Quiet

Our family has been resting and recuperating from various illnesses, and for the papa, surgery.  I managed to avoid all of it until the very end when everyone else was finally on the mend.  I guess all that extra caring for babies and hubbies can wear a gal out.  Thankfully, my children love to quietly entertain themselves occasionally and give mama a break.  I love how much these two are book readers.  If I can't find them and begin to wonder at a patch of silence, this is often what I find them doing.  I love it.  Not that they don't get up to their share of mischief!  But here is a quiet moment from us, to you.  I'll be back tomorrow with pictures of the cutest pirate and princess ever. 

Goodbye to babyhood

Well, it's really, really official now.  Cora turned 1 in October, but in my head, I said 'She was early, so she won't REALLY be one until December'.  And now it is December.  Her actual due date was 4 days ago and I am having trouble wrapping my head around my girl as a big girl, not a baby.  Yesterday, she figured out how to feed herself with a spoon! 

And yet, I give her a bottle in the morning and we snuggle in the squooshy chair and look at all the twinkly lights on the tree.  I can always think of a reason to keep up this habit! "Well, if she was nursing, we'd still be doing this." (We aren't).  I just love the snuggly time.  I know it can happen with a sippy cup too, but she won't use one, just straw cups and they aren't really conducive to snuggling because, well, you have to sit up!  So I'm clinging to the last of babyhood.  Maybe I'll be ready when she starts to walk...

Sick, sick, sick

Mama sick.
Baby sick.
Taking a break from blogging.
Have a great weekend. See you Monday!

Here's some sweetness to tide you over.

P.S.  Email me if you'd like to get 30% off this weekend at Old Navy, Gap etc.  5% goes to your charity of choice!  The first 25 get the invite. 

Pushing it

If you happened to see me in person yesterday (Alice!), thanks for not stating the obvious. I looked like hell!! I mean, I was clean and dressed in clothes not covered in puke (for awhile anyway), but as I was giving Cora her bath for the night, (which should, in my opinion, be an Olympic sport with points for wrestling a wet baby out of the tub and into a towel, points for number of arm grasps to see if she is OK, when SOMEONE decides to lick the bottom of the tub and comes up sputtering, etc.) and I happened to look in the mirror. And there, hiding behind my, oh so hip (thanks Mom!) glasses were huge. dark. circles.

Now I did the longest, on purpose, walk of my life (sad, I know) on Sunday and felt tired still but not too bad. Apparently I am pushing my body to new heights of tired. So, I hit the hay with Cora last night, thinking...I'll get some extra sleep tonight! Woo hoo! But, 3am hit and this rebellious bod of mine popped up out of the bed, having had a brisk 8 hrs and now it is 4 am, there's a load of wash in and I'm having shredded wheat and banana for "breakfast" while blogging. I'm gonna feel this about 1pm.

On a high note, I spent a fabulous lunch with the cutest guy. Don't worry honey, he's only 2! (or is he 3 now?). Cora and I had a picnic lunch with Evan, while his Mama got a little extra work done. Gorgeous day yesterday, wasn't it? I forgot my camera while at the park, so you get a "Polaroidized" photo or two made with my new favorite little program, "Poladroid". Enjoy this gorgeously cool summer weather and wish me Godspeed as I do a shorter walk today.

Grieving for nursing

After nearly 6 weeks, I am approaching the time when I will have to give up attempting to nurse my baby girl. My body is not on board with this project and I just cannot make milk. I've tried every method, every doctor and lactation nurse's advice, every medicine, every herb, every machine (pumps) there is and nothing worked, or if it worked, it brought disastrous other results that made me have to abandon that course of action (Reglan - severe depression, or Mother's Milk Tea - caused my blood pressure medicine to not work).

