I meant 'As Is'

Just thinking of you today...

For better or worse
Even when the 'worse' is more than I can handle some days and I want to go back to the 'better'. Even when the world seems to plot against us and I want the easy path.

Richer or poorer
Even when the 'poorer' makes the 'worse' sometimes happen and I spend too much time daydreaming about the 'richer' days to come (or not to come)

Sickness or health
I shuffle (soon to waddle) back and forth between these and still you are here. I am grateful. I'll stick around for you too.

To love and to cherish
Cherish:
a: to hold dear : feel or show affection for
b: to keep or cultivate with care and affection
Cultivate:
1: to prepare or prepare and use for the raising of crops; also : to loosen or break up the soil about (growing plants)2 a: to foster the growth of b: culture 2a c: to improve by labor, care, or study : refine <cultivate the mind>
Cultivating requires pulling weeds sometimes. Weeds of doubt, fear, and resentment so the garden can bloom. I gotta work at this. I gotta give love a place to grow. I'll keep cultivating and loving and when I fail at it, I'll try again. I'm glad a new planting time comes every year.

Till Death...
You ain't gettin' rid of me and I ain't gettin' rid of you!! (even when I'm a pain in the tuckus or vice versa)

Ani DiFranco said it so succinctly...
When I said...when I said I'll take you, I meant...I meant As Is.

Time catching up

Time and all the things I've taken for granted are catching up with me in this pregnancy. Here's the list (not for pity, for information)

High Blood Pressure
Nerve Compression problems
Fibroids
High potential of Gestational Diabetes

With the exception of the first one, these are all things that have shown up in the last 5 months and all of them, without exception, can be traced back to one cause. Weight.

Now I've lived with a heavy body since the age of 8 and have thought that if people had a problem with it, they could get over it. I'm strong, active, and not too worried about it, or so I thought. The fibroids is what brought me reeling back to reality. They won't go away, there is no cure, and they are not reversible. I'm stuck with them and, later in life, they could cost me all my female parts, or interfere with future pregnancies. My doctor didn't seem to worried about them, but in combination with everything else I've listed, it seems to me that my body is raising a huge flag and saying, "Stop living this way!! We are falling apart here!"

Yet, as always, my habits don't match up with my goals. I do what is easy, rather than what is good for me. I either obsess or put on a blindfold and deny. One day it's carrots, bell peppers, hummus and water for lunch, the next day, a cookie. Changing means thinking ahead, doing what I don't want to do in the moment because my health and the health of my baby depend on me! I have 6 weeks until my OB does the test for diabetes (it doesn't show up until 24-28 weeks- I'm only 22 weeks) and my goal is to cut all processed sugar out of my diet by then and regulate my carb intake to make sure I am not overloading my system with sugar (either direct or indirect). It means grocery shopping differently, it means eating differently, it means paying attention when I want to veg out.

On a scale of 1-10 in terms of will power, I have about a whopping 2, at best, 0 when I'm having a baby moment, so support would be great!! This is a terrifying and yet humbling place for me. I know I don't have the strength to do it on my own, but know there is one place I can turn to. I just gotta keep going back there, every day, every time I want to choose the easy path. I know there is healing for the things I cannot change, but God gave me a brain and a will and even though he may have the power to make me a size 8 in a moment, He won't (at least I'm pretty sure he hasn't done it this way for anyone else). I gotta bring that brain and will to the table (literally) and do for myself what I am able and count on him for the rest.

