On the cheap - handmade love

The penny pinching continues, but that doesn't mean that there aren't still things I want to do, buy etc. My neighbor is having a baby soon and I've been collecting things here and there for her shower. She requested gently used items! How great is that?! I found some sweet gently used things, but wanted to make her something special. I had a couple of ideas but settled on some soft crochet balls for the baby. I made these without anything inside, but when you make them you can add things inside, like a shaker egg, or a bell. Anything that won't come out or open up while inside. (An Easter egg with pebbles? - seal the egg shut!)



I started with this pattern from Martha Stewart online, but I'm not sure if anyone actually crocheted (is that a word?) up this pattern before they published it. It makes more like a football than a round ball. I had to do some re-writing, but it's a great place to start for the general idea. I used a worsted weight yarn (Red Heart 'soft yarn' - Cheap, washable, oh so nice!) with an F size crochet hook.

Here's my modifications to Martha's pattern: (This is for the yarn and hook size listed above)
Follow her pattern through 'Round 11'. Then...
Round 12 and 13: 1 sc in each st to end of round. Finish off.

Make 2 and stitch halves together except for one inch. Stuff the ball until it is firm - when you squish it and holds its shape.

Add something that rattles or jingles for fun! You can also use wool and felt this ball in your washing machine after you've stuffed it, using a little less stuffing, then dry on low. (Can you imagine a dryer full of these bouncing around? It makes me smile to think of it.) I got 2 of the three done and feverishly hooked and hooked trying to finish the third, but didn't. The girls at the shower thought I was crocheting a yarmulke! It does resemble one before it's stitched to its other half.

PS. Hide these from the cat!

And finally...the baby bear gives her grin of approval for these soft fun balls. Hasn't she gotten big!?

On the cheap - a return to my past

As you know, the Geek has been laid off since oooooh, December, and things are getting a LITTLE tight around here. But while I'm not going to turn this into a 'being cheap' blog ie...'the laid off geek and the starving artist', I wanted to share a coupla things we've been doing around here. Now, I grew up pretty broke. 9 people (7 kids) in a 700 square foot, three bedroom trailer, living on co-op 5 gallon buckets of peanut butter and my mama's ever imaginative ways of making 'poor as dirt' seem not so bad. In fact I didn't know we were poor until High School. Last night I made one of my mama's standby recipes which she called 'chili-mac' but is really macaroni noodles with meat sauce - no chili involved. I've never made it before, but I realized as I finished it, why she did. It makes a HECK of a lot of food! So here it is, the recipe.

1 1lb box of macaroni noodles (bought on supersale at Kroger)
1 lb ground beef
1 28 oz (giant!) can tomato sauce
Appropriate spices - basil and oregano (which Mama always grew fresh) garlic and onion (either fresh, chopped and cooked til tender or dried, which is what I happened to have on hand), salt and a little pepper

Cook noodles in a giant pot until tender. Drain and set aside.
While noodles are cooking, brown the ground beef, drain any fat off
Add tomato sauce, flavor to taste with oregano, basil, garlic, onion and salt
Bring to a rapid boil and then let simmer for 5 minutes

Pour sauce over noodles, stir and serve. Top with Parmesan if you can afford it! :) Eat leftovers for lunch for several days. (feeds 7 hungry children once or 1 hungry husband for several days) Serve with fresh veggies grown in your garden (which we don't have yet).

While ideally the Geek needs a job, we'd like to ask you to pray for God's will for us. Whatever that is. We don't presume to know what He has in store for us and our best laid plans are nothing to His.

We made the switch! A journey from paper to cloth diapers.

Since our little lovey was born (4 months ago, can you believe it?!) we've been using disposable diapers. With every giant garbage bag full I experienced more and more guilt. I mean, those diapers are going to be around for my daughter's grandbabies!! I wanted to switch to cloth, but it was very intimidating. There are zillions of diapers, covers, all-in-ones, pocket diapers, fitted diapers, prefolds, contoured diapers...the list goes on and on and on and ON! I was totally overwhelmed. So I put it out there (on our local neighborhood google group) that I wanted to get started and a total stranger mama of twins invited me to her house to see her system. She even gave me a couple of diaper covers that her children had outgrown. Then our local diaper service donated (yes, DONATED!) a bunch of diapers, covers, diaperpail, pail liner, and cloth wipes to me. Another friend gave me a bag of more stuff with pre-folds, contoured diapers and snappies, then another mama gave me her all in one diapers! I was overflowing with cloth diapers and I hadn't even begun to put them on her bum.

Now, my mama cloth diapered us, but I remember this bucket of stinky diapers and liquid, (poop soup as cloth diapering sites refer to it) and I was not looking forward to that at all! Plus, the little plastic shorts...ick. But cloth diapering has come a long way! No more poop soup! They come in all colors, shapes designs, snaps, velcro, waterproof cloth and more! It was hard to imagine, but some of the cutest things out there for babies are diapers! And they are going to get pooped on! It's a whole world of work at home mamas fueling this thing. Most of the popular brands were made by mamas. I think that is amazing!