As much as I have hated breastfeeding at times, like when I was so tired from trying to heal from surgery and wanted to give up, it breaks my heart to actually have to give it up. Until now there was always one other option to try, one more drug, one more method. Now there is nothing. I am using a supplemental system to 'nurse' her, but really she's mostly living on formula. Soon she will outgrow the bottles that fit onto the system and I'll have to give her bigger bottles, but not ones that are attached to me. We can pretend for awhile longer and have sweet bonding times at all hours of the night and day, but soon, too soon, I'll have to surrender this too. I still have some grief over missing so much of her first hours, not actually getting to 'birth' her, just basically have her removed from my body and a few other things. I never thought that this would be something that would never happen. I come from a family of champion nursers!

As long as I am on my blood pressure medicine, the dopamine and prolactin (milk making hormone) will continue to compete and the medicine that raises my dopamine level to control my blood pressure will always win out over the prolactin. I have beat myself up for this since I'm pretty sure my hypertension is weight related and I have yet to make choices to fix that. It could be just how my body is, but it could be just one more consequence of my lifestyle. I'm not in shame about that, but still there is sadness there.

There is no more to say. No magic pill that will fix it. I have cried over it, asked for healing, asked for grace for this one thing, but the answer and the blessing I get is having her. Alive and in my arms. Not just as I would want it, but still here. So I grieve for the things that will never happen and I enjoy the last sweet times with my daughter in my arms like this.

This is not a video of me nursing, just a little clip of Cora, awake and alert just after we finish nursing. (AT 12:45 am!)

Can't...seem...to leave...recliner

I am so unmotivated this morning. Everything I'd like to do requires my hands and when touching something as soft as my Gizmo cat hurts, you know dishes or laundry fall further down the scale of 'actually doing this'. So I've been lumping around, sitting in the recliner and watching movies on Hulu and netflix. I think my brains have leaked out through my ears. That weird neurologist I saw when all this began (who's diagnosis was...you are pregnant! Shocker) wasn't kidding around when he waggled his index and middle fingers and thumbs at me proclaiming, 'I like to call these the fingers of Civilization!' I understand him now. I am totally uncivilized. Just a few more weeks. I can make it...I hope.

Third trimester sleep - much like chutes and ladders

Image from here

Remember that game from when we were kids called Chutes and Ladders? The object was to get from 1 to 100, but if you landed on a ladder,you could skip some squares...a chute? All the way back down. Sometimes to nearly the beginning! There was no rhyme or reason beyond the luck of the roll, except if you looked closely at the pictures. At the top of the chute was always a careless behavior, while at the bottom of the ladder was something more 'responsible.' Now imagine if you will, those chutes and ladders are on a grid with hours of the night on it. I was making one in photoshop, but got tired.

This all came to me about 3 am, when I got up for my first trip to the potty and I realized, I spend my night hours trying to beat the clock for sleep. If my first trip to the potty is before 2 am...look out. I've done something that day that will make it very hard to sleep. (Unfortunately there are no helpful pictures to show me what behaviors to avoid!) Here's how the night could go... ('sleep' is ladder, 'wide awake' is chute)

Start
Drank lots of water today! Sleep 2 hours
Ooops. Drank a little too much. Wake up after an hour to have to pee - Wide awake one half hour
Exercised today! Sleep 3 hours
Over did it. Sore muscles make body uncomfortable - Wide awake an hour
Late night cravings – If chocolate Wide Awake 4 hours
Late night cravings - if protein AND if I can find it in the dark - sleep one hour
Husband snoring – Wide awake 1 hour - will probably have to pee again.
Ate healthy meals all day, not too much carbs or sugar – Sleep 3 hours
Body randomly rejects food – Wide awake 1/2 hour in bathroom.
Worry about the nursery – Wide awake 1 hour
Baby decides to have a dance party in your uterus – Wide awake ½ hour
Swelling causes loss of sensation and sharp pain in hands – Wide awake 2 hours (if can find tylenol in the dark)
Warm bath – Sleep 3 hours
Husband steals body pillow in the night - Wide awake 1/2 hour with sore tummy from no support. (steal it back!)
Yoga poses did great things for muscles - sleep 2 hours
Yoga helps digestion system speed up - Wide awake in bathroom 1/4 hour (with lights out) 1/2 (with lights on) - am very skilled at pottying in the dark at this point.
Forgot to take dog out for one last potty before bed - dog licks hand at 6 am - Wide awake from then on.
Took dog potty last night and all the stars align - Sleep till 8am. Inexplicably still tired and sore. Do morning yoga to recover from sleeping.
Finish

I wish I could make a clever board game for this! Wouldn't it be a fun game to play at baby showers? Hmmm. On second thought it might be too close to reality to be fun.

