Little bits of Grace

I've been hiding out in my bed, grieving, hurting, and trying to forget, in turns.  In all of this, as we mourn the loss of this pregnancy and the hopes we had for our baby, I am overwhelmed by little bits of Grace throughout my days.

The moms from my MOMS Club and friends from church who have come and brought me food, done my dishes (several times!!), taken my baby girl to play with their children, offered help and support in more ways than I knew I needed. 

The sweet relationship between Matt and Cora that bloomed more full and beautiful through long days spent in each others company.  Twelve hour days alone with a toddler can be difficult, but I've had 16 months to work up to it!  Matt jumped into full time care for  her and is doing a fabulous job.  I could hardly stand to stay upstairs in bed listening to the giggles and fun that echoed up the stairway.

The deepening of friendships that this has meant.  It's as though only those who have passed through this sorrow can understand those who have passed through it before.  Understanding these women on a more profound level.

Matt and I drawing together in our grief, rather than falling apart.

My sweet girl more precious in my heart than ever before. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers, thoughts, wisdom, dinners, childcare, and love.  I'll be back in a little while.

Empty

After a long weekend of worrying, now we know. My body got the message to make a space for a baby to grow, but the ultrasound confirmed it today, no baby ever grew there. Please send prayers our way as we mourn the 9 week baby that grew in our hearts, but not in my body.  I'll be silent for awhile longer.

Whoo hoo - Baby #2

So I've been trying to think of a clever way to make some news public with a fun picture, maybe a softly lit scene blah, blah, blah.  But I can't and it's the news I'm going to tell you that is the reason why.

I'm pregnant(!) and tired.


Yes, again.  Yes, it's soon. We planned it that way.  Yes, Cora will be just under 2 years old when this baby comes.  The due date is September 19th.  Yes, we plan to try a VBAC.  Yes, I might be insane for that.  Yes, we plan to find out the sex...shhhheeew.  Any other questions I've forgotten?  OK.  So now you know why I've been such a whiny, flaky blogger lately.  I'm pooped.

I'm excited, don't get me wrong, but this is the second one, so I don't have many illusions of what is to come.  Last time there was all the mystery of labor, of ultrasounds, of wondering how motherhood would be, of enjoying ice-cream whenever I felt like it.  This time there are memories of a traumatic birth experience, of swelling up so big that I lost feeling in my extremities for months, of being unable to sleep for the need to pee constantly and from the pain of numb extremities, the need to maintain my weight at it's current level since I stayed a fatty after the last baby and they want me to not gain weight (groan!!) or no more than 15 lbs (so no ice-cream for me) and, my favorite, INSANITY!

I lose my mind when I'm pregnant.  Everything is 1000 times bigger than it really is.  Everything is the end of the world!  I mean, I told the Geek I was going to divorce him over the garbage this morning.  It's slightly (very slightly) amusing in hindsight, but I can bet you that he is still stinging from it.  I really am sorry, Honey!!  I'm not leaving on a Greyhound bus with our babies, bound for Texas!  (See?  Crazy!!  Why would I even say that?  I love my hubby even if the garbage doesn't get taken out!  And a trip to Texas on a Greyhound bus with a 15 month old would be hours and hours of torture - not unlike living with a crazy wife...hmmm  I'm so sorry!)

So there you have it.  The news.  Now can I go have a nap?

Sickies and sludge

Knock on wood, I am, so far, immune to the sickies around here.  They circle around me with their germs, coughing on me in the night and sneezing all over me with their little and big noses.  Oh these two are DETERMINED to infect me.  But I won't give in!  I won't!!  I will take my vitamins and eat chewable vitamin C like it is CANDY and I will drink water until my bladder gives up the good fight and just explodes!! 

I won't take a picture of the absolute sacrilege to my soul that is the current state of the great outdoors, so recently clothed in the garment of winter bride.  Now she has been wearing that gown to stomp in mud puddles!!  Oh it's too much for my beauty loving soul.  The piles of gray and black sludge that used to be snow piled in the grocery store parking lot!  I can't bear it.  I'm from the south.  Snow doesn't hang around there long enough to get piled anywhere! 

