Friday, February 03, 2012

Sorrow and Joy

Sometimes I wonder the wisdom of telling the world I am pregnant as soon as I find out, only to find out a month later that the baby never grew past cell stage and we've lost another one.  That makes 2 angel babies.  Last time I didn't have to explain to my 3 yr old why we weren't going to have a baby anymore.  A baby that she is convinced was a girl.  My big girl was only 1 then and I cried alone and with my hubs and she was oblivious to my grief.  Now my girl sits in my lap and cries and says "I want my baby sister to stay.  I don't want her to be dead."  She has a way of putting things together even if we avoid the word 'death'.  My little deep soul.  She breaks my heart with her yearning for her sister and I weep even more in my own grief for the loss of that sweet babe and the heartache that I see in her.  I hate death.  I hate pain.  I know they are a part of life, but I hate them.

Last time this happened (2010), I stopped blogging.  For a long long time.  I didn't want to share anything anymore.  I began again, but not the everyday joys and sorrows that I was spilling out into the internet universe.  For the very first time in my life I wanted to be quiet.  I wanted to be still and not talk about what I felt to people I didn't know.  Deep sorrow touched me for the first time.  Not that I had not had grief or death in my life before, but I was young and didn't know how to walk through the grief, so I avoided it. I got angry when anyone brought it up.  I was angry that they made me feel that again.  I wanted to forget it.  I wanted to get past it.

Now grief finds me again and I want to stay in it.  Long enough to remember and mourn.  But living babies call me and need me and are joyful and I find myself in a beautiful blend of sorrow and joy.  Joy for the lives I have been blessed with.  For the sweet boy and sweet girl that stayed and fill my life with wonder and beauty.  And sorrow for the sweet boy and girl that I lost that I will only see again in heaven.  And in this, I can move forward.

1 comment:

Jaime Matthews said...

There is wisdom in embracing life to the fullest, no matter how long it is here with us. This baby was life inside of you for a time, and a blessing in ways you may not understand. The grief and sorrow are for a life that could have been, but also for a life that was. I'm glad you are able to stay with the grief this time. I described my grief after Charlotte as like the waves, that were currently knocking me down and making me feel like I was drowning, but I knew that soon they would just be ripples on the water that reminded me of her. Noelle thinks about Charlotte maybe even more than me. She has a different view of death than probably most 6 year olds, but that is just part of how God is shaping her. Cora will work it out in her own ways. Lifting you all up in prayer.

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