Good-bye little FX

You've were a good car, for 5 long years. When Scott and Annmarie gave you to me, I was grateful. They couldn't take two cars to NYC and they gave you to me, my little FX, for nothing. I put you with a friend while I went to Peru and she lost the key! Oh well. A locksmith later and you were mine, all mine. My very own roller skate!

I ran you all over the place!! Several trips to TX, lots of kids packed in the back in car seats when I was a Nanny, and, to be honest, not that many repairs. Once you even held a washing machine in your hatch! It was like you were magic, little on the outside, huge inside! You even graced the cover of my last album: Scenes from a moving car. Who would have known you'd be sidelined by a bad transmission, stuck in my driveway for 18 months while I moved on, replacing you with a shiny new (to me) super beetle (which in retrospect was not a great plan, considering how many repairs Naartjie has had in the last year-sigh). If you are anything like Herby (and I think you may have been), your fenders drooped when I drove that shiny orange car into the drive. The Geek and I met and got married during the time I drove you, little thing. Thanks to you, we never made out in the back seat! (There was no room. My own personal vehicular chastity belt...lol) Then, when his car broke down, you became our only ride. Faithful, hard working, tiny. That was my FX. I can't watch them haul you away just now, on the back of a flat bed trailer. They said you'd be melted down to make more cars. Good luck little FX. I hope you end up as a Ferrari!

I was collecting all the leftover bits and bobs from inside the car this morning in preparation for my her to hauled away, junked, and I am all sad now. She was such a good car, and with a new tranny and a battery, would be good as used! It seems such a waste. I love my bug, but he's a temperamental thing that will leave me stranded as soon as look at me! Jamie is having to fix the electrical system that shorted out last night and left me and the Geek parked in the Sheet Metal Workers Union parking lot, stranded, unable to attend birthing class, begging a neighbor to come pick us up! Here's a link to a set of photos of her when I tried to sell her to someone else who could love her, my little FX.

Oh...that's not right...

Yes, I'm escaping. Don't judge me!

Since this blog is about the Musician (me) and the Geek (my hubs) and the analogy of our married life given is the Mac vs. PC commercials...how we are so opposite, I found it very funny that there are PC vs. Mac commercials. All of them can be found here. I'll add one here, just for a taste. It's a little too close to home with my Geek out earning me on a scale of...oh...let's not talk about it, shall we? It's too depressing. But damn it! I'm artsy!

Sigh

more animals

It's one of those days. Even pirates can't cheer me up. Everything seems big and ominous and my cup, which is usually at LEAST half full seems to be missing entirely. Things, on the outside, don't seem that bad, I'm healthy, fed, clothed, housed, and there's money in the bank, but I sometimes rely on my relationships with others too much to fill me up, which is an nice way of saying I can be a bit of an emotional tick.

TLC twittered me this this morning: God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26 Sometimes I forget who goes in the place of the noun in that sentence and I start substituting words like The Geek, A paycheck, My girlfriends, Being free from debt, etc. I know in my head who needs to say in that place, but my heart is desperate and wild and runs far from true safety. I guess I need to spend some time reminding myself today of who is truly the strength of my heart.

Briskly into denial

With the morning temp at a lovely 59 degrees F, it feels as though we've made the turn into an early fall, which is nice. The weather report shows a whopping 83 for a high this week so there is continued hope. The weather change always takes me by surprise, as if it's always supposed to be hot. I know why it changes but it always seems a mystery to me.

