First 'Playdate' and other things

Cora (whom we have dubbed Baby Bear) and Elijah (AKA Eichelbaby) had a 'playdate' while the mamas talked. I can't get over it! He's only 6 weeks old, but look a the size difference!! WOW. I guess techically he is 10 weeks older since she was 5 weeks early and he was a week early.

IN other news, we spent the day at the ER for me with shortness of breath and wheezing. Oodles of tests later, my breastmilk (which still has not really come in yet) is radioactive for 24 hrs and must be 'pumped and dumped' as the tech put it so nicely. I tried the dark beer method of helping my milk supply last night and about a third of a way through it I remembered that alcohol and pain meds are a bad combo. Panicked, I called Poison Control and they said not to take any more for 6 hrs, and that I would feel very sleepy. But I started feeling short of breath last night and wheezy this morning so we went to the ER. After all that, I came home and there on the side of the bottle was a warning that taking too much of this med could result in breathing problems and in fact, the night before I had taken a dose too close to the other one. Hmmm... We laughed at the irony of it all. Sigh.

A wink and a spook

Jan brought by a little costume for Cora to wear for Halloween since we didn't expect to have a baby by Halloween! So here's a wink for ya and her 'I love my Mummy' outfit.

Cora Kathleen (part 2)

You'll forgive me if I'm a little distracted by this angel baby...So where was I, oh yes! On our way to the hospital on Tuesday morning!

So the Geek and I drove to the hospital and by this time it was nearly noon, him a little frazzled and me a little nervous because we had waited nearly 3 hours to head out. But we stopped for food for him since it would be a long day and I decided to eat too. (Yes, yes, I've heard this was stupid, but honestly I thought my labor would start on it's own and I'd need the energy since I planned to labor naturally thanks to my fabulous doctor)

We arrived and checked in and were ushered back to OB triage to confirm our story of 'water breaking.' I love how they don't believe you! A blue strip later and I was shuffled off to a Labor and Delivery room to get ready to deliver. Some monitoring later told them that I was not having any contractions and in fact, if my water was not broken, I'd be going back home! But since I had eaten at noon, we had to wait to begin inducing labor. Silly me.

Telling friends it has begun!

6pm -I got a chip of Cytotech to get my cervix to soften up - strapped in to monitors and belts and BP cuff.

Just a little bit of hormones

12am - Started on Pitocin drip and now can only go pee in a bedpan. Yick!
I was up and down all night and they kept losing the baby on the monitor and I was nearly being cut in half by the belts to keep the monitors on! Not a lot of sleep and I'm pretty upset that I am basically having the antithesis of my birth plan. I cried a lot and could not get comfy since every time I moved the lost the baby's hearbeat and every time I dozed off, the wretched blood pressure cuff goes off!

8am - I'm at 1 cm and my OB comes in and we talk about an internal monitor for both me and the babe, and with the addition of possibly the most amazing L&D nurse (Bonnie!), I actually get to labor much like I wanted to in my birth plan. Stand up, sit down, lie down, manage contractions with breathing and position. They check me periodically and I'm hopeful that all this labor is opening my cervix, but at 1pm I'm barely at 2cm.

1pm - I am open to an epidural at this point, but my doc is concerned that the baby isn't dropping at all after 5 hrs of hard labor. We discuss a C-Section and I am open to it, but scared too. Who wants to be cut open!? I think what scared me the most was I hadn't done any reading on it, and once I agreed to it, the flood of activity and people to get me ready was the human powered freight train! AND I'm still having contractions through all the shaving, consenting, prepping, cleaning up our room to move, putting in a new IV etc! I'm off to the OR before I know it and actually and having a contraction while the are doing the epidural which felt fast and furious. I cried and breathed as they held still so I wouldn't jerk around while the needle went in. The numbness was instant and I had to lie down fast. Needless to say, I was pretty shaken up by the time they let the Geek in. The anesthesiologist, Rhonda, was so kind wiping my tears away.

The Geek sat by my head, found my strapped down hand as I was pushed and pulled around. (inside me!) I heard the doc say, "Oh, that's why you wouldn't drop down!" then I heard the baby cry and saw her briefly as the Geek joined her at the warming bed. Pink and crying. A great sign. She was fine, just needed a little breathing treatment.

