Lack

I didn't know we were poor until it was pointed out to me, with sneer and disdainfully curled lip, topped with perfect blond curls and giant grosgrain bow, that I always wore the same dress to church. 

I didn't know we didn't have what others thought we needed because I had the wild woods, the endless Texas sky, a creek to dig toes in mud, and a library so full of everything I could ever want to read, (I wanted to make it so no one else could check out books and I would go A to Z and read them all.  If others checked out books, how would I know what I missed?), 6 playmates, logs and leaves and forts and trees, a lake and a flat bottom skiff and shiny brass hooks to catch those 'sucker fish' with, with the night crawlers dug from the leaf beds, where the long, tar-top driveway curved and ran to grandma's house.

I learned while my sister worked her first job to buy nicer things than my parents could afford so she would feel like she fit in.  And she permed her hair and her eye lids turned a shimmery blue to be like those other 90's teenagers.  I learned when the kids around me asked if I had worn those jeans yesterday.  I had.

I learned when I saw your house and realized that mine was different.  That there was a hole in the floor, where the only thing between me and the chickens underneath the trailer was a green shag carpet.  It bowed there and we jumped over that spot between the living room and the kitchen.  And the thought of you coming over and knowing that about me, made my insides roil like a nest of rattlesnakes. 
 
My three haven't learned.  And we haven't lacked.  Until now.  When the job goes and the money dwindles and the roil comes back.
.
I am gloriously grateful today that a trip to buy new Storm Trooper shoes for a gift is all the birthday he needs.  He hasn't discovered it yet.  The Lack.

And this I know to be true, even if I don't manage to live there, The Lack, no matter how much we have or buy or give or fill up with 'things' and people, it will never go away.  There will always be someone with more and will I compare or will I be content?  Will I envy Disney and nicer, bigger houses and vacations and fancy mini-vans?  Have I given the illusion that I have transcended the envy of 'stuff' but still envy bodies, and beauty and youth, and relationships and compare my inside to your outsides (and Facebook feed)?
Or will I close my eyes and find quiet in the lack?
Can I find quiet in the din of this noise in my head and this twisting roil of rattlesnakes, that's true name is Fear of being known and rejected?
Can I get by with filling my eyes with envy instead of the peace brought by the lack thereof?
Or can I live here? In the Lack?  And hand over my worries and fear and just be content?
Sweet Lord, I hope I can.

I like my limbs

Perhaps this is why I have an inexplicable mortal terror of sharks. Even PICTURES of sharks make my heart rate increase! So when I saw this photo, I was not amused. I could easily fit inside that shark and he'd never notice! I tried (and the geek tried too) to convince myself that it was photoshopped; that this could not be real. And yet, the photographer swears it is and has others like it from a marine biology study he was conducting. Yipe! I don't think that I'll ever get over my feelings about sharks, but I am trying. I looked at lots of pictures today and even touched the screen where the teeth were. (I know...it's a screen! It can't hurt me. Fear isn't logical! And no, sweet husband who is now clutching his chest in horror that I touched the screen, it was neither of yours)

I'm trying to process this photo and see these animals as not the giant killing machines I am afraid they are. It helps to laugh, so when I found this on I can has cheezburger? I felt a little better.

It also reminds me that I see the world as black and white. Things are either good or bad. Evil or kind. I apply that label to people, organizations, animals, and more. Today I am recognizing that the childlike attitudes I bring into adulthood keep me in a judgmental and fearful place. That being said, I still don't think I'd volunteer to be kayak captain in this photo, but today I'll try opening myself up to the idea that people can be just people, with faults and flaws and accepting them is part of my growth as a human.

Endless Web junk!

I am noticing that my life is messy, not just in person, but on the web. I keep getting invites to Facebook and I just can't face one more social networking site! I noticed I hadn't updated MySpace in ages yesterday and I am not overly concerned about it. I wish there was one place that would update them all. Or like, a secret email address that I could send mail to where a little web gnome would be my personal PR buddy and go into all of my sites and update them. I think others call those 'Interns,' but I don't have one right now. I love blogging here and as you can tell by my multiple blog posts per day (my neighbor says that my blog posts are far more steady when I am gainfully employed...she's right. I have more time to sit in front of a computer and type about the world, or my world in general. If I'm not at work, I am doing stuff at home). I have signed up for endless doo dads and sites and fun and am struggling to keep them all accounted for! I think I'm up to 6 or more emails. I need to purge my life of stuff and virtual stuff and make room for the things that matter the most. I think I've lost sight of those things.

Good morning, sun (son)...I am a bird

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it,
we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry.

~ Ben Folds Still Fighting It

God and Gandalf

vs
I'm sure I'm not the first to talk about this and I know I won't be the last, but indulge me a little if you will. Sunday night’s sermon sparked interesting conversations about how we see God. There seems to be several camps in our faith that can’t seem to reconcile themselves to one another.

The first can be best summed up in a T-shirt. ‘Jesus is my Homeboy.’ Meaning Jesus and God are more like good buddies, they show up when I need them to, they do what I ask, take care of me, the have my back if I’m in trouble etc. It’s a friendship really. I have respect for Him, but I do what I want. I’m not intimidated at all by my homeboy. It begins with teaching children

The second is God and Jesus as these inaccessible beings who can’t be touched, who we can’t be close to. “The wrath of God”, “the fear of God”, “fall on your face” in fear of God; these are all phrases that the church bandies about. I heard preached in many a good southern church growing up, ‘the fear of God.’ Some parents even say it just before the ‘whuppin’ starts, sometimes. “I’m gonna put the fear of God in you, girl/boy!” So God is this thing who is gonna take me out if I step out of line; this being of all power that I must and will fear.

This has caused much confusion for both me and the DH and was the subject of our discussion last night. Even though both of us, with our adult minds, know how we ‘should’ see God, when it really comes down to it, our subconscious acts out of one of these two mind sets. At least mine does, (I can’t speak for the DH.) As we were talking about all of this and where to find Grace in either of these two places, I thought of a movie. Yes, I have ADD, but that’s not the point.

There is a scene in the LoTR film – The Fellowship of the Ring, where Gandalf is in Bilbo’s house, trying to convince him, in a very kind way, that perhaps it’s best to leave the ring behind. The ring is obviously killing him. Bilbo says it himself that he ‘feels thin, stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread,’ and yet, he can’t imagine life without it, because it is also keeping him alive, for it’s own purposes. The ring has helped him out of a jam or two; it is his ace in the hole, really. Bilbo gets angry about having to leave the ring and turns on his friend. Then we get a small glimpse of who Gandalf truly is. His power expands so much that the house he stands in can’t hold it, groaning with the sheer magnitude of it.

Gandalf says ‘Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks. I’m not trying to rob you, I’m trying to help you.’ As he says the last phrase, his kind face and sad blue eyes come back into focus and instead of running from him, Bilbo runs to his arms.

For me, that is a good summation of God. He knows me, he loves me, but I have no concept of just how overwhelming and unfathomable he is, until I need to know. However, this glimpse of the glory of who he is, though it overwhelms me and causes me to be afraid at the sheer enormity of it, sends me running to His arms, not away from Him. I think of that Hubble photo called Pillars of Creation and am awed that the creator of that cares about me. Pretty Cool.