Let it all hang out...ie, perfect people are no fun

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine from church tonight. She shared a lot of things, but the thing I latched onto the most was this idea that people at church are 'perfect.' They look perfect, act perfect, speak perfectly and try to present that side of themselves as the only truth. And for someone who feels like they don't have it together, this can be pretty intimidating.

My response to her was this:
If I can be that good, why do I need a savior? I don't know about you, but I can't do it all right. I can't be that person. I mess up, I am rude, mean, dishonest, selfish and I yell at my husband (just for starters)! I'm not trying to be those things on purpose, but this is the nature of my broken and sick self. Not that I revel in it. I don't enjoy being a crappy person. In fact, I would like to take a magic pill so that everyone would like me, I'd never offend anyone, I'd be perfect and Godly, cool and wise. But until that pill exists (and I venture to say it never will) I'll just have to turn my days over to someone bigger than myself, trusting that he is doing something in my heart that I may not see, recognize, or understand, but that will turn out exactly as he planned for me. Not that I even do that very well!

Warm your tummy!

Mama made this while we were growing up. I still remember the sound of the spoon on the bottom of the pan as she heated the milk. I made it last night for the Geek who didn't grow up with this. He drank 2 cups!

Real Hot Cocoa

1/3 cup cocoa powder
1/2 cup sugar
4 cups milk

Mix powder and sugar together in a pan. Gradually add up to 1/4 of a cup of the milk, stirring regularly on medium heat until it is smooth and thick. Add the rest of the milk and stir until hot. Don't boil! Serve with marshmallows (or plain)!

Hershey's has this much more complicated recipe involving salt and vanilla, but just like this is just the right amount of sweet and is so good.

Simple things

Standing at the stove
Stirring the milk
With cocoa and sugar
Just like Mama made it

The whirring of metal on metal
Soothing sound of spoon on pan
Not too sweet, not to bitter
Hot cocoa in my hand

Cat curled up on the desk
Paw over nose to keep warm
Dog at my feet
Sleeping in a sunbeam

Baby girl inside
Squirms and squiggles back and forth
Playing imaginary piano
with tiny fingers

My hands don't have to hold it all
The world shrinks back into place
Glorious tiny moments
And joy in the simple things

Penny pinching pinches back

First, let me say thanks for all the encouraging words you guys have given me over the last coupla days. It has meant a lot to know I'm not alone and I am gonna make it. Thank you!

Second, I am trying to get my act together about money and saving more. Tons of people have talked about buying a Sunday paper and clipping coupons, so Monday I tried it. Here's the catch. For someone like me who rarely buys processed food, it doesn't really work. I usually buy the store brand of products so savings on Chef Boyardee does me no good! Plus the amount of sodium in those is enough to send my BP (blood pressure) through the roof! When the store brand is at least a dollar or more cheaper and the coupon is for 50 cents off...ummm, you do the math.

Still grocery store trips are still a big ticket item around here and I know it's about to get worse with diapers added on top. I already do what I can with managing our food. I write a food menu, stick to it at the store, have a few staples around, in case my day starts off like today did with not waking up until noon and my well laid plans for quiche get pitched out the window! (What the heck?! She must be having a growth spurt.) We buy the store brand toiletries as well, so not much chance to save there unless I get it for SUPER CHEAP. I am going to have to figure out the triple and double coupon days and see if they will do us any good.

In short, this is like a secret code for saving pennies and I have yet to crack it. With no coupons used from the paper, that's a dollar wasted. Rats!

Blog doesn't reflect life

I usually post the good and happy things here, but I am really struggling with life right now. Everything seems huge and nothing is in it's place. I am so frustrated by my lack of ability right now and the Geek is overwhelmed by all the things that need to get done that I've spent the last 4 and a half years of our marriage doing. Just daily things, not huge ones, but left alone, they become huge. Pet care, dishes, laundry, straightening, nursery to finish, broken couch (crappy rooms to go!!), piles of tree limbs in the yard, ever tightening budget. I am lucky I have hair left! And I can't fix any of it. I do half of the dishes and I need a nap!

People who have had children must be of a different breed than me, because I feel about a hair away from a nervous breakdown. I feel like curling up, crying, and saying, "I want my Mama!" In fact, I think I did that this morning for awhile. Stress and this body have never been a good combo and I ended up in the hospital again last night with strong, regular contractions. They filled me full of water (because crying a lot makes one dehydrated apparently), told me to go home and rest. HA! If they only knew my life right now. I have no faith for the moment, much less the day. Could you have some for me?

When in doubt...crochet your candidate!

Just got this in an email from Lionbrand yarn. It's just so wrong I had to post it! The email said...'Hold your own debate! Presidential candidate finger puppets! There are no words for how weird this is.

Obama

McCain

Just life...and then some.