Fresh into the world

Mama and baby

Papa and baby

Family

As much as I whined and complained about how this (birthing process) wasn't what I wanted, God had a different idea. The chord was around her neck 3 times. If she had gotten too much bigger she would have dropped on her own and gone into distress and as a nurse friend of mine said, 'That is how you lose last trimester babies.' If she had been able to drop during all of my contractions, the same thing could have happened. Instead of an epidural C-Section, I would have had to have an emergency one and be put completely under. As it was, it was just as it should have been to give us the healthiest possible baby and healthiest me too.

The most beautiful girl I've ever seen!

So welcome to the world Cora Kathleen, born October 29th, 2008. 4lbs 10.5 oz, 17.5 inches long and a beautiful miraculous gift.

Check this link for more photos as the days go on! Baby Cora

Cora Kathleen (part 1)

Well. It's a bright beautiful October morning and we have a baby! She was due December 3rd, but I had a feeling we weren't gonna make it all the way to her due date anyway. Here's the story:

Monday I felt something shift and felt like something was different, but never having done this before, didn't think it was out of the ordinary. I figured it was from the yoga I had done that day. I had just had a baby shower on Saturday and a couple of the attendees noticed I was different from even Saturday.

Tuesday morning about 8:30 or so, I got up, had a little cranberry juice, went potty, and started my pre-natal yoga. I was just doing cat's breath when I felt like I peed my pants a little. My thoughts went like this:
Oh crap, I just peed my pants.
Oh crap, it's not stopping!
Oh crap, I gotta get to the bathroom!
Oh CRAP, this is my water breaking!

Then, very quickly, my brain started telling me all the things I needed to get done and organized and canceled before we went to the hospital. I was supposed to record background vocals for a friend that day at 11, so she was the first one I called. (In retrospect, that should have been the Geek, but I was on a roll!) The pets needed taking care of. The two people I was supposed to meet with from Craigslist on Wednesday to buy baby things from had to be called. I hadn't washed a stitch of baby clothes! We had no car seat to bring her home in!

So...I finally called the Geek and told him to come home, my water had broken. He rushed right home while I wrote a list of things I needed to take to the hospital and threw a load of of baby clothes in the washer. A shower, wait for the clothes to dry and off we went!

Blissfully on our way to the hospital! Little did we know...

To be continued...

Not as we planned...

My water broke at 9am. I am tying up loose ends and headed to the hospital. It's gonna be a long day! Prayers for her heath and a good labor. Thanks!! Contact info is on mattlovesariana dot com and we are delivering at Baptist Hospital.

Baby Shower...an explosion of pink

I'm very glad we found out what we were having. I love that I get to have girly clothes for my baby girl! Although I was forced to wear pink as a child (thanks Laura Ingalls Wilder!) my girl won't have to. She just can if she wants too.

I'm just gonna put the photos up. They speak for themselves. I do want to say that the best gift I got was, as I opened each present, the person giving told a funny story about me, or had a prayer or a wish for me, the Geek and our baby girl. It was the most encouraging time I have ever spent! I was nearly full to bursting with all of the love I heard from my dear friends yesterday. Thank you all! And now for photos:

Who's face is this?!!

The next post will be about my fabulous baby shower yesterday, but I just have to put this on here. My face has been taken over by this baby. I don't look like myself to me!! I noticed it very sharply in the shower photos that were taken. I'm just gonna put these pictures up for comparison and hope that my face goes back to normal!

November 2007. My birthday party. I have actually 'technically lost weight since this photo even though I am 13 lbs heavier in pregnancy.

October 2008. 8 1/2 months pregnant. Where have my eyes gone? My teeth no longer show when I smile? What kind of giant nose have I become possessed of? Seriously.

I keep mentioning this to the Geek and he keeps telling me I'm crazy and I look beautiful (which is awesome!). But here is photographic proof that I am different! I'm not imagining it! Thanks to all my sweet friends who keep telling me how FABULOUS I look. You are all so kind!

Neighborly love!

My neighbors came over and helped me do stuff last night! They moved brush to the curb and get this...washed my dog! That is far over and above the call of duty. Heck, even I hate it! I think she properly hair-ified their house. They replaced light bulbs, took out the recycling, put away dishes and laundry and all the little piddly things I keep meaning to get to. It was awesome! Thanks neighbors! I am so grateful!

