Reeling

As you can well imagine, life has been turned on it's ear. I am still reeling about this, but very happy. The geek nearly exploded with joy upon reading the result. My reaction was more like..."Yay!...Oh CRAP!"

Everything changes.

What else can I say. I've had lots of great advice about this and lots of support. The truth is, these are uncharted waters for me (us) and I am TERRIFIED at times, and OVERJOYED at other times. Perhaps that's the hormones talking, but maybe not. I am ready and SOOO not ready. Good thing I don't have to have everything figured out right now! Your support and encouragement is needed. I'm glad I've got such good friends!
One called me today, a fellow musician, and what she said so encouraged me. I know I post as "the musician" but really, I have not done anything with that gift in a long time. Just this month I was pondering and praying about that and asking for willingness to become that again. I know it's me who self sabotages and goes and hides in a hole when opportunity comes my way. Just this month I was trying to reconcile the life of a mother with the life of a musician and found it to be incompatible in my mind. Now it's like, just when I was ready to take the first step, the door closes and I'm on to a different phase of life. One that I'm not sure I'm prepared for, at all! I don't want music to be something I used to do.
My friend heard all this outpouring, in tears of course, cause I'm CRAZY hormonal, and reminded me how writers and singers we know and admire have become so much deeper and better at creating their art because they had children. Women who have kept on performing, because it is who they are! Like it tapped into something that they never knew was there. That is a comforting thought right now. Especially when I look at the plan I had all mapped out to make me into the woman I thought would be best and realize that I am not that woman, at all. But am exactly where I am supposed to be. I can't always reconcile that logic in my head, but I know it to be truth.

I am a vessel now, in more ways than one
I can't imagine what the day will bring.
But I am willing,
I am waiting,
I am wanting to be free.
I am impatient,
imperfect,
imagining a better me.
When all the time,
The one who is here,
is the one who was meant to be.

umm...

Thats the news...and now for the weather!

It's spring!! Can you believe it?! Why does this seem like such a frickin miracle every year? It's almost as if I can't believe that the trees actually have leaves and the grass is any other color but a washed out tan. I grew up WAAAAY south of here and the tease of warm weather has been playing havoc with my brain!! I am halfway ready to pack up my bags and go south for the winter. I am so very tired of being cold. I should actually be a hibernator instead of one of those creatures who is awake for the winter.

Nothing amazing to report. We did end up finding a tenant and she moves in this weekend. The geek works 40 hours a week at a job, and I only work 20, so the care of the cottage is my other part time job. If I do it right on the front end, I earn about $500/month for not doing a whole lot, aside from the occasional repair job. I'm getting quite handy these days! Yesterday I bought tin snips and made a backsplash for the stove. Who'da thought I'd be this handy. (well...I did come by it honest. Have you ever met my Mama?)

Me and Freckles were at the dog park yesterday and someone called her a "rolly polley dog." I could have killed them! How dare you call my dog fat?! I think I'm projecting. She didn't seem to mind at all. It did, however, let me know that the change in her dog food was not a good change. Back to the expensive brand!
This summer I am headed to Longview, TX to head up the music for the Day Camp I grew up attending. It's not like what it was when I was a kid. We aren't even allowed to swim in the lake any more for 'insurance reasons.' How crappy is that!?! What if we based everything we did on how much it might cost us in insurance? We might just sit at home. I can't live as if I am guarding myself from insurance risks! Bring on the lake! As long as there are no alligator snapping turtles. Have you seen those?! Yikes!! Grampa used to sit an pick them off the logs with a rifle as they came up to sun. They'd eat the feet off of the ducks, wait for the ducks to drown and then eat the ducks. I like my toes intact, thank you VERY much.  Check out this guy!! OK. I digress....

So apart from killer turtles, I can't wait for the summer. I got to write the them song for the camp! It's about telling people about Jesus. The song is called "Go Fish." I love my job.

Sometimes I forget things like zombies...and then....

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN.

This made the geek and I crack up tonight. Especially the shambling. Never forget the shambling!!

The Heartache Tycoon

I'm not the only rock star in my family.
My little brother actually lives up to that title lately. He's rocking my face off lately with his Americana Country as he seems to be really finding his groove. His newest song "Heartache Tycoon" is dripping with irony, his quirky sense of timing and humor as well as the back way he catches you with a killer lyric. It's not recorded yet, but it's gonna be great. He told me this song's been raising the roof at the local joints in Austin he plays regularly. I can believe it.

As for his style, he's more and more like a male Lucinda Williams lately but sometimes I think it's Ryan Adams and I listen harder and hear my brother's words! It's so very cool.