So in light of the Geeks still unemployed situation, I decided to go ahead and move on over to cloth. I tried a couple per day to get in the hang of things and finally decieded to not buy any more sposies (disposables). It was scary! But she hasn't leaked yet and I actually really enjoy knowing I am doing a good thing for our budget, the planet, and my baby's bum!

Because she is still so small and most of the stuff we were given is for bigger babies, I did buy pre-fold diapers in infant size, plus some covers too. But since I was going to have to spent that money on diapers in the next few weeks anyway, I don't feel guilty at all. I know I won't have to spend it again!

Kind people in my neighborhood gave me a list of where to begin and I am pretty much there. Here's what they recommended:

"But here's a good start if you do laundry every other day:

• 24 prefolds (either infant size or premium size depending on the weight of your baby)
• 3-5 covers (the younger your baby the more covers you will need... the same is true if you used a snappi or not. If you use a snappi you can get by with fewer covers)
• 2 diaper pail liners (one is in the wash with the dirties while the other is in the pail collecting dirties)
• 1 pail
• 1 snappi (these come in 2 different sizes depending on the age of your baby - infant and toddler)
• 20 wipes - if you are washing prefolds you might as well wash wipes... then you don't have to buy these at the store too. ( I made my own with those tiny wash cloths that we were given TONS of, and cut up least favorite flannel receiving blankets - yes they unravel a bit, but it's for cleaning up poo! It doesn't have to be perfect)
  
• 3 doublers - for extra absorbency during night/naps (these you need if you're not changing a diaper at night) I chose 3 hemp doublers from an online diaper shop GreenMountainDiapers.com"
• I also added a 'wet bag' (a waterproof bag for used wet diapers). A mama has to get out sometimes!! I also added a little spray bottle for my diaper bag to wet my cloth wipes.
  

So with our newly prepped pre-folds and covers in hand we began our adventure. Here's our first cloth diapering. The baby bear did not approve of being put in this bulky thing, plus Mama was trying to get the hang it too! (this was before we bought smaller pre-folds.)

Giant diaper bum!
My stash of diapers - they came like this and had to be prepped (washing in hot water and then drying 3-5 times)
After prepping they looked like this (fluffy!!)
This is what we use every day or 2 - minus the larger diapers on the right and not all of the wipes.
The pretty colored covers are by Thirsties. The white one is a Bummis Super Snap.

So far, so good! I'm not overwhelmed by laundry and we are in a groove.

I don't mean to whine, but...

I received a phone call from one of our bill companies today. Apparently the Geek had forgotten to pay this one. A simple mistake and it was only 2 days late, but the caller wanted it paid then and there on the phone. I told the Geek about it and it's taken care of, but I had a little panic over the fact that this may be our future soon.

We still have a huge stack of bills from the Baby Bear's birth that keep showing up. How many people saw her at the hospital?! Was this while I was knocked out, because I don't remember all of these people seeing her? And still, no job for the Geek. You know that verse about asking for bread and getting a stone? If it looks like a stone, and feels like a stone, and tastes like a stone is there any way it could still be bread in disguise? I'm wondering this as we wait, pray, and wonder.

Can I just escape?

I'm having a hard day. I want to crawl into bed, next to my little girl and not wake up until morning. Maybe things will be different tomorrow. I am grateful that I got to spend time with other mamas today.

I don't Wanna!

I have a list of things that need to be done around here, but I don't wanna do them. I just wanna sit around and play with my baby. When she's asleep I sit around and do all the things I can't do while she's awake, but none of them are responsible things that need to be done, just the fun stuff. I miss her when she sleeps. Is that weird? Hmmm.

Still no job, but maybe an interview for the Geek next week. Still no clean dishes, but maybe tomorrow. Still no organized coupons, but at least I cut them out. Still no exercise routine, but at least I'm thinking about working out instead of making cookies (and bought more veggies to cut up for snacks today). Still no sofa fixed, but at least for that I have an excuse. The Geek has put the kibosh on all extraneous spending out until he has a job, so parts for the sofa have to wait. I guess I should have waited to dismantle the sofa, huh.

Still don't know if I'll get to go to TX. I am hoping so.

Happy Valentines Day! (Early, so I don't forget)

And here's a little Valentine Cupid to make it all that much more sweet.

Don't Panic!!

I'm really trying not to. The Geek lost his job shortly before Christmas and now the severance package is drawing to a close. We still have medial bills from the baby bear's birth (that we didn't have enough savings to cover), and I am wondering what in the WORLD we are going to do! I am desperately trying to remember that my husband is not my provider. God is. I need to remember that!! The Geek is weighed down by all of this and I can tell it's effecting him, both in heart and mind. He suggested I go stay with my parents until he finds a job, but I'm not sure that will be the best plan. I don't want to be apart.

I really struggle with this whole 'God is my provider' thing. What if God wants us to learn a hard lesson about our finances and is letting us fall on our face before he picks us up? The scripture about him 'chastening' us so we learn keeps running around in my head. I'm asking for bread and it feels like I'm getting the stone! It's hard not to get into panic and fear (my hangers-on of old) when I know that the last check is on it's way to us and after that, (although not immediately) we could lose the house and default on our bills! That's worst case scenario, I know, but I feel like it's there, like a cliff I'm being pushed toward.