My day today:

• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot , 8-10 hours (but minimal work for me!)
• About to start a new loaf in the breadmaker, 3 hours, but once again, minimal me work!
• Roasting a butternut squash in the oven. Some work, but SOOOOOOO worth it.
  
• Re-arranging the office (this could take DAYS). I got rid of the huge 'door as desk' operation and pared down to a small desk. Should help me manage mess level, but now all the gradoo from the shelves has to be gone through and reduced. See why it could take days?
  
• Purging my magazine collection. I always think I want hand-me-down magazines, but then the guilt of not reading them, and not wanting to waste any perfect recipes, tips, ideas etc, makes them stack up, taunting me. They are going in the recycling bin today. Goodbye Martha and Real Simple. I'll read you online. Less paper (and guilt) that way.
• Watching the bean shift her butt from side to side of me. It's starting to not hurt. I guess that means I finally stretched enough to fit her!
  
• A nap and a walk with the Geek.
  

Want one!

No idea what it is, or who makes it, but it's a GREEN BUBBLE CAR! How can one pass this up?

My potato needs soothing...

From here

See that twinkle in his eye?

How can I resist those blue eyes?! So handsome.

See where blue eyes get ya? Just kidding! Just another belly shot. This one from last week (32) too.

Can't...seem...to leave...recliner

I am so unmotivated this morning. Everything I'd like to do requires my hands and when touching something as soft as my Gizmo cat hurts, you know dishes or laundry fall further down the scale of 'actually doing this'. So I've been lumping around, sitting in the recliner and watching movies on Hulu and netflix. I think my brains have leaked out through my ears. That weird neurologist I saw when all this began (who's diagnosis was...you are pregnant! Shocker) wasn't kidding around when he waggled his index and middle fingers and thumbs at me proclaiming, 'I like to call these the fingers of Civilization!' I understand him now. I am totally uncivilized. Just a few more weeks. I can make it...I hope.

Witching Hour

I'm not sure if everyone has this while pregnant, but for me, 3am is the witching hour. If I'm lying in bed and can't get back to sleep because I'm either hungry, hurting from pinched nerves, have to pee (again), or am mysteriously no longer sleepy, you can bet your BOOTS that as soon as I locate my glasses in the dark and take a peek at the clock, it will be 3am. I've sworn again and again that if all I EVER see again at this hour is the backs of my eyelids, I'll be a happy camper, but I know that won't happen with a baby girl to nurse in the night. Still, it's just me and the cat. Freckles has better sense than to be up at this hour. I'll just sit here and watch my belly dance on it's own. Apparently she's up too. (Sorry, no videos this time. I don't feel like changing into less raggedy PJs and I'm not ABOUT to show off this ensemble) Note the time of post.

Goodbye Privets of DOOOOM

Our neighborhood group, of which about 30 people attend, planned a big work weekend at our house to help us get the house and yard in order before our baby girl decides to make her appearance on the outside. We had a small turnout (4 yesterday and 3 today - which I have to remember is not about me, but about how people want to spend their weekend), but it was insane how much brush they cut out of our yard! We wore out the neighbor's chainsaw (which we now have to repair) and the boys broke two sets of clippers (methinks they were exceeding the 1.5 inch diameter of branch rule) and resorted to the hacksaw and still made a huge dent. The 'SUPERHEDGE' of growth between us and the house next door that is for sale is gone, baby gone. The two Privet bushes of doom that were threatening the life of the Silver Maple are gone. We actually have a side yard instead of a breeding ground for more mosquitoes! Yesterday it seemed as if the porch had expanded from all the extra light and space around it.

Also accomplished by one brave soul (Erin!) who agreed to tackle this while the menfolk did more manly chainsawing, the nursery is Spackled, primed and ready for painting! We actually used much less primer than I thought we would. Two other gals (Rachel and Desiree!) from neighborhood group came by eariler this week and got the walls washed and sanded! Thanks gals! The Geek and I have a cute mural planned out and will get on that soon enough. I will draw it out and he'll paint! (Paint by numbers if you will)

Just for contrast, here's some before and...well...during photos until we figure out what to do with all the brush that won't fit in the alley!

before - you can't even see the right (as you face it) side of our house!!

During(ish) - there appears to be a...could it be?! A neighbor's house! Wow. We never even knew they were there! :)

As you can see, there is more hauling of brush to be done and we have not figured out where to put it, or if the Metro brush pickup will do a special pickup for us. If not, we are going to have to locate a truck or a hay trailer to borrow. Anyone got one? All in all, it's nice to have a yard. I love it! Thanks neighborhood group!

Who needs pesky lips and eyes...

I love it when people who don't speak English very well make products with English words on them! I'm sure we have our own language faux pas (is that one?) , but that would be why I don't wear shirts with french phrases on them (or have tattoos of characters I can't read!)

from here

It's a lolhouse out there!

