Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Time catching up

Time and all the things I've taken for granted are catching up with me in this pregnancy. Here's the list (not for pity, for information)

High Blood Pressure
Nerve Compression problems
High potential of Gestational Diabetes

With the exception of the first one, these are all things that have shown up in the last 5 months and all of them, without exception, can be traced back to one cause. Weight.

Now I've lived with a heavy body since the age of 8 and have thought that if people had a problem with it, they could get over it. I'm strong, active, and not too worried about it, or so I thought. The fibroids is what brought me reeling back to reality. They won't go away, there is no cure, and they are not reversible. I'm stuck with them and, later in life, they could cost me all my female parts, or interfere with future pregnancies. My doctor didn't seem to worried about them, but in combination with everything else I've listed, it seems to me that my body is raising a huge flag and saying, "Stop living this way!! We are falling apart here!"

Yet, as always, my habits don't match up with my goals. I do what is easy, rather than what is good for me. I either obsess or put on a blindfold and deny. One day it's carrots, bell peppers, hummus and water for lunch, the next day, a cookie. Changing means thinking ahead, doing what I don't want to do in the moment because my health and the health of my baby depend on me! I have 6 weeks until my OB does the test for diabetes (it doesn't show up until 24-28 weeks- I'm only 22 weeks) and my goal is to cut all processed sugar out of my diet by then and regulate my carb intake to make sure I am not overloading my system with sugar (either direct or indirect). It means grocery shopping differently, it means eating differently, it means paying attention when I want to veg out.

On a scale of 1-10 in terms of will power, I have about a whopping 2, at best, 0 when I'm having a baby moment, so support would be great!! This is a terrifying and yet humbling place for me. I know I don't have the strength to do it on my own, but know there is one place I can turn to. I just gotta keep going back there, every day, every time I want to choose the easy path. I know there is healing for the things I cannot change, but God gave me a brain and a will and even though he may have the power to make me a size 8 in a moment, He won't (at least I'm pretty sure he hasn't done it this way for anyone else). I gotta bring that brain and will to the table (literally) and do for myself what I am able and count on him for the rest.


Mel said...

I will commit to providing healthier snack options for Stargate night! It'll be good for all of us.

Elizabeth Wickland said...

Kudos for getting to the point that you want to make a change for real! I was skinny-lou back when I saw you on a regular basis, but in the years since I, too, have had weight struggles and the resultant ups and downs of moderation vs. comfort food. It's a daily thing. But I have learned a few tricks along the way, so if you want to know some of my favorite comfort foods I can have without breaking my calorie budget (I'm a calorie counter) let me know. And it won't help much while you're preggers, but after the babe comes and you're done nursing if you still want to lose weight you should check out It's free and I managed to lose 20 lbs in the last year following it, which says something.

I'm here to support you! =D (and just for transparency sake, you can feel free to follow the nitty gritty details of my weight loss journey over at Turns out blogging helps keep me accountable, especially when my motivation is at zip!)

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