I don't understand the plan, but I'm supposed to trust and do what He asks me to. So what are you asking me to do?

Just be

I have a lovely cousin who's blog is based on a quote.

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings." ~ Jane Austen

That is been my life as of late. Naptimes, mom groups, more naptimes, nursing (just for comfort), bottles, walks with mom friends, laundry that miraculously replicates before my eyes, dishes, dinner and sleeping. It goes like this every day. Day in, day out. I wake up and giggle with my girl and the rest of the day goes by in a blur. This used to bother me when she first got here. I am starting to adjust. To slow down, to let things go that don't matter and just be. It's nice.

The Baby Bear and her Aunt 'Shell'

I found this picture of my baby sister Michelle. Look how much our baby looks like her! Shocking really. We have lost most of our family pictures in an unfortunate accident so baby photos are rare and I'm still hunting for mine. But I was so surprised to see how much Cora looks like her aunt. Also in the photo is me on the left and my sister Shiloh on the right. (Michelle is the baby, of course).
and just for reference, and because I can't get enough of her...

As my friend says when she sees cuteness...'Squeee!"

I have to practically stalk this child with a camera to catch these, but I managed to, on my phone camera! I could just eat this baby with a spoon! So here they are, her first captured smiles for your cheering up and baby deliciousness.

Take action mamas!

Did you know that soon the government is going to ban the reselling of children's clothes and toys? Yeah. No craigslist, no ebay, no thrift stores unless you can prove that they've been tested for lead and pthalates.

Speak up cheap mamas! Here's a link to read more: babycheapskate

All you crafters and etsy gurus, this applies to you and your hand-mades. Congress passed this in the wake of all the lead contaminated toys from other countries, but didn't take into account how it would affect small business people. Here's a place to protest!

Read more about it here too.

Cora smiled!

I'm still trying to capture it, but I just couldn't resist telling you all!

Caffeine induced insomnia

1am
The husband snores
I can hear it through the baby monitor
It's chilly and dark down here
with the ones I love upstairs
fast asleep
But sleep is elusive
for mamas who drink
caffeine at 11 pm
The baby will be up soon
hungry
and fussy
I'll feed her
then we'll snuggle down
in our bed
and try to sleep until
dawn

Questions for the day

Why do I feel like a bad mother if I let my baby girl fuss (not cry) herself to sleep if she's not IN MY ARMS?

Why does the heater make my skin chapped?

Why did I need to sleep 15 of the last 24 hours?

Why am I so hungry if I'm not nursing?

Tell those checker blocks!

Being the clever mama that I am (wink wink), I went to Photoshop and made my own graphics for Cora to look at and taped them to her changing table. (If you want them, I'll email you the pdf files!) This is her, telling them all about it! Isn't she the best? Diaper changes are sooo fun now!

As for the tag, I once tried to talk Matt into letting me put the word "squidoo" on a Scrabble board, because it's just such a fun word that it SHOULD be real (and I suck at scrabble and can only make up words that should be real, rather than actual real words). Somehow it weaseled its way into our vocabulary and since Cora is just such a little doot, the squidoo part just got attached. So more often than not, Squidoot or Squidoo or Doot, or just Squid. Not the most girly nickname but fun to say and I love our Squidoo!

Update: Apparently baby brain has gotten the better of me and I forgot I already posted this photo. So here's another to make you happy!

This cute outfit made possible by Great Aunt Jennie and Great Uncle Larry - Thanks!

I can't resolve, so I surrender. Happy New Year!

I was talking with my hubby today after some sweet cuddle time and I brought up the topic of New Years resolutions. He wasn't doing any because what is the point and why say you are going to start something just because the calendar says a different year. Hmm. I understand, but I still like to do them, at least in my head. Then no one will know I've given them up by say...mid February. Then as I pondered, I realized that I've never kept resolutions. I'm just crap at them!

If everything I've been learning lately is true, then here are my thoughts for the new year. I'll list the things I would like to do, but can't because of my stubbornness, my addiction to sugar and french fries, my unwillingness to take direction or counsel, my ignorance, my weaknesses, my physical limitations, my upbringing, fears, or my bad habits. These are the things I've resolved to do, again and again, and never have.

Get down to a healthy body weight
Get out of debt
Write every day
Practice my guitar every day
Treat Matt with kindness every day
Cultivate friendships by being intentional with people

These are great goals, but for reasons listed above, I've never accomplished them or done the daily ones for more than say...two weeks. Now what if I spend the next year surrendering these things over to God, asking him to change me (because I do a bang up job of changing myself, right?) and make me into the woman he created me to be? I wonder what January 2010 will look like? I'll let you know.

While my Squidoo gently sleeps

Yes, Cora has many names. Toad (for the faces she makes), Squid, Squidoo, Squeaker, Angel baby, Squirt, Tiny, Gorgeous, Grumpy...we call her so many things. Right now she is sleeping and I have a moment to breathe!

The days pass in a haze of about 12 hours. It's all I can manage to stay awake for in a stretch. And they often run from noon to midnight. I'm trying to change that. To get back on a human schedule. I do so like structure. I never knew how much until I had a babe. My horribly unstructured mind needs something to provide it with edges to bump up against.

