Family, with all the fixin's

Growing up I heard about families that had lost touch with each other, that didn't talk anymore, or had huge rifts that could not be overcome and I listened in wonder and in my innocence, thought 'my family will never be like that.' Oh how I was wrong. As I get older (and I'm not so old) things just get more and more convoluted. Brothers and sisters go out into the world and depart from the vein of living they learned at the family home. Some stay on that path, but others for whatever reason, follow a different path. Yet we are all still connected by an invisible thread of blood-bond that cannot be broken and the actions of one, for the good or bad, effect the family unit. Not that we all go down with the ship if one decides to destroy himself/herself, but that tug on our hearts is there, no matter how we try to sever it.

Today I am sad about that kind of situation in my family. I have given up my old ways of trying to mend all the fences and now I strive to just let go and let someone bigger take it from my hands, but that thread tugs at my heart and it hurts, more than I want it to. It's a relief that it's not my job to make sure all the people in my family turn out safe, happy, and whole, but I can't help the sorrow I feel as I watch them go through the hard parts. It reminds me, even more, to cherish the relationships that I have, to love well, to be honest, own my part, ask for forgiveness when I am wrong, and in the end, to let go of the result.

Musician's Life tip #1005 - Not for GUYS!

Wisdom often comes from experience, so let me share a little life tip with y'all.

It is generally a bad plan to wear a lace bra under a t-shirt. Although the desired effect may be to look good in your clothes and to know you are wearing something pretty for either yourself or the hubby, it generally ends up looking as if you have stored 2 large balls of cottage cheese under your shirt, rather than boobs.
Not a good look.

Brave New World

My Papa (Dad) has a facebook page! What?!

What dog-moms have know all along.

Found this on the discovery channel website tonight. A universal 'duh' was heard by all dog owners.


"April 22, 2008 -- The emotion conveyed by a dog's bark often seems obvious to its human companions, but new research shows just how clear the message can be -- at least, to other dogs..."

Spring flowers bring...less time blogging

Have you noticed how B-E-A-utiful it is outside? If not, close this browser page RIGHT NOW and run out of doors. I don't care if you are in a 100 story office building, people!! GO OUTSIDE!

I just thought someone was stomping around!

I woke up at about 4:44 last night and the room was shaking. I thought it was the Geek, stomping around downstairs and a sign that our house did really have some structural issues. Nope. It was an earthquake. In Nashville. I didn't know that could happen!

According to this little blurb in the Tennessean, here's the skinny"

"9:40 a.m.

State transportation officials are checking bridges across Tennessee for possible damage from the 5.4-magnitude earthquake that shook the area overnight.

The Tennessee Department of Transportation has crews out in West Tennessee doing visual inspections, in particular focusing on crossings over the Mississippi and Tennessee rivers, says Julie Oaks, spokeswoman for the state highways agency.

In Middle Tennessee, crews are making visual checks in the northern counties as far east as Cumberland County.

Oaks said the department doesn't expect to find any damage. "But as a precaution, we are checking."

- JENNY UPCHURCH"

Other links here and here

UPDATE! - as I was posting this @ 10:16 am, I felt another little tiny aftershock. Weird!!

Just to make you laugh

see more crazy cat pics

Slow down...you'll get there quicker, or at least you'll get there

Yesterday we did the double birthday bash for friends. The first was a trip to the Sounds game, Nashville's own minor league team, for a neighborhood friend's big 3-0. We got minorly trounced at 4-1, the 1 coming at the end, when we sort of rolled our eyes at how the bases could have been loaded and caught us up! Sheesh. It was over the fence! The geek and I consumed green hamburgers, jumbo dogs and nachos so salty they made my mouth dry up! It was very fun. The camaraderie was the best part of all!

Then it was on the the next party, which was a bash for our pastor at the Rutledge. Live music, hot wings, cheese, fruit and two giant cakes with golf balls (made of icing) on them. We enjoyed music by Trigger Code and more - MC'd by Mojo, formerly of the O.C. Supertones.

While we had a great time and got to wish fabulous people a happy birthday, I found that in the second party, a rock show and outrageous birthday blowout by all accounts, I missed the intimacy and connection that I have so come to crave. I notice that craving is stretching to other parts of my life. It's easy to post here and know that you all will read it, and I don't have to make phone calls to tell you news or cool story to make you laugh, but while it's a great method of getting the news out, it's a sterile method of friendship. I haven't gone over my minutes in months! That never used to happen. We used to have to put a ban on talking or only talk at night in order to keep our phone bill out of the crazy range!