In case you aren't in the know, the LOL empire is spreading. On lolcats you can link over to many other types of lols. Here's a little sample of the types of lols you can enjoy: (click on the pix to go to the site)

For Cat lovers:

For Dog Lovers:

For the celebrity follower:
Look-alike lovers!:
For Politicos:

And so much more. Whoever thought of this was stinkin' brilliant! AND according to this article here with the company founder for the lol empire Pet Holdings, the original I Can Has Cheezburger was sold for 2 MILLION DOLLARS, but I found this particularly amazing "The family of sites is generating 3.3 million daily page views, and around 5 million unique monthly visitors. Total revenue per page is north of $0.80, he (Ben Huh, the founder) says." That's a lot of dough for laughs. The two dudes who created this (a blogger in Hawaii and his partner) are chillin on the island with their smooth millions right now! Live it up fellas!

A sigh of relief

The Geek and I took a tour of the hospital we are giving birth in the other night and we came home thoroughly disappointed and frankly worried about our choice. It all seemed so 'chop change, chop change' to us. The more I heard about giving birth in this hospital, the less I wanted to give birth there! They seem to have this conveyor belt of baby birthing and I felt swept up in the frantic pace of it all. For example: all the test they'll need to run on her as soon as she's out, the rate of interventions, and all of the things they do there to make things run smoothly! The large postpartum rooms were a thing of the past which was a HUGE let down, since we had been so excited to give birth in a nice place. About 2 hours after delivery they move you to a MUCH smaller room and to us, they seemed a little dinky...ok VERY DARK AND SMALL after the grandeur of the big birthing suites.

I had a melt down about it all that night with tears and fears (a Bio-Chemical tantrum, as one daddy to be site put it - and this poor dad understands too) and taking it out on the Geek, who agreed with me, but was dealing with it in his own way which happens to be WAY less vocal than me. (I feel like I need to say I'm sorry for my craziness every day! I really am sorry honey, even though that doesn't make up for how I hurt you when I'm crazy. I want you there every minute of our delivery, even if you do it your own way.)

I called friends that night and talked about it, but really was not very reassured. I finally talked to a friend today who is both a mother and a nurse. She listened to everything I was freaking out about and then talked me through each thing. She had a lot of both technical and experiential knowledge, plus she knew me and knew I am not the Freaking out type, so she addressed my concerns as valid rather than giving me the 'you're just pregnant and crazy' line (WHICH I HATE!). Here's what she said:

1.The postpartum rooms were now smaller because they had a lot of trouble with the large birthing suites. Because they were so large, they could accommodate a lot of post birth visitors, (15-20!) and it interfered with the mother-baby bonding. Some mothers nearly had nervous breakdowns because they felt like they were never alone and never allowed to rest. Although I know I'm an extrovert, the 48 hours I'm in the hospital (some of which will be labor and delivery time) are not the time to have lots of friends come visit. It's a time to rest, recover, and be with the Geek and our baby girl. I can have friends visit later. PLUS, our due date is in the height of RSV season which can be dangerous for our little bean.

2. What was it I was needing that made me think I had to have lots of people around after the birth? We talked this through and it led me to some fears I have about differences in personality between the Geek and I. The Geek = introvert, recharges through time alone and quiet. The Musician = Extrovert, recharges through time with others. What happens when the Geek (24 hours or so into the process) needs to recharge? I'm on my own. At least that's what I tell myself, so I need others there. But really, I don't know how I'll be in that situation. Maybe I'll just need sleep! Maybe I'll be enamored by my little girl and not want anyone else around! Maybe I can talk to the nurses, or lactation consultant, or pediatrician (they'll all be around)! Maybe I can let go of trying to control how the Geek will be and just let him have his own labor experience too. It helped to hear about her hubby (a GREAT guy and Father) who stuck by her for every moment of the first delivery (which he realized he could not do again without risking his mental health), fell asleep during her 2nd delivery and for her 3rd went home to sleep in his own bed! (after the baby was born, of course) It's just what HE needed to do. She wasn't thrilled about it all, but he needed to take care of himself. I forget that part. I'm the center of the universe, aren't I?

3. All these natural birth books, while great, neglect to remind the mother to be that birth, in the rest of the world, is still a harrowing and dangerous experience for women and sometimes the natural approach just wont work without serious risk to mother and baby. On her recent two week trip to Ghana, two babies died under the care of midwives and the two mothers almost died. It may be natural, normal and common, but it's exhausting, intense and sometimes (even in our medically advanced country) a dangerous experience. I get caught up in the natural side of it and forget that while I don't need to be afraid, I need to be ready to give up my ideals about what I want if it means putting me or her at risk.

4. To grieve the fact that it won't be all I have dreamed up in my head with my mama and husband there and everything all peaceful and natural. They may not have the capacity to be there for me like that, and that's OK. Even if I don't like it, it's still OK and I'm allowed to be sad for awhile. It's amazing how it all comes back to accepting what I'm given and finding joy in it.