So instead I give you, a stolen kiss (taken by the Geek/Papa) and the most ghetto snowman ever rolled up (by me and the neighbor kids while my sickies slept).  With rocks for teeth, nostrils and eyes.  Yes.  Rocks.  (Which can only be topped by the one my friend showed me and promised to put on her blog soon.  Natty Ice beer bottle tops for buttons, folks.  Need I say more?)

Color for January :: Snow White

The snow is still hanging around, but I'm thinking it will be gone by tonight.  However, this is the best color I've found for this month!  Not just white but the beautiful purple shadows and sparkling diamonds of snowflakes all drifted in the morning light.  So bright and cheerful.  Just the color I was looking for.

 

Snow! Finally!

 

The weatherman forecast snow for last night, so when I got up at 5:30 am for BOOT CAMP (yes. Ug.) with nary a flake to tempt me back to my warm bed, I was slightly annoyed, called him a snake oil salesman and went to sweat with a bunch of other ladies who are into the same sort of self punishment as me, grumbling all the way!  And then 9am rolled around and it began to snow.  I was still skeptical, but lo and behold, it stuck and kept on snowing.  In fact it's still going!  A real rarity around here where we are known for our 'Tender Tennessee Christmas"es and also tender (or rather pathetic and gray) Januaries and Februaries. 

Cora and I got out to enjoy the snow, but it would seem just I enjoyed it.  Cora was rather more annoyed at being put down and at having to wear her 'marshmallow suit'  (since she looks like a pink and blue marshmallow in it), and for some reason her boots bother her.  Maybe she's just not used to structured shoes.  Poor gal.  It has been a rough couple of weeks.  Molars.  Need I say more? 

Matt enjoyed his snow day too. :)

Photo Fail!

There is just nothing new under this roof.  Matt's hat is done, but I haven't taken pictures and I can't bare to show you one more photo of my gross brown installed when this house was a rental carpet!  Even if a cute baby girl IS in the foreground.  It's still January and by default, gross.  A friend said recently that January is like a month of Mondays.  And I agree!  Although that could just be the cloudy weather talking.  You know how I get with not enough sun. 

Tuesday

The girlishness of this little never ceases to amaze me.  I didn't teach her this. Pinkies Up!

Monday

Makeshift Montessori

Sunday

Saturday

Simply Silent

I haven't got a lot to say, but a lot is brimming in my heart.  I'm going silent for the next week, but will be posting things I see.  At least one photo for the next 7 days.  I hope your week has been wonderful.  Mine has been, in spite of gray rainy days.  New and beautiful things are hiding under the surface, like the sleeping green of spring.  I am dreaming of them and keeping quiet.  I'll be back with more to say next Friday.  Until then, enjoy the view.

Knitting for the Geek

One might think, with all of the knitting I do around here, that Matt would be WELL STOCKED on knitted items.  One would be wrong if one thought that.  Sadly.  So when Matt requested a warm hat that covered his ears, I realized the serious wood deficiencies this man is suffering from and I jumped right in and cast on.  Right after I measured the man's massive noggin, that is.  I'll show you when it's all done, but I can't really point you to a pattern, since I'm making it up as I go.  There is much ribbing involved and lovely olive green wool.  I hope he likes it!

Hoofin' it :: My one small change for January

I'll be the first to admit it; I love the easy path.  I love dishwashers and washing machines and cars.  Oh yes.  Modern technology is the most fabulous Mother's helper I know!  But when mine breaks down or is not readily available to me, I tend to feel, well, stuck. 

Matt and I have been sharing one car since...I can't remember what day or month the little VW bug decided it wanted to quit halfway home and had to be towed, (by us with tow straps!) back to the driveway. Sad, sad, little car.  Grumpy, grumpy little mama.  Taking him to work was not the hard part, it's the picking him up, at 5:30pm when the baby is hungry and very grumpy and dinner is in some stage near completion and then must be planned ahead and already doing it's thing in the crock pot,  finished up, or left to cook in the (gas) oven in hopes that nothing will go wrong on the trip to pick him up and I won't come home to a burning house or a burnt dinner.  It's a precarious dance and I seem to have two left feet! But I digress.  The point I was getting to was that I send Matt off in our only car every day to avoid the inconvenience of dinner time disasters (and to save on gas!) and then I complain about how I am stuck at home.  