In the quiet moments when the Squidoo is asleep, I'm not doing laundry or dishes. No, I am reading and watching Netflix movies. The house is not too far this side of chaos and so I'm not feeling guilty about that. The days are cold(ish) and sunny and soon I will form a plan to reclaim some semblance of physical health, but for now, it's movies, books, fig newtons and short walks in the winter sun.

This week's films were:
Into the Wild - somehow this movie annoyed me that he finally figured out that life was about relationships and then he died, because he was too stubborn to take some survival training before he walked out 'into the wild.' The gypsy life has always had a draw to me, but I never wanted to do it alone.
Outsourced - I more watched this for my Sister in Law and it was slightly amusing, but had great footage of India.
Definitly, Maybe - a prime example of how most of the romantic comedies from Netflix are crap I wouldn't pay to see in the theatre, but looked mildly amusing so I add them to my queue. Not one I'd recommend.

Books I'm still in the middle of:
The Shack. I don't want to talk about this book yet, but I am reading it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Matt reads to me and Cora at night and we just started book 4. I figure she won't be old enough to read these for some time and is too young to know what he is saying yet!

Happy New Year!

We rang in the new year with neighbors and friends while our wee sprog kept us company and refused to sleep! There's so much to think about for this coming year. So much I'd like to do, see, and learn. I haven't even begun to get still and think but I will be carving out some time this coming week to do just that. My dear friend Tara Leigh twittered this earlier today and I found it so fitting: "My only resolution for 2009 is to put my hope in God and not give way to fear." Fear is the thing that waits outside the door for me. Whispering doubt through the cracks and I can choose to stand and listen or to put my trust in something else. Someone else.

Matt (oh let's face it, you all know our names) is job hunting and I am mothering our tiny girl. It's a cloistered life right now. The state of the economy has only reached a small finger in to touch us financially for now, but as I flipped through the New York Times year in pictures, I am reminded how big the world is and how much we are still in need of someone to save us from ourselves. I can't find that in presidents, or a fat investment portfolio. I can't find it it relationships, although they bring me joy. I can't find it in politics, or a job, or being a famous songwriter. Call me ignorant, call me naive, call me backward, or religious, but it seems my only hope in this swirling chaos of a planet is to put my trust in someone bigger than myself. Without that trust, I am back listening to the whispers of fear that threaten to engulf my very sanity. I'll be thinking on that as I ponder this new year. May yours be filled with joy.

I'm no great thinker

In fact, although I was a skeptic, I am noticing baby brain is a very real phenomenon. I could not think of the name Harry Connick Jr. for the life of me today! Why? I'm not sure. I used to think deep thoughts, now I ponder formula, pee, poo, and how can I get outside into the sunshine today. Not much else. I'm sure it's reflected here on my blog since I have no time to peruse the 'interwebs' in search of interesting tidbits to amuse you with these days. I bet you'd settle for baby pictures. Hm. I knew it! Everyone's a sucker for cuteness.

Cora had her 2 month checkup yesterday and was 8lb 8oz and 20 1/4 inches long. What a hoss!! She's only in the 10th percentile, but that is to be expected for a preemie. She also had to have her shots and we had her frenulum clipped so she could eat better. It was a rough day. Thank goodness for baby Tylenol!

And now for the cuteness:

Bathtime! (with modesty washcoth :) )

Napping with Papa at Gramma's house. (notice how there are rarely photos of 'napping with mama? That's cause I'm the picture taker around here)

Napping with Uncle Jessie in her Christmas sleeper (there's a lot of napping going on lately)

Being entertained by the graphics I made! Yay for photoshop to make stuff to entertain the baby! She's 2 months old in this picture and can't get enough of the changing table graphics.

Christmas means carnage!

Remember that from Babe? I do. Christmas isn't like when I was a kid, it's crazy!

We decided that the Geek's family was close enough to visit without too much chaos and crying baby. We intended to rent a car, but due to new policies about having a credit card (and we have none) we weren't able to. So, with a prayer for the car and our safety we took off for Atlanta into a storm that we kept driving back into. We'd stop to feed the baby and the rain would stop, then we'd take off and catch up to the storm. I drove the first leg, slowly and nervously since I'm a little night blind and with rain added, it's only worse, then the Geek drove the second leg. We made it all in one piece and with only minimal poop, spit-up and crying baby in the car.

Then it was a whirlwind of family, food, feedings, fun, freaking out, and frazzled mamas (and other things that start with F, I'm sure.) I got most of my Christmas postcards addressed and in the mail. Cora was passed around enough to make even the happiest baby have a little meltdown from being handled too much. (All in all, she did ok, but we are recovering none the less and she has been grumpier than usual for the last couple of days.) I got to spend great time with my nieces and nephews, plus have good and connecting conversation with my sisters in law. The Geek read the Christmas story to me as I fed our little girl at midnight on Christmas day.

The Geek disappeared into the basement with his brothers for hours on end to play some game which involved a load of fiddly bits of cardboard, dice, and plastic men. Two days (not continuously) and into the wee hours of the night later, he came back to his mom's house tired and a little worse for wear, but had fun.