As for me, I seriously have to crack the code of what is contributing to my physical pain. It's not just carpal tunnel any more. It feels more like arthritis with my knuckles swelling whenever I sleep. My knee gave out today while coming down the stairs and if the Geek hadn't been there I would have fallen. My feet have also joined in the fray with nerves going crazy for no reason and pain being a regular thing now. I actually dreamed last night that my mind was telling my body to surrender to the pain so I could get some rest. You know it's serious when my body parts start talking to each other! (I think it worked too. I stayed asleep for 4 hours which is the longest stretch I've managed for months) I think the homemade pizza with turkey pepperoni last night was a big factor. Too much sodium! I'm like a swollen toad today. Misery does not become me.

Let it all hang out...ie, perfect people are no fun

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine from church tonight. She shared a lot of things, but the thing I latched onto the most was this idea that people at church are 'perfect.' They look perfect, act perfect, speak perfectly and try to present that side of themselves as the only truth. And for someone who feels like they don't have it together, this can be pretty intimidating.

My response to her was this:
If I can be that good, why do I need a savior? I don't know about you, but I can't do it all right. I can't be that person. I mess up, I am rude, mean, dishonest, selfish and I yell at my husband (just for starters)! I'm not trying to be those things on purpose, but this is the nature of my broken and sick self. Not that I revel in it. I don't enjoy being a crappy person. In fact, I would like to take a magic pill so that everyone would like me, I'd never offend anyone, I'd be perfect and Godly, cool and wise. But until that pill exists (and I venture to say it never will) I'll just have to turn my days over to someone bigger than myself, trusting that he is doing something in my heart that I may not see, recognize, or understand, but that will turn out exactly as he planned for me. Not that I even do that very well!

Warm your tummy!

Mama made this while we were growing up. I still remember the sound of the spoon on the bottom of the pan as she heated the milk. I made it last night for the Geek who didn't grow up with this. He drank 2 cups!

Real Hot Cocoa

1/3 cup cocoa powder
1/2 cup sugar
4 cups milk

Mix powder and sugar together in a pan. Gradually add up to 1/4 of a cup of the milk, stirring regularly on medium heat until it is smooth and thick. Add the rest of the milk and stir until hot. Don't boil! Serve with marshmallows (or plain)!

Hershey's has this much more complicated recipe involving salt and vanilla, but just like this is just the right amount of sweet and is so good.

Simple things

Standing at the stove
Stirring the milk
With cocoa and sugar
Just like Mama made it

The whirring of metal on metal
Soothing sound of spoon on pan
Not too sweet, not to bitter
Hot cocoa in my hand

Cat curled up on the desk
Paw over nose to keep warm
Dog at my feet
Sleeping in a sunbeam

Baby girl inside
Squirms and squiggles back and forth
Playing imaginary piano
with tiny fingers

My hands don't have to hold it all
The world shrinks back into place
Glorious tiny moments
And joy in the simple things

Penny pinching pinches back

First, let me say thanks for all the encouraging words you guys have given me over the last coupla days. It has meant a lot to know I'm not alone and I am gonna make it. Thank you!

Second, I am trying to get my act together about money and saving more. Tons of people have talked about buying a Sunday paper and clipping coupons, so Monday I tried it. Here's the catch. For someone like me who rarely buys processed food, it doesn't really work. I usually buy the store brand of products so savings on Chef Boyardee does me no good! Plus the amount of sodium in those is enough to send my BP (blood pressure) through the roof! When the store brand is at least a dollar or more cheaper and the coupon is for 50 cents off...ummm, you do the math.

Still grocery store trips are still a big ticket item around here and I know it's about to get worse with diapers added on top. I already do what I can with managing our food. I write a food menu, stick to it at the store, have a few staples around, in case my day starts off like today did with not waking up until noon and my well laid plans for quiche get pitched out the window! (What the heck?! She must be having a growth spurt.) We buy the store brand toiletries as well, so not much chance to save there unless I get it for SUPER CHEAP. I am going to have to figure out the triple and double coupon days and see if they will do us any good.

In short, this is like a secret code for saving pennies and I have yet to crack it. With no coupons used from the paper, that's a dollar wasted. Rats!

Blog doesn't reflect life

I usually post the good and happy things here, but I am really struggling with life right now. Everything seems huge and nothing is in it's place. I am so frustrated by my lack of ability right now and the Geek is overwhelmed by all the things that need to get done that I've spent the last 4 and a half years of our marriage doing. Just daily things, not huge ones, but left alone, they become huge. Pet care, dishes, laundry, straightening, nursery to finish, broken couch (crappy rooms to go!!), piles of tree limbs in the yard, ever tightening budget. I am lucky I have hair left! And I can't fix any of it. I do half of the dishes and I need a nap!