Reality set in last night when I was reading Anne of Avonlea (my book club did Anne of Green Gables for December and I couldn't just stop with that one!) and they walked 4 miles (one way) to a friend's house for afternoon tea.  And then had to walk back home!  In dresses(!), and high heel boots(!!), through the woods (!!!), IN CANADA (!!!!).  What have I got to complain about?  The grocery store is 1.9 miles away, the park is less than 1 mile (and they have a pool open in the summer!), the East branch of the Library is 2.1 miles.  Totally doable!  I have plenty of friends who live within 2 miles of me.  And I can walk 2 miles in just over half an hour, even while pushing a stroller.  I've got pavement, and, best of all, sneakers!!  It is a balmy 56 degrees outside (as opposed to current P.E. Island - where the Anne books are set, temp of 27 degrees). 

So I'm making this one small change in my life.  If I am invited somewhere and  it is within 2 miles of my house, rather than using all that extra time and gas to take Matt to work so I can have the car, I will walk.  We started today with a trip to visit friends who live 1.6 miles from my house.  It took 29 minutes one way, with several stops to adjust baby hats and mittens.  I got an hour's worth of brisk exercise in, a great visit with a friend, a fun playdate for Cora, and a big dose of vitamin D when the sun came out for our return journey.  No, the dishes and laundry didn't get done, but sometimes housework has to suffer for the sake of sanity. 

P.S.  In case you were looking for Friday's late post on Sunday, I decided to let past Fridays be past Fridays and start fresh today.  And perhaps the circumference of that chubby thigh you see in the photo will be diminished by this change as well!

Color for January :: Purple in Motion

[This was the post for Thursday.  I didn't get it finished in time and then wasn't feeling so hot, and it got pushed back again and again.  Ah well.  Here it is, late but fun. Friday's post will follow tomorrow and I'll be all caught up for Monday!]

I can't get this girl to sit still!  It's no wonder.  There's just too much to explore and take in.  She's a blur of purple britches as she passes from one room to the next.

  The only thing that will hold her interest is me blogging.  Then she wants to sit in my lap, eat office supplies, and 'help'.  She's enough to brighten any gray day!

Color for January :: GREEN Alligator

I'm trying to add more color to my very gray January.  (Loved the chair fort idea Jana!!)

So here's a very green little guy I knitted up for a little friend.  It's an alligator, in case you can't tell, who seems to have some very British dental hygiene going on. 

I haven't determined a way to get the teeth to not splay out like that!  He's a prototype and if I can get the teeth to not do that, I'm going to offer him as a free pattern to download! 

(I tucked in his teeth for this photo, but generally he has sort of a Goofy vibe happening)

So any tips on fixing the teeth would be great.  I knitted them as a 'points trim' one at a time.  Very time consuming and then did a little shaping with the yarn end. 

Puppet was enjoyed by all and then sent home with his new friend!

Flat into January

A friend recently posted about how December was so full and fun and decorated and just amazing and then it became January and it was just cold and blah.  Then another friend recently said the same thing and I realized they were putting into words the way these last two weeks have felt.  We've been snowed in, freezing out butts off, and spring seems ages away.  I'm sure we've got nothing on folks further north who are snowed in, but just the same, January feels flat.  And I don't like flat.  I'm going to put my brain to the task of bringing some light and color to my house and mind.  Any ideas, friends?

Solace and Silence

Apparently I'm tired.  I put the children (mine and a visiting one) down for a nap and lay on my bed reading until they finally stopped talking to themselves and went to sleep.  The next thing I knew, I woke up face down on my book, with my glasses on but askew, and I'm pretty sure I was drooling.

So while the children still snooze, I am talking comfort in a cup of afternoon (caffeinated!) tea to warm and wake me.  I've been pondering over lots of things lately...and there goes the first kiddo waking up.  My thoughts will hold till another day.  Happy Monday!

Just a dusting...

We got the most pitiful display of snow this week, starting January 7th and as of this posting, it's still hanging around.  Not to say that I'm not grateful, but the beautiful snow photos I dreamed of won't be materializing.

I didn't even bother putting Cora in her marshmallow suit to try it out.  The grass was still showing!  Ah well. She observed from the window, licking the glass to make sure it was cold.

See you Monday, friends!

Kitchen Helper

We are in the process of getting snowed in and let me tell ya, it makes me a little crazy to be stuck inside for too long. Cora is my little kitchen helper today. Too bad I didn't get a shot of her LICKING all the tupperware. Ah well.