Worn out, we decided to head back a day early, but not before meeting with some friends for dinner. It was wonderful to catch up with Nick and Sarah, see how big their babies have gotten and have them oooo and aaah over how small ours is still. I forgot to take pictures. (sigh)

Now we are back home with our fuzzy children, still not tackling the laundry that we acquired while away and I am longing for leftovers! Merry Christmas to you all. Sorry I didn't get this posted sooner. If you think of it, pray for a job for the Geek soon. Severence won't last forever!

Better than Cookies...Homemade English Toffee

Believe it or not, this recipe is actually very quick. Once you know your way around candy making, it's quite enjoyable to whip up a batch of this stuff.

Here's the recipe I use which is actually a combination of several recipes I reviewed and tested. This is very simple, but comes out great every time, as long as I make it on a sunny day.

English Toffee

Things to know and things you'll need ahead of time:

• You need a candy thermometer. Test it. Water boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit so boil some water and check to make sure you thermometer is acurate. Mine is about 8 degrees off and I adjust when I cook. Temps listed are for actual temperature, not my adjusted one.
• Candy making is FAST. Once the water boils out of the mix the temp will rise very quickly and you must keep an eye on the thermometer at all times. Burnt candy is nasty and unusable.
• Make it on a sunny day. Candy making is about how much water is boiled out. Humid days make for questionable candy.
  

Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup almonds or hazelnuts (optional)
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1/8 tsp salt
2 tsp water
8 oz semi-sweet baking chocolate - chopped up or in morstles

1. Prepare your pan. I use a large cookie sheet with edges or a jelly roll pan covered with parchment paper.
2. Melt butter, sugar, salt and water over a low heat until melted together. Stir constantly, but slowly with a wooden spoon or heat proof spatula
3. Raise heat to medium. At 260 degrees you can add in the nuts. Stir constantly but slowly until mixture reaches hard crack stage (300-305 degrees)
4. Remove from heat before mixture gets to 320 degrees and add the vanilla. It will boil rapidly so stir it in and then pour it out onto the pan, using a silicone spatula to spread it around into a large rectangle.
5. Before it cools, use a pizza cutter to score it into long bars. This is optional!
6. Temper your chocolate by microwaving in a glass measuring cup for 30 seconds at a time until it begins to melt. It only has to reach 86 degrees so once it begins to melt, just stir it. The lumps will melt into the mix.
7. With a silicone spatula, spread the chocolate evenly over the toffee. Let it cool completely in the fridge. Break into pieces and enjoy!

Cookies for Christmas

I make these and they are gone in a day, so I thought I'd catch a photo while they are still around. This is all the holiday baking I can muster and it's gingerbread dough from a tube before anyone gets too excited. I can't get enough of this stuff! I bought all I could find and now will have to hit another store to find more so I can make some for neighbors. No icing, just raisins like Mama used to do.

I'm gonna miss this hair (favorite photos of recent weeks)

Snuggle with Mama

Naptime with Papa

Rock Star hair

Christmas...

My friend Mandy posted about how she felt quiet about this Christmas and I have to say, I feel the same way. I don't want to get presents. I don't want to give presents. I don't want Santa or hubbub, or shopping (although I'm still keen on the food). I just want to be with people I love and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

It's pretty concrete to have a little one in our house, and it brings new realism while thinking of Mary, giving birth in a stable and then the worries of keeping a little one warm and fed, far from her family, in a foreign country with a guy she was betrothed to and probably didn't know all that well. I live in a large warm house, my husband is here and loves us, we have food and friends and support and although the Geek got 'put in the resource pool' (ie laid off with severance pay for a few months) at work we still have it pretty great. My angel baby sleeps like a dream for a 2 week old (adjusted age)/7 week old baby. (In fact, she sleeps a little TOO much! I'm such a worry wart...)

The clouds are racing across the December sky today, giving me flashes of much needed sunshine and honestly, I am feeling much better. Still, how can I celebrate my Jesus? My life is still a flurry of 3 hour segments, but in the quiet moments when she's asleep, my heart asks that question. I'm still thinking on it.

Just say yesto drugs (a few notes about the day)

It's official. The 'baby blues' and 'winter blues' aka Seasonal Affective Disorder combined with sleep deprivation pack a wallop. My OB/Gyn put me on meds today to get me through the winter and I can't say I'm protesting. Plus apparently my thyroid is enlarged. Had to give a little red blood cell donation to figure out what's going on with that. The hits just keep on comin'! It's really hard not see my old bod as defective when they have to keep me on a cocktail of meds just to keep me going. But maybe that's just the postpartum depression talking.

Christmas is next week and I am trying to let go of the fact that we won't be unpacking the decorations this year. It's just the way it has to be with a new baby. Neither of us are up for a decorating spree. Instead I just enjoy other peoples pretty lights and spend snippets of time with friends, all the while enjoying the fact that gingerbread dough comes in a roll that I can make into fabulous and stress free cookies.

Alecia (a friend from church) came over and brought yummy lentil and cous cous soup. She also did my dishes! I swear it felt like a 20 lb weight every time I went into the kitchen. Thanks friend! Next I'll tackle the dust buffaloes that are tumbling around my kitchen floor.

