No waiting

I was with some friends last night and they were talking about the process of waiting, which I suck at, BTW. One of the gals shared this quote:

"We don't wait for life to become perfect to begin to live it fully."

I'm not sure where she heard it, or what it was from, but brought the table to a quite moment as Peter, the other ponderer, and I scribbled that furiously in our little notebooks. I have been thinking how much I wait for "someday", when really this is the moment I am supposed to be in. My list goes like this...if only I were ____________ (thinner, smarter, richer, funnier, braver, quieter etc ad nauseum!) or if only I had ____________ (money, a new car, more of whatever)

This whole experience of having to wait for the little bean to make an appearance is strange for me. I forget it's happening and then a plate of eggs just a slight bit too runny flip my stomach over and the thought is back in my face!

Over the last few years, there have been many times where I thought I had the answer to things; that I knew just where to go and what to do, and then the reply (when I thought to slow down and ask - usually when things got out of hand) was to wait. I hate waiting. (so does Indigo Montoya, but that's another story) Actually, in hindsight, had I pushed ahead with what I thought the answer was, or SHOULD be, my life would be very different right now and I don't think for the better. There were so many things that I had to learn the hard way, just like always, and there were so many things that have been hard, but staying in them was the right answer, even though it felt painful.

The geek and I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary together last week. We went to the restaurant where we ate on our very first date (then unofficial) SATCo, if you must know. Then, as per our tradition, we found a photo booth and took silly pictures. You know, those kind all in a strip that you used to do with your friends when you were in Jr. High and you weren't too cool to roll up your tongue and make a pig nose? Yup. Those. So far we've taken one each year but our first. We didn't have the idea then. But had I done my relationship with my geek like I've done every relationship in the past, I wouldn't be in those photos with him (nor would I be gestating a little bean!). That tells me my thinking is off and to learn to love, grow, and be changed, I have to listen to people a little bit wiser than me. And wait.

So all my ducks are nowhere near a row, but here I am, living life, loving that sweet geek of mine, even when I don't like him. The reward? He comes home from work and we sit and talk for a moment, honestly, openly, without our defenses up, and from that, the roots grow a little deeper. I'm glad I'm still by your side Fozz, and you, by mine.