The geek and I, in passing, talked about maybe turning off the internet for awhile and getting still. It might not happen, but still, it's a reminder to me of what I value. And this blog, emails, Reuter's news, and silly cat captions don't come anywhere near the top of that list. You might hear more from me in the weeks to come as I practice being intentional with people. It's a skill I don't always come easily by. It's much more efficient to post, have a laugh, make a run by appearance at parties and then save my energy for writing or working, but it doesn't make a very good life. I am so grateful for all of you.

Sweet Hearbeat

I never thought I'd be so excited to see a blurry image of a little bean, but I was. After a weekend of worry and things that had us wondering if this was the end of the pregnancy, the geek and I went in for my first ultrasound. I'll spare you the details of gowns and wands, but when I saw that little tiny baby, with it's heartbeat winking fast,a little head with a little eye. Wow. I am overjoyed that it's still there!!! To the average observer, this is not a picture of much, but to me, and to it's Papa, it's beautiful! We are beside ourselves! The geek is taking photos to work! (not of the procedure. Ick.) He said this was the first time he really connected with the idea in actuality. I couldn't decide which was more fun to watch, the screen where our little baby was making it's first appearance, or the Geek, who was grinning like a kid! So here's it's (we don't want to say he/she until we know) world debut!

The Bean
Closeup!

Leigh and Matt - Making sweet music again!

This may be old news to everyone else, but WOW! Leigh Nash announced it on her Myspace blog and the world quietly turned on it's ear. I didn't know how much this space was lacking in my musical heart. I've missed the bold words, the stunning melodies, clear voice, and inspiring guitar riffs that make up this incredible band up. If you don't know Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum, maybe you'll recognize the name of their old band, now back together. Six Pence Non the Richer. (their site is slightly out of date, so check out other sources) They did a rockin' show this last Sunday @ 3rd and Lindsley with other Nashville wave maker - Trent Dabbs.

Some days there is just too much great music bustling around in my head and in the world around me. I feel like I need to expand to take it all in and let it all go.

No waiting

I was with some friends last night and they were talking about the process of waiting, which I suck at, BTW. One of the gals shared this quote:

"We don't wait for life to become perfect to begin to live it fully."

I'm not sure where she heard it, or what it was from, but brought the table to a quite moment as Peter, the other ponderer, and I scribbled that furiously in our little notebooks. I have been thinking how much I wait for "someday", when really this is the moment I am supposed to be in. My list goes like this...if only I were ____________ (thinner, smarter, richer, funnier, braver, quieter etc ad nauseum!) or if only I had ____________ (money, a new car, more of whatever)

This whole experience of having to wait for the little bean to make an appearance is strange for me. I forget it's happening and then a plate of eggs just a slight bit too runny flip my stomach over and the thought is back in my face!

Over the last few years, there have been many times where I thought I had the answer to things; that I knew just where to go and what to do, and then the reply (when I thought to slow down and ask - usually when things got out of hand) was to wait. I hate waiting. (so does Indigo Montoya, but that's another story) Actually, in hindsight, had I pushed ahead with what I thought the answer was, or SHOULD be, my life would be very different right now and I don't think for the better. There were so many things that I had to learn the hard way, just like always, and there were so many things that have been hard, but staying in them was the right answer, even though it felt painful.

The geek and I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary together last week. We went to the restaurant where we ate on our very first date (then unofficial) SATCo, if you must know. Then, as per our tradition, we found a photo booth and took silly pictures. You know, those kind all in a strip that you used to do with your friends when you were in Jr. High and you weren't too cool to roll up your tongue and make a pig nose? Yup. Those. So far we've taken one each year but our first. We didn't have the idea then. But had I done my relationship with my geek like I've done every relationship in the past, I wouldn't be in those photos with him (nor would I be gestating a little bean!). That tells me my thinking is off and to learn to love, grow, and be changed, I have to listen to people a little bit wiser than me. And wait.

So all my ducks are nowhere near a row, but here I am, living life, loving that sweet geek of mine, even when I don't like him. The reward? He comes home from work and we sit and talk for a moment, honestly, openly, without our defenses up, and from that, the roots grow a little deeper. I'm glad I'm still by your side Fozz, and you, by mine.

The all new, clumsier Me!

I have not been THIS unaware of what I am doing since Jr. High. It's risky business being me right now. So far, I've fallen off the sidewalk, re-pulled my hip flexor muscle by running to catch the bus, and this morning, I attempted to sit in my chair at the office and fell out, landing squarely into a set of file draws. I'm sure I'm going to have a huge bruise.

Sheesh.

Why...