I have to say I am in denial about something. My brother leaves for Iraq in less than 4 days, but I haven't called him to talk to him. There is a slim chance it could be the last time I talk to him, but somewhere in my child-like thinking, I suppose that if I shut my ears and eyes up tight then whatever scares me will go away. In this case, my brother putting his life on the line for a country that frankly doesn't care whether he goes or not and sees the whole thing as a political bungle, and entering into a country where the people both want his presence (from what I've heard) and resent him being there. Now, he's a tough kid. He has to be to be a Marine, but he's still my baby brother. He was 10 when I left for college and grew up without me there. I have a different relationship with him than I do with the siblings closer to my age. It's not that rivalry that existed between me and them, it's a more protective feeling. I held him when he was a baby!

He still has an innocence about him. He's not up on all the technology, but spent his high school weekends hunting raccoons with his favorite hound in the woods rather than at parties (not that he didn't do his share of stupid stuff...We all do). He's a quiet thinker. He laughs and has fun, but keeps a lot of things to himself. He's a crack shot with a rifle and the Marines thought so too. They were training him to be a sniper hunter (better than the snipers), but the mission shifted and his assignment changed from Afghanistan hunting snipers to Iraq in a Bradley (which is a far sight better than a hummer - read DEATH TRAP). He's my brother so you know he's stubborn (that runs in the family) but he's kind too. I am afraid for him, but at the same time, know that finally found a place in the world where he can succeed.

But this phone call...I somehow feel it should be important, that I should say what I need to say in case I never get to say it again. But my brother (who is a bit of a good ol boy) will probably greet me with a 'Hey Nana (my childhood nickname)' and we'll talk about nothing in particular for a few minutes. I'll tell him I love him, he'll say he loves me too and that will be that. I know in my head that it doesn't have to be more than that, that he knows how much I love him, but it feels too casual. I can't go to CA and hug his neck goodbye. I wasn't able to get to TX to see him when he was there a few weeks ago. It's the option I am given and I will take it, but it feels inadequate. It reminds me how little I have taken advantage of what time he did have here in the US left. I could 'should' my self to death over this one. So today it's on my calendar. I'll make the phone call and tell him I love him and 'don't die'. And I'll pray for him every day, miss him and hope he has figured out the importance of email.

POST UPDATE: My cell phone rang this morning at 9:24 am (7:24 CA time) and it was my little brother telling me when he's leaving. Sooner, rather than later. We talked for a minute and he had to go load gear. I said what I needed to say and then cried for awhile.

In utero rocking to Gabe Dixon Band

I took a good nap this afternoon and went to hear the Gabe Dixon Band as well as spend my hoarded allowance on their new CD. It rocked, of course. Baby girl loved it too. She wiggled a lot! They played at the Belcourt which is always nice since it's also a theatre and the sound is great, but not so loud I have to wear earplugs. I've posted about this band before, here, and since it wasn't that long ago, I'll spare you another fangirl rant. Suffice it say, I had great time. More in the am. Good night!

Filters

Here is my goal for the day (and yes, it's another early one thanks to snoring I can hear downstairs!). I want to listen to people and not try to interpret, not try to figure out the underlying meaning, and not try to judge their intentions. I am very tired of being misunderstood lately and since I can't change the people around me, I'll just work on myself.

I call this method of listening and interacting with people 'taking off my filters.' If I were to photograph something with a red filter or a fish eye lens it would distort the true picture, robbing it of its colors or blurring and stretching the edges. While this is fun for artsy photographing, it's not so great for relationships. For the record, I have, in the past, spent a lot of time inserting subtle meanings into my words to make someone 'get the hint' or lying (embellishing, or putting on a smile when I was upset etc.) to make myself seem different than I am inside, but that is something I try not to practice anymore.

If I say I am fine, I am (or at least know why I should be and won't be vomiting my filter induced angst on you, but will be processing it with someone who can help me see my way out of it and then I'll bring up what I need to talk about). If I say I'd just like to spend time with you, that is all I mean. I'm not trying to use you, or wheedle something out of you. I'm not trying to block you from some favorable or unfavorable activity by putting myself between you and it. If I say I like something, it's because I do. I'm not trying to appease you. So I'll take you at your word when you say things too. At least I will try.