Death by 'shoulda'

Have you heard this? "Don't should yourself to death." I can very easily head that way. I'm the queen of shoulda coulda woulda.
Examples:

• I should be out and about by now. My friends with new babies are! What's wrong with me?
• I should have a clean house. The dust buffaloes are scaring off company and making me crazy!
• I should have decorated for Christmas by now. It's next week for crum's sake!
• I shouldn't need people to bring me food by now (and the guilt for asking from a certain party isn't helping! Honestly)
• It's noon and I haven't done anything. I should get up, get dressed and be productive.

I'm sitting here with my baby girl who is not going to sleep because of excess gas, reading a blog about a mom who has 4 kids (one of them a newborn) and is parenting, taking photos, blogging, cooking, and get this...knitting! All with children and life swirling about her. I can't even manage to get out of bed before 9am or make sure I have clean clothes! Much less cook or knit. Sheesh. SO the shoulds come in and I start to feel guilty.

Here's my prayer for today:
Help me be in the moment. Help me take each little smile and erp as a gift. So what if we have no 'baby's first christmas' ornament. So what if we don't do a tree this year. So what if I am in desperate need of a shower and haircut. So what if money is tight. I am where I am. It is where I am supposed to be! Help me find joy in the moment and not should myself to death.

Grieving for nursing

After nearly 6 weeks, I am approaching the time when I will have to give up attempting to nurse my baby girl. My body is not on board with this project and I just cannot make milk. I've tried every method, every doctor and lactation nurse's advice, every medicine, every herb, every machine (pumps) there is and nothing worked, or if it worked, it brought disastrous other results that made me have to abandon that course of action (Reglan - severe depression, or Mother's Milk Tea - caused my blood pressure medicine to not work).

As much as I have hated breastfeeding at times, like when I was so tired from trying to heal from surgery and wanted to give up, it breaks my heart to actually have to give it up. Until now there was always one other option to try, one more drug, one more method. Now there is nothing. I am using a supplemental system to 'nurse' her, but really she's mostly living on formula. Soon she will outgrow the bottles that fit onto the system and I'll have to give her bigger bottles, but not ones that are attached to me. We can pretend for awhile longer and have sweet bonding times at all hours of the night and day, but soon, too soon, I'll have to surrender this too. I still have some grief over missing so much of her first hours, not actually getting to 'birth' her, just basically have her removed from my body and a few other things. I never thought that this would be something that would never happen. I come from a family of champion nursers!

As long as I am on my blood pressure medicine, the dopamine and prolactin (milk making hormone) will continue to compete and the medicine that raises my dopamine level to control my blood pressure will always win out over the prolactin. I have beat myself up for this since I'm pretty sure my hypertension is weight related and I have yet to make choices to fix that. It could be just how my body is, but it could be just one more consequence of my lifestyle. I'm not in shame about that, but still there is sadness there.

There is no more to say. No magic pill that will fix it. I have cried over it, asked for healing, asked for grace for this one thing, but the answer and the blessing I get is having her. Alive and in my arms. Not just as I would want it, but still here. So I grieve for the things that will never happen and I enjoy the last sweet times with my daughter in my arms like this.

This is not a video of me nursing, just a little clip of Cora, awake and alert just after we finish nursing. (AT 12:45 am!)

It's my due date!

And she's already here. 5 weeks old today. I can't believe that much time has passed. We went to an LLL meeting today and attempted to get to Target, but halfway there realized that we are not ready for this kind of outing on our own. Hooray for online shopping! Even diapers! I may think I'm physically ready, but her ability to eat while we are out is very not relaxed and a frantic baby is not fun, so we'll reign in my exuberance and keep it close to home for a few more weeks.

My computer charger chord broke so I'm borrowing one of the Geek's spare 'puters. I miss mine! Ah well. No new photos for now.

I have a whole new respect for parents that I never had before. I just never knew how hard it was. I stare in wonder at people who have more than one, amazed that the children are all alive, fed and happy and that the parents have not ripped all of their hair out! They look normal! How do they do it?

Ooop. I hear fussing. I'm off!

Things I wish I had known, but never could have known, because, honestly, you never know (notes to me for next time before I forget)

For pregnancy:

• Get a massage often. It's worth it.
• Do your pre-natal yoga. It's more than worth it.
• Swim, a lot. Your joints will thank you.
• Have shoes that will fit you when your feet look like the pillsbury dough boy. Not just flip flops!
• Sodium is never your friend. (unless you dig looking like a toad)
• Set a reminder on your phone to take your vitamins. Baby brain is a real thing!