Rick (not rolled) - a tribute to my youth

I'm very behind the times, but I today discovered the practice of Rickrolling someone (on youTube) but the ironic thing is, I used to LOVE Rick Astley, so when it came on, it was a lovely surprise! I just thought he was the dreamiest thing and had a great voice. I wore my cassette player out listening to him!!! Mock me if you will, but I always was a sucker for those baritone boys. Tenors are all showy and flashy, but give me a baritone any day! I did a little googleing and found out he's still around, singing, and making music but not like in the old days. He's 'thickened up' a bit since the days when he was this skinny red haired nerd, but still it's him. I listened to an audio clip of him being interviewed and was surprised to her him say that 1. He was 42 years old (EEEK! That makes me so very old!!) and 2. He had the thickest accent that sounded to me like a Liverpudlian. I never guessed that. After some more digging, I found I was right (actually a small town outside of it called Newton -Le-Willows.) That makes another favorite musician from that area of England. (I'm such a nerd and sucker for the Beatles)

OK, so this is just a little glimpse of how big a geek I was and I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out that red hair, crooked teeth and sweaty pompadore! Man he could sing! OK. I'm done. Cue the laughter. :) PS, gotta run. The bean just KICKED my bladder!! She'd better cut that out.

Dichotomy

Today I spent several hours cooking, cleaning, reading a book written in the 30's, scanning over the farm blog and getting twitter updates!

One one hand, the world of L.M. Montgomery seems so homey and lovely with life revolving around the family unit, the warmth of the kitchen stove, and nature. Then add to that the simple life of the farmers who, every Sunday, supply me with fresh fruit, veg, eggs, and meat from their hand tilled land. I long for the simplicity of it all, with perhaps not the added burden of having to make and wear those classic blue dresses. It just all seems so sweet. Yet, the romanticized version leaves out the tremendous amount of hard work that made my current state an often dangerous one for women at the turn of the century, (I can't speak for current Amish families giving birth to their babies).

And then there is my little world here in which I sit perched on my couch, blogging and getting updates from friends around the world via my cell phone. My handy vacuum cleaner in the closet, my new fangled car outside, and sweet, sweet air conditioning. (not that on a clean, rainy day like today I need it) I don't mind it. In fact I enjoy it.

But to pursue one life is to lose the benefits of the other and in this moment, I want the benefits of both. I want the simple natural life of living on a farm, without having to milk anything or pull weeds, but I would feel cut off from the world if I didn't know what the world was like outside my little fences. I want to have all my modern conveniences, but often I feel like my modern conveniences are making my life busy and filled up with stuff, noise, confusion, deadlines, and eye strain!

I have never been a good one for balance but I am hoping to learn it. Perhaps there is a way to both slow down and keep up. For today I can just revel in the moment, accepting where I am, the state of my body, mind, heart, and laundry and just be here. My little girl is wiggling and sqiggling all over the place inside me, my bigger and bigger cat is sleeping in a fuzzy spotted ball in the arm chair across the room, the dog is curled up in her cave (ie, her crate with a big old couch cushion and comforter in there), summer sounds of cicadas singing on the trees, the rain brought cool sweet air today and will bring even more fresh food from the farms, and every day, my hubs and I are finding sweet, quiet moments in which to grow deeper in love, friendship, and relationship. That's pretty good when you think about it and so, I am content.

Quite possibly the ugliest fashion brought to you by the most tasteless purveyor of clothing

Yes folks, this is, in fact, a dress. The not so recent wake of clothing purveyors who use sex to sell clothes has produced my least favorite, which I will not even name because you might in fact, cruise on over to their website and thereby unknowingly contribute to their empire built on pushing teen (or at least what is made to appear to be) 'soft porn' on the masses. I have noticed that since the viewer of said advertisements is often too accosted by exposed flesh or by distracting poses that would best be showcased around a pole in some seedy smoke-filled back room, they often fail to pick up on the fact that these clothes are, in fact, a hideous collection of uncomfortable crap, usually colored in shades more often found in my old 80's wonder palette of eyeshadow than on humans. But they go to far with this. It is equal parts hideous and comical and I dare say I would have a hard time not bursting out laughing if I saw them on a human girl out and about town. Aptly named 'figure skater', but I have to say the last time a figure skater wore this ugly an outfit had to be at least...what...1972? To make the best outfit ever, you must pair it with their other offering...Because no outfit is complete unless every single inch of you shines like the top of the Chrysler building. Seriously.