Too much for my hands

While I think there are lots that are too big for my hands, I had not yet put housework on that list. Now I must. Just like the horrendous weedeating episode that had me laid up and struggling with a numb arm for days, apparently doing dishes and vacuuming does the same thing. So, since I can't hold a pencil to journal, I type. With the pillow under my arm and the mouse at my left hand! Sausage fingers are not a good look for me.

Stressful days = Bed Rest...or Hard Headed Woman Strikes Back!

When will I ever learn? I know all the moms out there say it's normal to have these every other week freak-outs, but they stress me and the baby out, not to mention the hubby who just sits there wide eyed while I shriek on and on about whatever I've got stuck in my craw. I'm going to have to learn to meditate or something. I am too freaking high strung right now for my own (or my baby's) good. I just don't have room in my brain or emotions to get all worked up about anything these days unless I want to spend the following day lying around, breathing through Braxton Hicks contractions and hoping everything stays put. Happy Friday to me. (sigh)

On a good note, the bug went in for a little repair yesterday (sticky throttle) and they charged us $0, since it was something that happened when the put the new engine in. $0 car repair is something I can handle!

A v. Bridget Jones day

Am having a v. Bridget Jones kind of day so though I'd blog in manner of H. Fielding's character although, granted, not as funny as am not singleton with modern plot of Jane Austen woven into personal love life. If you please, this is from book, not silly film where what's her name made me want to pull lungs out of throat she played it so Bloody awkward.

3:10 am Husband came to bed after fiddling with his computer late, but was already awake in need of second trip to toilet. Ask him to fetch me a tylenol which is perhaps the most useless pain killer ever invented and yet I cling to it like life's blood! Why must ibuprofens hurt the unborn? Why?
3:30 am Husband has finally fallen asleep after thrashing around, getting annoyed with breathing machine (C-Pap), and wrestling the covers. Am wide awake and ache in back has worsened.

3:35 am Have begun to think about baby and usually she wiggles if I'm awake in the middle of the night.

3:45 am Am obsessing about lack of movement and have decided a warm bath might make back ache go away. Don't want to bathe with lights on, as am still in denial telling myself that turning lights on will fully wake me up.

3:47 am Bathe in the semi-darkness with only light coming from neighbors bright pink security light. Back still aching.

4:05 am Am back in bed, trying to settling in to sleep. Baby begins to move and am content with 'fetal movement count.' Am now v. hungry. Try to ignore it.

4:15 am Drink water from handy (ever-present) water bottle. Makes hunger worse. Begin thinking of nice turkey sandwich....must stop thinking!! Go to sleep!

5:15 am Give up trying to sleep and don tatty man-robe to go and quest for sandwich. End up eating turkey and some cut up cantaloupe, feeling v. smug about my level of self control as I ignore the choc. chips that call me. Check emails and whine to self that of 32 blogs I follow, no-one has updated. Stupid sleeping people.

5:45 am Trundle upstairs, husband has not moved from original position and it might take an air horn to wake him. Snuggle up and try to get comfy. Can't. Can't help thinking that mask, while helping him sleep and keeping him from damaging his heart from snoring, makes him look a little like an elephant. A cute elephant with a beard. Kiss his cheek and he mouthes a reply, but don't understand as am not a v. accomplished lip reader. Am dreading the day ahead with so little sleep (only 6 hours - went to bed around 9 pm). Give up trying to sleep.

6:16 am Back downstairs. Ice back and lay on couch in weird position with knees propped on four or five pillows and miraculously, fall asleep.

7:35 am Wake up with dead right hand from dangling off of couch. Since I had a bath at 3:45 am there is no need for a morning shower so I dress for work. Back hurts worse now and hubby pleads with me to take care of myself and skive off work. Ignore him and try to bravely go on.

8:02 am Find self reclined in lay-boy chair and unable to get up. Call boss and tell her I am taking day off to rest my back. We discuss whether or not I should go ahead and give notice since body has decided to become like old car and once one part is fixed, the next part breaks. Comparing body to old Chevy does wonders for self-esteem, but can currently blame it all on baby. Am still doing good with weight, but belly gets in the way and am feeling more and more like an orange, with legs.