I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I was heard, I was comforted, I was understood and in the end, it's about more than just what I think I want. Thanks H-, for all your wisdom.

PS. Sorry if this has become a 'pregnancy blog.' It's just what is on the forefront of my thoughts these days! I'm sure more will come into my head later.

The Mommy club

I spent time with a new mama recently and we had lots of fun talking about giving birth and stuff. It's nice to be able to talk about things that would normally gross out the population at large, but are nevertheless a normal part of one's day. (Ex. Rectal pressure...told you it would gross you out. Where do you think that baby goes? Not just out, but down and there are a lot of other things inside me besides baby! Organs, for example)

I very much want all of this to be normal and natural without intervention, but I also realize that what will be, will be and if we both come out on the other side, THAT is the goal. I have found that mommy friends are more willing to spend time hanging out, (or perhaps I have time to pursue them now that I'm at home) and all of them have such wisdom to pass along!

It also gives us something in common. Beth put it so well when we were talking about friends with kids wondering when their friends without kids are going to have kids. She said basically 'I don't understand your life anymore and I want you to have kids so we have something to talk about now...like poopy diapers!' I thought that was hilarious, but nonetheless, true. We all want common ground to stand on with the people around us. It's what helps us relate! Funny, we talked about this in neighborhood group this past week, but in terms of reconciliation with others. Hmmm. Is there a theme?

Eat your way through the Greatest State

I'm thinking of my friend over at Beyond the Fried who cooks for a Texan when I post this. Plus, it makes me think of home too. Check it out!

The Homesick Texan

Insides to outsides

There is some wisdom I have picked up along the way in this crazy journey and here is the sum of it for me today:

I compare what is inside me to what I see on the outside of others.

For example: I read their blog and think...they have the perfect life! What is wrong with me? Why is everyone else happy/contented/traveling/wealthy/married to the perfect man/skinny (or at least not worried about it)/beautiful all the time? I go to church and see the perfect smiling scrubbed faces of all those college students (when did we become the 'cool' church? Ick.) in their rock star clothes and perfect hair and I sometimes can't help but think that I'm the only one in the room that wakes up frumpy/grumpy/fat/discontent/broke/sad/pimple faced/and stuck in the US for years!

My head tells me it's not true and I'm only seeing as deep into them as they are allowing me, but the facts don't sink down any further (to the heart level) and I become discontent and resentful. When my sweet husband (who puts up with WAAAAY more than the average bear) doesn't act like I want him to, or magically read my mind to know what I want, I let him have it! To be honest, he alone bears the brunt of my grumpies. I don't really take out my grumpiness on anyone else. I don't think they'd take it and still be my friend. The Geek, on the other hand, would have to shell out a lot of dough to get away from me permanently, and still, we'd have a baby girl to bind us. That is a sad statement and in it, I see how much I take him for granted. I have been working very hard on this part of me, but still, it's there and still he bears the brunt of my malcontent. I'm so very sorry, honey!

For today, when I feel like everyone else is more connected to the earth, more beautiful, more content, more spiritual, more talented, more EVERYTHING than me, I'll remind myself that that is my personal way of finding myself lacking and giving myself an excuse to do whatever I want, no matter how destructive it is. So for today, I can hand this over to someone whose hands are bigger than mine and just accept where I am today, rejoicing in all of your accomplishments and joys. I do, after all, have amazing friends.

By the way, I am back publishing all of the posts I've started, but not finished for whatever reason. Some are important thoughts that I stalled out on, some are just little silly things. I'll list them at the bottom of each days post as I finish them. Here's one!
Dreaming

Hands, Come back!

I am so anxious to knit!! The weather is perfect, I have lots of patterns I'd like to do, but OH my hands (lack of feeling in them) continue to plague me! Think of the baby things I could be making RIGHT NOW! Oh, I could cry. I could press on and do it, but ONE minute with the needles and I'm in pain and things only get worse from there. If I don't stop, then it progresses and the shooting pain becomes so bad it keeps me up all night. So instead I'm going to post all the things I WILL be knitting when she gets here. Poor girl, born into the world in DECEMBER with no snuggly knits to wear. Where is Gramma when you need her? Oh right. She doesn't knit. But enough griping! On to cuteness!

I'll do this for her (minus the floofy stuff)

from here

I think her room needs this too:

from here but perhaps in greens, browns, greys and pinks. Whaddya think?

This for when she's a little bigger:

from here

These (could you just die!)

From here

This (for me) just because:

from here

Isn't THIS cute! I'm not sure about the pink.

From here

How about these for her AND me to keep our toes toasty?

from here

There's just so much I'd like to be doing right now. It's my way of having to learn patience right? I'm trying.

Oh, and these...

from here