People who have had children must be of a different breed than me, because I feel about a hair away from a nervous breakdown. I feel like curling up, crying, and saying, "I want my Mama!" In fact, I think I did that this morning for awhile. Stress and this body have never been a good combo and I ended up in the hospital again last night with strong, regular contractions. They filled me full of water (because crying a lot makes one dehydrated apparently), told me to go home and rest. HA! If they only knew my life right now. I have no faith for the moment, much less the day. Could you have some for me?

When in doubt...crochet your candidate!

Just got this in an email from Lionbrand yarn. It's just so wrong I had to post it! The email said...'Hold your own debate! Presidential candidate finger puppets! There are no words for how weird this is.

Obama

McCain

Just life...and then some.

My day today:

• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot , 8-10 hours (but minimal work for me!)
• About to start a new loaf in the breadmaker, 3 hours, but once again, minimal me work!
• Roasting a butternut squash in the oven. Some work, but SOOOOOOO worth it.
  
• Re-arranging the office (this could take DAYS). I got rid of the huge 'door as desk' operation and pared down to a small desk. Should help me manage mess level, but now all the gradoo from the shelves has to be gone through and reduced. See why it could take days?
  
• Purging my magazine collection. I always think I want hand-me-down magazines, but then the guilt of not reading them, and not wanting to waste any perfect recipes, tips, ideas etc, makes them stack up, taunting me. They are going in the recycling bin today. Goodbye Martha and Real Simple. I'll read you online. Less paper (and guilt) that way.
• Watching the bean shift her butt from side to side of me. It's starting to not hurt. I guess that means I finally stretched enough to fit her!
  
• A nap and a walk with the Geek.
  

Want one!

No idea what it is, or who makes it, but it's a GREEN BUBBLE CAR! How can one pass this up?

My potato needs soothing...

From here

See that twinkle in his eye?

How can I resist those blue eyes?! So handsome.

See where blue eyes get ya? Just kidding! Just another belly shot. This one from last week (32) too.

Can't...seem...to leave...recliner

I am so unmotivated this morning. Everything I'd like to do requires my hands and when touching something as soft as my Gizmo cat hurts, you know dishes or laundry fall further down the scale of 'actually doing this'. So I've been lumping around, sitting in the recliner and watching movies on Hulu and netflix. I think my brains have leaked out through my ears. That weird neurologist I saw when all this began (who's diagnosis was...you are pregnant! Shocker) wasn't kidding around when he waggled his index and middle fingers and thumbs at me proclaiming, 'I like to call these the fingers of Civilization!' I understand him now. I am totally uncivilized. Just a few more weeks. I can make it...I hope.

Witching Hour

I'm not sure if everyone has this while pregnant, but for me, 3am is the witching hour. If I'm lying in bed and can't get back to sleep because I'm either hungry, hurting from pinched nerves, have to pee (again), or am mysteriously no longer sleepy, you can bet your BOOTS that as soon as I locate my glasses in the dark and take a peek at the clock, it will be 3am. I've sworn again and again that if all I EVER see again at this hour is the backs of my eyelids, I'll be a happy camper, but I know that won't happen with a baby girl to nurse in the night. Still, it's just me and the cat. Freckles has better sense than to be up at this hour. I'll just sit here and watch my belly dance on it's own. Apparently she's up too. (Sorry, no videos this time. I don't feel like changing into less raggedy PJs and I'm not ABOUT to show off this ensemble) Note the time of post.

Goodbye Privets of DOOOOM

Our neighborhood group, of which about 30 people attend, planned a big work weekend at our house to help us get the house and yard in order before our baby girl decides to make her appearance on the outside. We had a small turnout (4 yesterday and 3 today - which I have to remember is not about me, but about how people want to spend their weekend), but it was insane how much brush they cut out of our yard! We wore out the neighbor's chainsaw (which we now have to repair) and the boys broke two sets of clippers (methinks they were exceeding the 1.5 inch diameter of branch rule) and resorted to the hacksaw and still made a huge dent. The 'SUPERHEDGE' of growth between us and the house next door that is for sale is gone, baby gone. The two Privet bushes of doom that were threatening the life of the Silver Maple are gone. We actually have a side yard instead of a breeding ground for more mosquitoes! Yesterday it seemed as if the porch had expanded from all the extra light and space around it.

