Please, oh please...

I've never greeted happy news with such fear and trembling.  I had my fifth positive pregnancy test today.  Fifth ever.  That means, for those of you who might be confused about the importance of that, I have two living babies, two babies in heaven and now...this one, who is living, as far as I know.  I am equal parts ecstatic about his/her arrival and terrified that I will miscarry again.  Each loss has pulled loose a chunk of my heart, and for a time, a chunk of my sanity.  I am grateful for the love and support of our families and wonderful community as well as deeply sensible of how blessed I am to have our two living children.  But since this is a place for me to be honest I have to say I don't think I can keep it together very well if this pregnancy is not viable.  

Conventional wisdom might dictate that we keep this under our hats until we know for sure, but wisdom seems to be more about not showing grief if something is wrong and I just can't do that either.  I am going to find joy where there is joy and hold on to hope.  We had planned to have this third baby, but I realize now that I've been putting it off, almost hoping it would take longer.  But no, true to form, one month of trying equals pregnant.  Thanks, Mama, for those genes.  (Really. I mean it.  I am kinda impatient.) And now, there is nothing to do but wait, take my prenatal vitamins, and pray that this baby stays.  Please, oh please, stay.

Join us in our joy and won't you say a prayer for me and this little one?