In the hospital:

• Bring more than one robe. If by some random chance you end up having to stay longer than 3 days, that one robe is gonna be funky. Cotton, not flannel or fleece so you can sleep in it and not sweat your face off. And it could be pretty and not that raggedy old man robe you've had for years. Very un-sexy. (not that being sexy post partum is remotely on or near my mind)
• Waddle on over (or send hubby) to the Lactation boutique (while in the hospital) and BUY a second set of pump flanges and valves. It's only 10 bucks. Really. After 4 weeks of washing out the same set every 3 hours (to skip the washing is to risk thrush), I finally did this. Now I can go 6 hours! Weeeee! (Better yet, ask the lactation nurses for another set. It's covered by your insurance and they are happy to help.)
• They may give you an Ameda pump in the hospital but good luck finding parts for it at Target (see previous note about pump flanges)! Go with the Medela if you can, but know that the bottles for Medela fit the Ameda flanges. (discovered this yesterday)
• Bring slippers. The kind that slip on. Scuffs, I believe they are called. Better than compression socks and flip flops. It was a very Geisha look, let me tell ya.
• Shave your legs when contractions start (or your water breaks!). It's gonna be a long time before you can do it again.
• Bring something to put on the door to help visitors find you and to help people whom you don't know from wandering into the wrong room while your hubby very nearly stands naked in the hospital room fresh from a shower. (yes, this happened. He had just gotten pants on!)
• That sign that says 'no visitors right now' is a beautiful thing. Use it and sleep.
• Take (and wear) a pair of earrings. It helps to see something pretty in the mirror to go with all of that swelling.
• Modesty with L&D or Recovery nurses is wasted. They've seen it all! If they want to help you get dried off from your first shower post partum, it's actually nice and in a way feels like being a kid again.
• Ask for what you need and don't worry about what people think. If it is time for meds and they aren't there yet, buzz the nurses. If you are hungry, ask for a snack.
• Buy a meal ticket for hubby. Sending him off to forage every 4-5 hrs can be stressful. At least breakfast!

Post partum:

• Give yourself 6 weeks to start feeling normal. Your body is not 18 any more!
• A tiny fridge upstairs is your best friend!
• Buy some bottles. You may think you'll be a champion nurser, but your body may have different ideas.
• Maternity underwear. Buy them, wear them, both before and after delivery (after you are no longer wearing the hospital issue mesh undies and mattress sized pads!). Ignore comments from hubby about 'granny panties'. You try wearing underwear that hit you where your stomach was recently cut open!
• When people ask what you need, be honest... Tell them to bring food!
• Trips to the pediatrician are hard those first coupla weeks. Take a friend or family member to help you carry things like, say, the car seat and diaper bag.
• You can never have enough burp cloths!
• Formula will mold on baby clothes if allowed to stay damp and those stains will never come out.
• When they say rest when the baby rests, find a way to do it. Laundry, dishes and dinner be damned! No one will die or starve if you don't do those things, but you will feel like crap if you do them.
• Hubbies are great for ordering take out or rummaging through the fridge to find a feast of leftovers.

In general:

• Buy a car seat at the end of the second trimester, because anything beyond 30 (28 really) weeks is fair game. Just leave it in the box if you think you might get one at at a baby shower. It's very returnable!
• Likewise, pick a 'going home outfit' for the wee smidge and wash it. Doing a load of laundry while sitting on a towel after your water breaks sucks.
• Read up about possible delivery scenarios, instead of thinking 'this will never happen to me' and winding up relying on a vague memory of the video from birthing class when a C-Section comes your way.
• Your feet WILL eventually go back to NOT looking like refrigerator biscuits. Even though it seems impossible. You do, in fact, have ankle bones.

I'm sure all this will go right out the window when it's baby number 2 and I have to take care of them AND take care of me when the Geek goes back to work!

Beginning to see the light

SO I'm now 3 plus weeks post partum and I'm realizing that a good chunk of the the 'hard' part of the last few weeks was really the recovering from the surgery. I am so impatient with myself to heal that I didn't know how to relax and rest. I'm learning. Bedtime is currently nine pm most nights. I used to think my sister was CRAZY for going to bed that early. Life just was just getting started at that time. No more!

I'm entering a different phase now and it's amazing how much I weigh out the pros and cons of everything right now. Take purchasing things for example. I can see how attractive online shopping is as compared to driving around looking for the best deal. That takes a lot of energy! I mean really.

The Geek and I finally bit the bullet and collected all of our gift cards and baby gift money and bought a stroller and car seat. We have been using a loaner since we left the hospital. The Geek planned the entire day so we could work in the Baby Bear's feedings plus eat at our favorite breakfast eatery (Noshville), make a Target run and be home in time to avoid fussy babies and fussy mamas. I still get so tired I can feel it in my teeth! Weird huh?

OK, now for the fun part. It's weird to think I used to have time to do this every day! Not just when I had a spare second. How do you mommy bloggers do it?! If you feel like slogging through all of the recent photos they are all over at my flickr page (see sidebar badge) It's been awhile since I uploaded so there are over 100 photos between me and my mama (who was here last week and now I'm on my own! Mmgggiih!)

Cora and her bear. She stuck out her tongue at it.

That seems to be a theme here!

Yes, I admit it, I take photos of us on the timer setting when the Geek isn't around. And yes, we are in the bathroom.

My little froggie baby!

So sweet. I am blessed to have such a good baby.

She looks like a little flower here.

Gramma came to visit. Cora was having a 'mo' (short for moment)

This is post-bath hair. It's like a fuzzy peach!

And last but not least, the little smile she gave to her Gramma right before she headed back to Texas.