Also accomplished by one brave soul (Erin!) who agreed to tackle this while the menfolk did more manly chainsawing, the nursery is Spackled, primed and ready for painting! We actually used much less primer than I thought we would. Two other gals (Rachel and Desiree!) from neighborhood group came by eariler this week and got the walls washed and sanded! Thanks gals! The Geek and I have a cute mural planned out and will get on that soon enough. I will draw it out and he'll paint! (Paint by numbers if you will)

Just for contrast, here's some before and...well...during photos until we figure out what to do with all the brush that won't fit in the alley!

before - you can't even see the right (as you face it) side of our house!!

During(ish) - there appears to be a...could it be?! A neighbor's house! Wow. We never even knew they were there! :)

As you can see, there is more hauling of brush to be done and we have not figured out where to put it, or if the Metro brush pickup will do a special pickup for us. If not, we are going to have to locate a truck or a hay trailer to borrow. Anyone got one? All in all, it's nice to have a yard. I love it! Thanks neighborhood group!

Who needs pesky lips and eyes...

I love it when people who don't speak English very well make products with English words on them! I'm sure we have our own language faux pas (is that one?) , but that would be why I don't wear shirts with french phrases on them (or have tattoos of characters I can't read!)

from here

It's a lolhouse out there!

In case you aren't in the know, the LOL empire is spreading. On lolcats you can link over to many other types of lols. Here's a little sample of the types of lols you can enjoy: (click on the pix to go to the site)

For Cat lovers:

For Dog Lovers:

For the celebrity follower:
Look-alike lovers!:
For Politicos:

And so much more. Whoever thought of this was stinkin' brilliant! AND according to this article here with the company founder for the lol empire Pet Holdings, the original I Can Has Cheezburger was sold for 2 MILLION DOLLARS, but I found this particularly amazing "The family of sites is generating 3.3 million daily page views, and around 5 million unique monthly visitors. Total revenue per page is north of $0.80, he (Ben Huh, the founder) says." That's a lot of dough for laughs. The two dudes who created this (a blogger in Hawaii and his partner) are chillin on the island with their smooth millions right now! Live it up fellas!

A sigh of relief

The Geek and I took a tour of the hospital we are giving birth in the other night and we came home thoroughly disappointed and frankly worried about our choice. It all seemed so 'chop change, chop change' to us. The more I heard about giving birth in this hospital, the less I wanted to give birth there! They seem to have this conveyor belt of baby birthing and I felt swept up in the frantic pace of it all. For example: all the test they'll need to run on her as soon as she's out, the rate of interventions, and all of the things they do there to make things run smoothly! The large postpartum rooms were a thing of the past which was a HUGE let down, since we had been so excited to give birth in a nice place. About 2 hours after delivery they move you to a MUCH smaller room and to us, they seemed a little dinky...ok VERY DARK AND SMALL after the grandeur of the big birthing suites.

I had a melt down about it all that night with tears and fears (a Bio-Chemical tantrum, as one daddy to be site put it - and this poor dad understands too) and taking it out on the Geek, who agreed with me, but was dealing with it in his own way which happens to be WAY less vocal than me. (I feel like I need to say I'm sorry for my craziness every day! I really am sorry honey, even though that doesn't make up for how I hurt you when I'm crazy. I want you there every minute of our delivery, even if you do it your own way.)

I called friends that night and talked about it, but really was not very reassured. I finally talked to a friend today who is both a mother and a nurse. She listened to everything I was freaking out about and then talked me through each thing. She had a lot of both technical and experiential knowledge, plus she knew me and knew I am not the Freaking out type, so she addressed my concerns as valid rather than giving me the 'you're just pregnant and crazy' line (WHICH I HATE!). Here's what she said:

1.The postpartum rooms were now smaller because they had a lot of trouble with the large birthing suites. Because they were so large, they could accommodate a lot of post birth visitors, (15-20!) and it interfered with the mother-baby bonding. Some mothers nearly had nervous breakdowns because they felt like they were never alone and never allowed to rest. Although I know I'm an extrovert, the 48 hours I'm in the hospital (some of which will be labor and delivery time) are not the time to have lots of friends come visit. It's a time to rest, recover, and be with the Geek and our baby girl. I can have friends visit later. PLUS, our due date is in the height of RSV season which can be dangerous for our little bean.

