to read and would have been a great bit of info in the pseudo-parenting I did over the last few years.

In honor of my birthday boy

In case you didn't know, today is the greatest day evar. Thirty-three years ago, in a little town in New York State, a little boy came into the world. I imagine on that day he looked like a boiled turnip, but he outgrew that and now is pretty cute. I call him "Honey", but you know him as "the geek." I am so glad that your parents decided they needed another little boy around. Without you I'd never have grown up, or known what it is to truly love, or be loved. I am so glad you are on this planet with me. Happy Birthday sweet husband!!!

PS. This is actually the geek's 30th birthday picture, photoshopped to make it look like he's 33. In the background on the screen, you can see him turning 4 or 5. Still as cute as ever!!

Monk!

Meet Monk! He has got to be, by far, the cutest and sweetest pup I have ever met (ranks right up there with Freckles!) We met him at the dog park last week, with his seeing eye person J-. Yes. He has a seeing eye person, because he is blind. J- is fostering this cute bundle until a permanent seeing eye person can be found. J- found Monk in the middle of Shelby Ave. lost and unable to find his way out of the road. When he called the dog, he realized that he was blind! See the cute little way he squints his eyes shut and yes, he is smiling at you! After hunting for and finding his real family, the real owners said that they could not give him the attention he needs and left him with J-. (I don't understand this by the way! I could never get rid of Freckles!!)

This is what J- has to say about him:
"Monk is blind, probably born this way, but I believe he can see shadows or make out items that move. He is very sweet, trusting and friendly and loves to attention and to have his belly rubbed. Who wouldn't!

He's great with other dogs too. I have a 1 year old dog myself and they just love to play together.

I've had him in the house for just over 3 days now (this was a few weeks ago) and he has acclimated pretty well. He is very smart and a quick learner. He navigates the house without bumping into things any longer. Once he gets use to an environment he would have no problem navigating a yard or home.
Also, he's learned how to use the doggie door to let himself in and out of the house. He doesn't seem to have any dislikes except loud noises can startle him but other than that he is a very calm little man.

He is housebroken and would make a great pet for someone who doesn't think of his blindness as a disability that will prevent him from having a full life or bringing love to someone's life.

I've taken him to the vet to get all of his shots, etc. He is in good health. Below are his vitals. Please contact me if you know of anyone that would love a great dog.
1 Yr Old
Chow/Lab/Golden Mix
50lbs
Neutered
Up to date on all shots"

My personal experience with this pup proved what J- had to say. He IS a great dog. The geek, as we discussed Monk, mentioned that to a dog, losing your sense of sight would be like us losing our sense of smell (we'd miss it, but it's not vital to life). Since a dog's nose is so highly developed, he can get along fine in a good home, without being able to see (unless, of course, he gets loose in the road!) If you'd like to help him have a fabulous life with people who love him, please get in touch with me ASAP here! (don't worry, I'm safe from the spam bots) Contact Me!

I need cool gum

I'm sure this is SOOO old news, but I ran across this web page today. Stride Gum send this guy all over the world to dance in a video, poorly I might add. And not a fancy video, one shot with his digital camera. Man! Wouldn't this be the BEST gig EVAAAR!!??! I so need a cool gum to sponsor me to do something fun.

Speaking of sponsor...coming soon. A way to 'Save the Music' on a more personal level. Are you excited? I am!

World Wide Fabulous!!

In recent weeks I've gotten hits from South Africa, the Russian Federation, and Canada. The South Africa hit I know about, but the rest of you, Shout out where you are from if you read!! I have been US bound for TOO long and if I can't be outside the borders, I can (for a moment) live vicariously through you. Is it Steph in Russia? Where are you dear?