It's only March, so this warm weather is only a tease. I know this from 10+ years of Nashville weather. The moment I put something in the ground before April 15th, fickle Spring hides her face and the frost kills my young plants. I've learned. But this delicious breeze! This warm sun! This barefoot babies on the playground day! I've been fooled before and I may get fooled again.
I haven't been capturing the days on 'film', but just drinking them in, and often sitting, totally overwhelmed while a small one sleeps on my chest and my other (still small in my heart) one runs and plays and attempts things I never thought she'd try. It's funny how having mama's hands full all the time prompts new independence. And new sadness. 'I need you Mama' is what she says about 50 (thousand?) times a day to me. She can't express why she needs me, or what she needs me for, but truthfully, I know she needs me to find time for her when she is the only thing in my arms and not get half hugs while I hold my darling, but still extremely needy son. I can't help but think of a wise friend's words to me as I stood crying in my dining room. My heart has expanded to hold both of these darling babies, but my hands have not multiplied. By default, I cannot hold them both and I feel it. The return of the sun from waking until nearly sleeping helps me deal with this dilemma much better than the gray and cold days of January when I first brought this bundle home, but still, the longing to give my daughter the time she craves and still spend my days drinking in the smiles and coos of this little boy.
But the garden calls me. The snakes are already taking up residence in my irises. I've been working on getting wee man to lay on a blanket and be OK with that. Maybe under an umbrella while we prepare the soil for plants. I set aside the nagging thoughts that my time would be bette spent keeping up with the laundry or vacuuming the hideously dog hair covered rug, or planning or grocery trip or...or...or...or...
Nope. I ignore the or's and dig in the dirt. Or at least plan to, even if I haven't begun. Yet.
2 comments:
sweet Cora. i remember Bennett longing for my arms while Amos was in them. Maybe when Matt comes home you and Cora can go on a quick ice cream date..or something just you and her. And you are right...you are just one person with two arms. This is a good beginning for Cora (and Bennett) to know life is not just about them. A hard lesson we all have to keep learning. You are doing a great job, mama of two, ...i know.
You always have such a beautiful way of capturing the tensions of motherhood. It was a joy to spend time with you all yesterday. Thankfully (or not?!) my lap was big enough for both Liam and Cora.
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