2. What was it I was needing that made me think I had to have lots of people around after the birth? We talked this through and it led me to some fears I have about differences in personality between the Geek and I. The Geek = introvert, recharges through time alone and quiet. The Musician = Extrovert, recharges through time with others. What happens when the Geek (24 hours or so into the process) needs to recharge? I'm on my own. At least that's what I tell myself, so I need others there. But really, I don't know how I'll be in that situation. Maybe I'll just need sleep! Maybe I'll be enamored by my little girl and not want anyone else around! Maybe I can talk to the nurses, or lactation consultant, or pediatrician (they'll all be around)! Maybe I can let go of trying to control how the Geek will be and just let him have his own labor experience too. It helped to hear about her hubby (a GREAT guy and Father) who stuck by her for every moment of the first delivery (which he realized he could not do again without risking his mental health), fell asleep during her 2nd delivery and for her 3rd went home to sleep in his own bed! (after the baby was born, of course) It's just what HE needed to do. She wasn't thrilled about it all, but he needed to take care of himself. I forget that part. I'm the center of the universe, aren't I?

3. All these natural birth books, while great, neglect to remind the mother to be that birth, in the rest of the world, is still a harrowing and dangerous experience for women and sometimes the natural approach just wont work without serious risk to mother and baby. On her recent two week trip to Ghana, two babies died under the care of midwives and the two mothers almost died. It may be natural, normal and common, but it's exhausting, intense and sometimes (even in our medically advanced country) a dangerous experience. I get caught up in the natural side of it and forget that while I don't need to be afraid, I need to be ready to give up my ideals about what I want if it means putting me or her at risk.

4. To grieve the fact that it won't be all I have dreamed up in my head with my mama and husband there and everything all peaceful and natural. They may not have the capacity to be there for me like that, and that's OK. Even if I don't like it, it's still OK and I'm allowed to be sad for awhile. It's amazing how it all comes back to accepting what I'm given and finding joy in it.

I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I was heard, I was comforted, I was understood and in the end, it's about more than just what I think I want. Thanks H-, for all your wisdom.

PS. Sorry if this has become a 'pregnancy blog.' It's just what is on the forefront of my thoughts these days! I'm sure more will come into my head later.

The Mommy club

I spent time with a new mama recently and we had lots of fun talking about giving birth and stuff. It's nice to be able to talk about things that would normally gross out the population at large, but are nevertheless a normal part of one's day. (Ex. Rectal pressure...told you it would gross you out. Where do you think that baby goes? Not just out, but down and there are a lot of other things inside me besides baby! Organs, for example)

I very much want all of this to be normal and natural without intervention, but I also realize that what will be, will be and if we both come out on the other side, THAT is the goal. I have found that mommy friends are more willing to spend time hanging out, (or perhaps I have time to pursue them now that I'm at home) and all of them have such wisdom to pass along!

It also gives us something in common. Beth put it so well when we were talking about friends with kids wondering when their friends without kids are going to have kids. She said basically 'I don't understand your life anymore and I want you to have kids so we have something to talk about now...like poopy diapers!' I thought that was hilarious, but nonetheless, true. We all want common ground to stand on with the people around us. It's what helps us relate! Funny, we talked about this in neighborhood group this past week, but in terms of reconciliation with others. Hmmm. Is there a theme?

Eat your way through the Greatest State

I'm thinking of my friend over at Beyond the Fried who cooks for a Texan when I post this. Plus, it makes me think of home too. Check it out!

The Homesick Texan

Insides to outsides

There is some wisdom I have picked up along the way in this crazy journey and here is the sum of it for me today:

I compare what is inside me to what I see on the outside of others.

For example: I read their blog and think...they have the perfect life! What is wrong with me? Why is everyone else happy/contented/traveling/wealthy/married to the perfect man/skinny (or at least not worried about it)/beautiful all the time? I go to church and see the perfect smiling scrubbed faces of all those college students (when did we become the 'cool' church? Ick.) in their rock star clothes and perfect hair and I sometimes can't help but think that I'm the only one in the room that wakes up frumpy/grumpy/fat/discontent/broke/sad/pimple faced/and stuck in the US for years!