Lucky me

This has long been my favorite medium for griping to the world or taking a small stand against the injustice of the world, even if only my friends read it, but I have been thinking how I hardly mention the good things. I do that with almost every element of my life. It's like the splinter in my finger that I can't help picking at, even though the rest of me feels fine. So here's a list of things I am grateful for today. It is by no means comprehensive!

1. A wonderful husband. Hands down the best man in the world for me who loves me through my baby induced mental breakdowns, works hard at a job he hates, takes care of his family, is smart, funny and loving, and for whom I'd stick around while he built a rocket.
2. A wonderful baby. I still hesitate to call the baby 'she' but since the ultrasound said it's pretty likely, I'd better get used to it. She wiggled all night and I am so glad to finally feel her squiggling around in there. It was a bit disconcerting for half a moment and then I realize what it was!
3. A house to keep me warm, dry, and safe.
4. Friends (like you) who listen when I talk and who share my life with me making the burdens a little lighter and the joys even sweeter, even when I forget I have friends and go have a good baby induced cry on my bed because 'I have no friends.' It's pitiful really. I need a list by the fridge of people I can call when I forget I am loved.
5. A job. Not that it's the most exciting thing on the planet, but it pays the bills and the people are wonderful to work with
6. My health - I can still walk, talk, breathe, sing, swim and though I have little things (like the 'splinter') that irritate me, I am healthy and I am grateful for that.
7. Music. I got to sing this weekend at a conference with some friends and loved it. There's something about being on stage. Perhaps that's the showoff in me, but I am grateful none the less.
8. Sunshine. I love sunshine. I miss it when it's gone. Seriously. I get crabby.
9. Family - they make me insane, but I wouldn't trade them for anything! As I learn to let go, I enjoy them more. So they aren't the Cleavers, but they are pretty cool.
10. Sleep. I am about to miss this like crazy in a few more months so for now, I am grateful for 6-8 hours
11. Peaches - the CSA (community supported Agriculture) brought us sweet peaches this week and I have to say, I never really liked peaches before I tasted them fresh from the farm and not fresh from the refrigerated truck where they've been for a week or 2!
12. Freckles - my sweet pup who has been with me forever and still loves me when I am too tired and/or lazy to take her for walks. (she doesn't rank 12th in my heart, it's just how it came out. I like her more than peaches...well...sometimes)
13. Naartjie (pronounced Narchie)
my bug who runs like a champ in spite of being older than me!
14. the steps...all 12 of them, and the people who help me climb them, one at a time.
15. Jesus. Nuf said, since there aren't words for me to say how grateful I am.
16. Gizmo who provides us with unending entertainment and missing fridge magnets.
17. Swimming pools
18. Ears to hear with
19. Eyes to see with
20. Hands to hold with
21. A mind to learn with
22. That I don't always have to be right. A wise person once asked me if I'd rather be right or happy. I'd rather be happy and let everyone else try to be right. Being right never makes me feel good. Just like a know-it-all, or resentful when everyone else doesn't see how very right I am.
23. My guitar who's case is currently in need of a fresh application of duct tape (200 mile per hour tape) to keep it together, but still sounds as sweet as the day I paid way too much for it seeing as I was a beginner!
24. The interwebs! at least the good parts
25. Moleskin journals that smell new, to write in with archival pens so my journals won't be erased by time and random water leaks
26. For endings to things so I can look forward to the beginning of something new.

See dis? I feel dis.

Imagine if this (dats a grapefruit people) had been implanted inside your abdomen and every time you rolled over in bed, you felt it. Now try to get some sleep. Sheeyeah. Right.

Back at work. Made a new door sign!

It's so hard to come back after nearly a month off! I'll regale you with stories later, but for now, I wanted to show off my new office sign.