11:05 am Have spent morning making trips to potty, drinking water, icing back muscles, reading Bridget Jones, rolling off couch to hunt for food which so far has included:

Eggs (2) and rye toast (2)
1 Tortilla chip with a dip of queso (did not like it cold, am to lazy to heat it up)
15 Cheddar cheese Doritos (seemed like the lazy version of chips and queso)
8 chocolate chips (finally gave in to the call)
1 weight watchers popcicle (only 2 points!)
Raisins - (am pretending that these shriveled remnants of grapes are, in fact, a fruit)


Finally figured out why the cat can't stay out of the broken window that I covered with a blanket. A small black kitten has taken up lodging on our back balcony. The last kitten we adopted from the alley cost us $200+ in vet bills with ear infections, neutering, etc. Am not interested in having a new one. Still. It's little, so I set out a tiny bit of food. Can't let animules starve! Now, to distract myself from more Doritos and chocolate chips, am blogging.

Ummm...I gotta go practice.

Yuto Miyazawa - 8-Year Old Japanese Guitar Phenom! from Metal Edge TV on Vimeo.

Family, with all the fixin's

Growing up I heard about families that had lost touch with each other, that didn't talk anymore, or had huge rifts that could not be overcome and I listened in wonder and in my innocence, thought 'my family will never be like that.' Oh how I was wrong. As I get older (and I'm not so old) things just get more and more convoluted. Brothers and sisters go out into the world and depart from the vein of living they learned at the family home. Some stay on that path, but others for whatever reason, follow a different path. Yet we are all still connected by an invisible thread of blood-bond that cannot be broken and the actions of one, for the good or bad, effect the family unit. Not that we all go down with the ship if one decides to destroy himself/herself, but that tug on our hearts is there, no matter how we try to sever it.

Today I am sad about that kind of situation in my family. I have given up my old ways of trying to mend all the fences and now I strive to just let go and let someone bigger take it from my hands, but that thread tugs at my heart and it hurts, more than I want it to. It's a relief that it's not my job to make sure all the people in my family turn out safe, happy, and whole, but I can't help the sorrow I feel as I watch them go through the hard parts. It reminds me, even more, to cherish the relationships that I have, to love well, to be honest, own my part, ask for forgiveness when I am wrong, and in the end, to let go of the result.

Leigh and Matt - Making sweet music again!

This may be old news to everyone else, but WOW! Leigh Nash announced it on her Myspace blog and the world quietly turned on it's ear. I didn't know how much this space was lacking in my musical heart. I've missed the bold words, the stunning melodies, clear voice, and inspiring guitar riffs that make up this incredible band up. If you don't know Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum, maybe you'll recognize the name of their old band, now back together. Six Pence Non the Richer. (their site is slightly out of date, so check out other sources) They did a rockin' show this last Sunday @ 3rd and Lindsley with other Nashville wave maker - Trent Dabbs.

Some days there is just too much great music bustling around in my head and in the world around me. I feel like I need to expand to take it all in and let it all go.

Landlording proves harder than falling off log - film at 11

Random thoughts of the day:

- If this apartment were in New York, people would eat their own soul to live in 600 glorious square feet of lovely (with a bathroom!) for $500/month. Alas...this is Nashvegas.

-I think I should spend more time in the bathroom. It is the only room that is really heated. (no vents = had to buy space heater = hot bathroom = camping on the bathroom rug with a book)

-When the dog poop in a field alludes me, it's time to continue on my walk. (can't find it, didn't see it happen, can't pick it up!)

-Wool socks are my secret boyfriend. (I hope the geek will understand)

-I've heard of "in like a lion", but this is just downright silly! 4 inches of snow on March 8th??!!

-My brother is now officially a Marine. I wish I could have been there.

-My geek sure is cute. I've seen some un-cute geeks in my day. I got the best looking one yet!

-I wonder if my big brother is finished being mad at me yet.

-It's nice to have friends who ask the hard questions. It means they really care about me. Yay!

-If I de-clutter my house, can I keep my yarn stash?