My head tells me it's not true and I'm only seeing as deep into them as they are allowing me, but the facts don't sink down any further (to the heart level) and I become discontent and resentful. When my sweet husband (who puts up with WAAAAY more than the average bear) doesn't act like I want him to, or magically read my mind to know what I want, I let him have it! To be honest, he alone bears the brunt of my grumpies. I don't really take out my grumpiness on anyone else. I don't think they'd take it and still be my friend. The Geek, on the other hand, would have to shell out a lot of dough to get away from me permanently, and still, we'd have a baby girl to bind us. That is a sad statement and in it, I see how much I take him for granted. I have been working very hard on this part of me, but still, it's there and still he bears the brunt of my malcontent. I'm so very sorry, honey!

For today, when I feel like everyone else is more connected to the earth, more beautiful, more content, more spiritual, more talented, more EVERYTHING than me, I'll remind myself that that is my personal way of finding myself lacking and giving myself an excuse to do whatever I want, no matter how destructive it is. So for today, I can hand this over to someone whose hands are bigger than mine and just accept where I am today, rejoicing in all of your accomplishments and joys. I do, after all, have amazing friends.

By the way, I am back publishing all of the posts I've started, but not finished for whatever reason. Some are important thoughts that I stalled out on, some are just little silly things. I'll list them at the bottom of each days post as I finish them. Here's one!
Dreaming

Hands, Come back!

I am so anxious to knit!! The weather is perfect, I have lots of patterns I'd like to do, but OH my hands (lack of feeling in them) continue to plague me! Think of the baby things I could be making RIGHT NOW! Oh, I could cry. I could press on and do it, but ONE minute with the needles and I'm in pain and things only get worse from there. If I don't stop, then it progresses and the shooting pain becomes so bad it keeps me up all night. So instead I'm going to post all the things I WILL be knitting when she gets here. Poor girl, born into the world in DECEMBER with no snuggly knits to wear. Where is Gramma when you need her? Oh right. She doesn't knit. But enough griping! On to cuteness!

I'll do this for her (minus the floofy stuff)

from here

I think her room needs this too:

from here but perhaps in greens, browns, greys and pinks. Whaddya think?

This for when she's a little bigger:

from here

These (could you just die!)

From here

This (for me) just because:

from here

Isn't THIS cute! I'm not sure about the pink.

From here

How about these for her AND me to keep our toes toasty?

from here

There's just so much I'd like to be doing right now. It's my way of having to learn patience right? I'm trying.

Oh, and these...

from here

Sunny Semi-Fall day claims another two victims

The Geek and I have to go snuggle and sleep. Too much stuff went on today! Supporting Race for the Cure - Breast Cancer race...(the Geek wore a pink boa and lost his voice cheering the runners), supporting friends at their groovy shop (Ghia had a great day at the Festival of Cultures!), meeting a friend to pick up a fancy camera with which to shoot my OWN maternity photos. Yes, it will be a feat, but we are broke and no one else can do it for me right now. Now to snuggle and watch a Harry Potter movie and fall asleep WAY too early, exhausted by the day. I need to take more photos, but am not really liking my point and shoot right now.

Happy birthday Mama!

Mama at my brother's wedding, 2006

See this gorgeous gal? It's my mama, Woodie. AND, today is her birthday. This woman is amazing and I'm only beginning to realize just how amazing she is. Here are some small highlights of her life:

• Graduated high school at 16, 'cause she was SO smart
• Got kicked out of college for participating in Civil Rights marches (how fricking cool is that!)
  
• Birthed (without drugs, except for the last one who was 11 lbs and breach) 7 children
• Has stayed married, no matter what life brought for nearly 37 years now!
• Lived in foreign countries for 8 years (and made 4 babies there) sharing her faith with others
• Put up with the insanity of a house full of kids and loved us well
• Decided in her 50's to finish her college degree and get her Masters
• Fabulous Mother and Friend to me (and I'm sure many others...although maybe not the mother part)
• Is turning 61 today.
  

I wish I had more photos of her when she was young, but alas, they were all destroyed when she was out of the country. But her legacy lives inside her, not in the photos I have. She is one helluva woman and I love her.

Mama, Papa and my oldest sister 1974 (weren't they groovy?)

Happy Birthday Mama!

Chilly!

Finally the Summer heat has given way to cooler Fall weather. It's about time! A favorite blogger of mine has been writing that it's wool sock weather where she lives! Of course, that is Maine, but just the same, I'd like my share of the toasty warm sock wearing weather.