Everything smells like vomit today. I can't get the smell out of my nose! No one threw up, and yet still...
Blech

5 weeks along

Since discovering I am growing my own symbiote, I decided to start a blog about it. Here's a recap of how this happened. No gory details, mind you. If you want those, go to sex ed class. This was not planned. We had been thinking about having one of these, but the thought for the last, nearly, four years has alternately scared the bejesus out of me and had me making googley eyes at newborns I see at my local coffee shop.

I had some clues that something was different, starting Friday.

First, I went TOTALLY ape-shit on a stranger for poor driving skills and basically informed her what a pathetic excuse for humanity she was and that she was an unfit mother. Hmm. Usually I just let that crap go.

Then this happened: Crying and then laughing, then crying, then raging, then crying, then laughing. Whew. I feel pretty nuts. And that was just 2 hours worth!!

Then, I thought to myself...what if I'm not just late (which never happens, by the way. I am a 28 days girl. You could set a clock by my uterus!). A quick trip to the drug store for some left over Easter candy and a few prego tests later...(which, by the way is WAY too complicated. How hard can it be to wee on a stick?! This is why they don't just give you one.)

Well, you saw the results yourself!

I've had my first wave (or 5) of nausea and I am not pleased, even though it means I am less likely to miscarry because of all the progesterone flooding my system, I hate, hate, hate nausea. I'd rather just go ahead and puke than walk around feeling like that, which, I've been informed, doesn't make it stop.

Then I remembered that gestational diabetes runs in my family. So, like a good girl, it's down the sink with all that Easter candy. Which, by the way, didn't happen. I had to have BD (my husband, the "Baby Daddy" lol) take it away from me. I had consumed most of it!

To top all of that off, my OB-GYN let me know that since I started out heavy, it's best if I LOSE weight during this pregnancy! Sheesh. How in the WORLD is that going to happen.

As for keeping it a secret, I always did suck at that, at least when it comes to surprise parties and the like and this is WAAAAAY better than that. I told all of my family (there's a lot to tell, I come from a huge family) and the BD told his. (the term BD sounds so naughty, like we aren't married. LOL!)

So now, at just 5 weeks along, when the little bean is no bigger than a piece of cous-cous, everyone knows. As for how I feel about it, I've gone through so many emotions in the last 3 days, I can hardly tell you. All in all, I am happy about it. Thinking about the future and all of the things that will change kind of makes my eyes go wide, but I know that things will iron themselves out and it's not my job to make them all go smoothly. BD is ecstatic and totally freaked out, and ecstatic. It alternates, really.

Reeling

As you can well imagine, life has been turned on it's ear. I am still reeling about this, but very happy. The geek nearly exploded with joy upon reading the result. My reaction was more like..."Yay!...Oh CRAP!"

Everything changes.

What else can I say. I've had lots of great advice about this and lots of support. The truth is, these are uncharted waters for me (us) and I am TERRIFIED at times, and OVERJOYED at other times. Perhaps that's the hormones talking, but maybe not. I am ready and SOOO not ready. Good thing I don't have to have everything figured out right now! Your support and encouragement is needed. I'm glad I've got such good friends!
One called me today, a fellow musician, and what she said so encouraged me. I know I post as "the musician" but really, I have not done anything with that gift in a long time. Just this month I was pondering and praying about that and asking for willingness to become that again. I know it's me who self sabotages and goes and hides in a hole when opportunity comes my way. Just this month I was trying to reconcile the life of a mother with the life of a musician and found it to be incompatible in my mind. Now it's like, just when I was ready to take the first step, the door closes and I'm on to a different phase of life. One that I'm not sure I'm prepared for, at all! I don't want music to be something I used to do.
My friend heard all this outpouring, in tears of course, cause I'm CRAZY hormonal, and reminded me how writers and singers we know and admire have become so much deeper and better at creating their art because they had children. Women who have kept on performing, because it is who they are! Like it tapped into something that they never knew was there. That is a comforting thought right now. Especially when I look at the plan I had all mapped out to make me into the woman I thought would be best and realize that I am not that woman, at all. But am exactly where I am supposed to be. I can't always reconcile that logic in my head, but I know it to be truth.

I am a vessel now, in more ways than one
I can't imagine what the day will bring.
But I am willing,
I am waiting,
I am wanting to be free.
I am impatient,
imperfect,
imagining a better me.
When all the time,
The one who is here,
is the one who was meant to be.

umm...

Thats the news...and now for the weather!

It's spring!! Can you believe it?! Why does this seem like such a frickin miracle every year? It's almost as if I can't believe that the trees actually have leaves and the grass is any other color but a washed out tan. I grew up WAAAAY south of here and the tease of warm weather has been playing havoc with my brain!! I am halfway ready to pack up my bags and go south for the winter. I am so very tired of being cold. I should actually be a hibernator instead of one of those creatures who is awake for the winter.