Breaking the baby code!

Thoughts on transitioning from pregnancy to motherhood

I may have my body back but I've traded it for my mind.

Who knew this kid could get so much bigger in 3 weeks?!

I have never loved this deeply. Not even my husband who I love with all my heart. It feels like I need to explode, implode, get quiet and still, shout with joy from the highest of places, laugh and cry...all at once. It's too big to take in some days.

A small baby asleep on my chest is reason enough to pause life for an hour (or 3).

ENFP?

When the Geek and I did this for marriage counseling I was an ENFJ and he was and IFNJ. I wonder if I've changed? Plus, I don't think I'm a flirt (although before I got married others would have said I was).

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. You break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

In case I forget

At 2 weeks Cora was 4lb 12 oz and 18 inches
At 2 weeks and 6 days she was 5lb 5.5oz and they didn't measure her.

But her long skinny feet are now chubby. Which I think is amazing and oh so cute. It's hard to keep a kid warm and take pictures of their naked (and not crying and squirmy) self so I'm still working on it.

The Geek and I referred to her as a 'single scoop' (like ice cream or raisin bran which has 2 scoops! hee hee!) when we brought her home since we both could handle her with one hand when we scooped her up from her bassinet or when we passed her back and forth. Especially when she was swaddled. I think we are up to a scoop and a half now. I swear I'm working on uploading more photos. Gramma was recently here so there are mine and hers to share.

When you can't do anything else, laugh.

Sigh. I'm making it. Thanks for all the comforting words. Glad menfolk don't have to do this. Here's what happens when they just get the sniffles!

Drowning,,,

Help! I'm going under! The last of my family help left this morning. The Geek is back at work as of last week. The meals have stopped (except for 2 days/week which frankly isn't enough, but what can a gal do. I'm grateful for it!). My milk still isn't in and if I have to look at that pump again I will cry (more that I have been already). If the Geek didn't make me eat I wouldn't remember to. Low sodium diet restrictions rule out a lot of processed food so I have to make food, wash out bottles and breast pump bottles and the somewhere in that haul my recently cut open self up and down stairs (WHY DID WE BUY A 2 STORY HOUSE?!) and try to get some rest. (HA!) I can't do this!

How much she is loved

I have been getting these emails from babycenter.com about where my baby is and what is going on with her, gestation-wise and as I was trying to find a way to change her due date I stumbled across her calendar, which notes activities that could be happening during pregnancy. This struck me.

"Wednesday November 5th: Your baby will soon start to drop down lower in your pelvis, a process called lightening or engagement. You should get relief from heartburn and find it easier to breathe when this happens."

This is one week exactly after she was born and from all we know about her state inside my uterus, the lightening would have very probably put her in distress and there was a chance she could have been stillborn. It is just another reminder for me how much her being here is a miracle. I take it for granted at 4 am.

Bounty of Friends

We had had such an inundation of love, help and, nearly best of all, food from friends. Tracy made me pumpkin bread AND pumpkin cookies. How did she know I love and crave pumpkin? Soups and pot pie carefully stashed in the freezer (cause tired Papa Bears (the Geek) and Mama Bears (me) need lunch too). Carol coming over with tiny preemie onsies to borrow, and proof that they do indeed grow bigger with her small daughter in tow (being around 3 lbs when she was born!) and comforting conversation about the woes of breast pumps!

Even the trees put on their Sunday best to welcome my small girl to the world. The street is ablaze with reds, oranges, and golds as the Geek and I sit in the afternoon sunshine on the porch of our home. Yummy Lentil and Venison Sausage soup for lunch from Jan, cooked in my own pot and waiting for us when we got home Sunday (although I was a bit confused and could not remember making a soup so why was there a pot in the fridge?)!

And now, for your daily dose of our Baby Bear:

My and the baby bears hands

Papa Bear holds the baby bears tiny feet

I can hardly resist these Papa Bear and Baby Bear moments in the mornings.

First 'Playdate' and other things

Cora (whom we have dubbed Baby Bear) and Elijah (AKA Eichelbaby) had a 'playdate' while the mamas talked. I can't get over it! He's only 6 weeks old, but look a the size difference!! WOW. I guess techically he is 10 weeks older since she was 5 weeks early and he was a week early.

IN other news, we spent the day at the ER for me with shortness of breath and wheezing. Oodles of tests later, my breastmilk (which still has not really come in yet) is radioactive for 24 hrs and must be 'pumped and dumped' as the tech put it so nicely. I tried the dark beer method of helping my milk supply last night and about a third of a way through it I remembered that alcohol and pain meds are a bad combo. Panicked, I called Poison Control and they said not to take any more for 6 hrs, and that I would feel very sleepy. But I started feeling short of breath last night and wheezy this morning so we went to the ER. After all that, I came home and there on the side of the bottle was a warning that taking too much of this med could result in breathing problems and in fact, the night before I had taken a dose too close to the other one. Hmmm... We laughed at the irony of it all. Sigh.

A wink and a spook

Jan brought by a little costume for Cora to wear for Halloween since we didn't expect to have a baby by Halloween! So here's a wink for ya and her 'I love my Mummy' outfit.