Aside: (like in Shakespeare) In case you haven't heard, wool socks are my secret boyfriend, a term I bestow upon inanimate objects that make me happy. I'm serious! Check out my amazon wish list!! It's full of SmartWool socks. No lie, and knitting books, music, and other books I'd like. This is Not a birthday plug, I promise. I just really have a thing for wool socks, (SOOO much warmer than cotton) although I have yet to knit a pair. I like mine with more stretch than I am capable of producing...but I digress.

Fall weather makes me very happy. I love sweaters, but this is really the only time I get to wear them. Before too much longer, people start cranking the furnaces up and when I go into a house or a building, it is usually so warm that I have to dress in layers and am down to the lowest level (aside from bra!) soon after I get there because 1. I'm hot natured anyway and 2. I am currently equipped with my own onboard heater!

Here's my current favorite snuggly sweater.

Please ignore my serious lack of maternity jeans. These are just my regular xtra big ones!

Yesterday I went to our local natural market's fall fest and wouldn't you know it, forgot my camera! Rats. Several friends were there with their wee ones and we spent time talking while the children ran around. It was so cool and fresh. There was a mini petting zoo which included a Llama, sheep, goats, a calf, bunnies, ducks, and chickens. I'm not overly thrilled by the prospect of petting farm animals, just because I don't find sheep and goats to be that cuddly and while I was near it, the calf took a leak. Hmmm. Un-savory. The bunnies I could handle, the ducks ran away from ALL the children and having grown up with chickens, I can't imagine why anyone would want to pet them. I think we caught lice from them one time as kids (chicken feathers as hair decoration)...special! I wish I could share all those little faces and animals in the late afternoon sunlight, giggling and squealing, chasing animals and timidly reaching out a hand to touch them and then quickly pulling back, but it has to stay inside my head, alas.

I like this whole stay at home (soon to be) mom thing. It means I get more time with friends. I had such sweet conversations with all of those gals yesterday. I wish I could bottle that kind of afternoon and drink it on rainy days.

Life comes out in neat circles...even if a smidge depressing

And in a German accent


found this here

If I only blogged my dreams

If my dreams were all I put up here, some days it would be a helluva read. For example.

Last night, I dreamed I was trying to get a part time job at Burger King, not a real burger king, but the kind that was a storefront, so only one fry basket and a small grill. Apparently a friend of mine from college, whom we called Del Fuego (because her last name was Del Figlio and...well, it was college and we thought we were clever) worked there and she was trying to get me hired. SO I worked a whole day and then no one ever told me to come back, but they gave me a uniform (of sorts) or tried to. There was a room full of second hand jeans and two moms were passing out the size we needed, we just had to tell them. I told them my size but that it had to be maternity. They just stared at me. Then the owner came in and wanted a conduit run so his daughter could get burgers in her bedroom. Still no word about whether I worked there or not. Then, me in my street clothes and untrained was made to stand at the front of the store while the customers piled up. When I went to ask what I should do, they said, "Nothing. You aren't trained yet." A bunch of them were lying on their stomachs in the break room, coloring (with crayons). SO I just stood there and oddly enough so did the patrons. No one got mad, they just stared at me.

Then my friend came in like she had the best news in the world, bouncing! I got the job and I start right now and my shifts would be 12 hours. I mentioned I was pregnant and she was shocked. (you saw the pics right? There doesn't seem to be much question left as to my state) She said she didn't know! I asked what she thought this big belly was and she blushed and said she thought I'd just put on weight since college. (Sigh)

My first job was to transport used uniforms to be cleaned. However, when I opened the bag, there were two bandannas, one orange and one green which had money in them and a note for me saying I should keep my mouth shut and here was a little bribe money, and oddly enough some jewelry components in an envelope for me if I didn't say anything. The bandannas were color coded to the GANG they belonged to and I was supposed to be their mule for the stuff. Before I could transport it or even decide if I wanted to be a mule, a knock at the door came. Two thugs were there and one had a gun in his hand. They politely asked me to open the door. I refused and before shooting could break out, I heard a beep. Then another, then several...then I opened my eyes to my sweet Geek's drooling face about 6 inches from my own and his alarm (which only ever wakes ME up) going off.

Some days I wish I could record these dreams because, unlike the one above, some are like MOVIES! When the Geek and I first got married I had to catch up on all the Stargate episodes so we could watch them with friends and I wouldn't be lost or have to have things explained to me during the current episodes. Three per night and I was dreaming more at night! I coulda been a great writer for that show.