Nothing amazing to report. We did end up finding a tenant and she moves in this weekend. The geek works 40 hours a week at a job, and I only work 20, so the care of the cottage is my other part time job. If I do it right on the front end, I earn about $500/month for not doing a whole lot, aside from the occasional repair job. I'm getting quite handy these days! Yesterday I bought tin snips and made a backsplash for the stove. Who'da thought I'd be this handy. (well...I did come by it honest. Have you ever met my Mama?)

Me and Freckles were at the dog park yesterday and someone called her a "rolly polley dog." I could have killed them! How dare you call my dog fat?! I think I'm projecting. She didn't seem to mind at all. It did, however, let me know that the change in her dog food was not a good change. Back to the expensive brand!
This summer I am headed to Longview, TX to head up the music for the Day Camp I grew up attending. It's not like what it was when I was a kid. We aren't even allowed to swim in the lake any more for 'insurance reasons.' How crappy is that!?! What if we based everything we did on how much it might cost us in insurance? We might just sit at home. I can't live as if I am guarding myself from insurance risks! Bring on the lake! As long as there are no alligator snapping turtles. Have you seen those?! Yikes!! Grampa used to sit an pick them off the logs with a rifle as they came up to sun. They'd eat the feet off of the ducks, wait for the ducks to drown and then eat the ducks. I like my toes intact, thank you VERY much.  Check out this guy!! OK. I digress....

So apart from killer turtles, I can't wait for the summer. I got to write the them song for the camp! It's about telling people about Jesus. The song is called "Go Fish." I love my job.

Sometimes I forget things like zombies...and then....

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN.

This made the geek and I crack up tonight. Especially the shambling. Never forget the shambling!!

The Heartache Tycoon

I'm not the only rock star in my family.
My little brother actually lives up to that title lately. He's rocking my face off lately with his Americana Country as he seems to be really finding his groove. His newest song "Heartache Tycoon" is dripping with irony, his quirky sense of timing and humor as well as the back way he catches you with a killer lyric. It's not recorded yet, but it's gonna be great. He told me this song's been raising the roof at the local joints in Austin he plays regularly. I can believe it.

As for his style, he's more and more like a male Lucinda Williams lately but sometimes I think it's Ryan Adams and I listen harder and hear my brother's words! It's so very cool.

The reason for blogging about him is this: he called to tell me he was auditioning for Nashville Star! And he's just doing it for laughs. He has a whole fake act and costume and everything! We laughed last night that there's gonna be so much ham, people are gonna think it's Easter Sunday dinner! So if you see this tall, skinny, red-headed guy all in black with huge sunglasses, that's my brother! I gotta see when Nashville star comes on and if I can get it on the internet, since we don't have channels. In the mean time, check him out on myspace. He ROCKS! And yes, before you leave comments to this effect, I know we look A LOT alike.

I'm not up on the skinny

As part of a quest to have more space in my brain to actually create something, I don't have TV channels. We have a box that shows a picture, but if you turn it on and flip the channels, you will get the blue screen. (not the blue screen of death. That is another matter) There is nothing there. Yet, sometimes it's good to snuggle down in a big arm chair and watch a good show. To accomplish this, we have made netflix into our cable company. We get all the series' (a year behind) and are perfectly content to watch them (a year behind) until we catch up and then have to wait another year for say..."House" to come out on netflix. For all of you who are currently rolling your eyes at my extreme uncoolness...yeah. It's never gonna change. Get used to it. I once knew a rock star that while on the road with nothing to do, spent HOURS in WAL-MART. Every day. Better than drinking, I suppose. Musicians are not cool by nature. We are nerds by nature. (that's why we need 'artist development' lol) Ask any musician (even those spandex wearing types once they sober up - drinking hides the nerd-dom). But I digress.

We watched 'The Closer' this weekend and while her thick southern accent was good, it was much like a British person doing a really good American accent. It's good enough to fool the brits, but not me. Only a native can hear the difference. And I am a native. The show was great though, so far. Kick Ace southern chick with an axe to grind and a sugar addiction? My kind of gal.

We also watched the new adventures of Horatio Hornblower (didn't know he had old adventures!) and had a chance to hear a Brit do an American accent there, amongst all swashing and buckling. (or, since they are not Pirates, but primly dressed British navy-men: Swashing and Buttoning lol) It was Swash-Buttoning adventures on the high seas! The geek apparently used to mock his little brother for watching these shows as a kid. That little brother grew up to be a bit of a genius who runs a million dollar web company now. Careful how you treat those siblings!

So there's no real point to this post except for rambling on and on about stuff that is so old news. But I liked it, so really it's new news to me!