The reason for blogging about him is this: he called to tell me he was auditioning for Nashville Star! And he's just doing it for laughs. He has a whole fake act and costume and everything! We laughed last night that there's gonna be so much ham, people are gonna think it's Easter Sunday dinner! So if you see this tall, skinny, red-headed guy all in black with huge sunglasses, that's my brother! I gotta see when Nashville star comes on and if I can get it on the internet, since we don't have channels. In the mean time, check him out on myspace. He ROCKS! And yes, before you leave comments to this effect, I know we look A LOT alike.

I'm not up on the skinny

As part of a quest to have more space in my brain to actually create something, I don't have TV channels. We have a box that shows a picture, but if you turn it on and flip the channels, you will get the blue screen. (not the blue screen of death. That is another matter) There is nothing there. Yet, sometimes it's good to snuggle down in a big arm chair and watch a good show. To accomplish this, we have made netflix into our cable company. We get all the series' (a year behind) and are perfectly content to watch them (a year behind) until we catch up and then have to wait another year for say..."House" to come out on netflix. For all of you who are currently rolling your eyes at my extreme uncoolness...yeah. It's never gonna change. Get used to it. I once knew a rock star that while on the road with nothing to do, spent HOURS in WAL-MART. Every day. Better than drinking, I suppose. Musicians are not cool by nature. We are nerds by nature. (that's why we need 'artist development' lol) Ask any musician (even those spandex wearing types once they sober up - drinking hides the nerd-dom). But I digress.

We watched 'The Closer' this weekend and while her thick southern accent was good, it was much like a British person doing a really good American accent. It's good enough to fool the brits, but not me. Only a native can hear the difference. And I am a native. The show was great though, so far. Kick Ace southern chick with an axe to grind and a sugar addiction? My kind of gal.

We also watched the new adventures of Horatio Hornblower (didn't know he had old adventures!) and had a chance to hear a Brit do an American accent there, amongst all swashing and buckling. (or, since they are not Pirates, but primly dressed British navy-men: Swashing and Buttoning lol) It was Swash-Buttoning adventures on the high seas! The geek apparently used to mock his little brother for watching these shows as a kid. That little brother grew up to be a bit of a genius who runs a million dollar web company now. Careful how you treat those siblings!

So there's no real point to this post except for rambling on and on about stuff that is so old news. But I liked it, so really it's new news to me!

Ooo! Ooo! Pick me!! I know the way!

I don't know the way, but I had something fun happen the other night. My neighbor and I were at our neighborhood association meeting and there was a new couple and I kept looking at the guy without trying to stare, because I could have sworn I'd met him somewhere. (awkward! He was there with his fiance'. Didn't want to look like a stalker type or like I was "checking him out"). This happens to me often, not the stalker aside, but the thinking I know someone part, and if you read my "about me" section and take a look at the people we "drag into the fray" you'll know why.

After we met our new neighbors and the guy said his name was Jett. Not from the blog "Letter to America"?! Yup. From that blog. Small world, no? I'd just been listening to his podcast a few days before about one of my favorite local eating spots "I Dream of Weenie,"and I happened upon his blog because I was looking for pictures of East Nashville covered in snow. I found his flickr photos and then eventually, his blog. Interesting take on things. He and his fiance' seem very nice and it's always good to have people who care about the hood.

As for the title, I was thinking...what a small world that I'd meet this person in real life, then I thought of the song "It's a small world after all," then that reminded me of "Welcome to Dulac" from Shrek and of course the scene where Donkey is jumping up saying...well, you know. My post title. I really AM a linear thinker, just not on the line YOU were thinking of. It's what makes me "the musician" rather than "the geek."

Baroooo?

Not sure how this works at all, but somehow a post of mine ended up here. I am so not schooled in the ways of the (blogging) world. Too bad having my post on another blog didn't mean I actually got to jam with anyone. I guess the lesson is, music does not come to me, I go to it. Same as always. Can't believe I forgot that one.

Truth Bombs

I've been hearing a buzz about a new TV show which I won't name because I don't want to promote it, but basically, people tell the truth for money and a computer tells them (and everyone else) if they are lying or not. After watching a clip on a friend's blog, I traced her links back through her friends to a church that will be doing a series based on that show.

Here are a few questions he posed:

• Do you let your parents cause problems in your marriage?
• What’s more important, your ego or your spouses feelings?
• Do you seriously not know why your kids act like they do?

There were many more along the way. My question is this:
How can these questions (the ones in the church blog, as well as on the show) help a marriage unless they are asked in a safe environment? I have been a Christian since childhood and yet, still, I am broken and in need of a savior. Everyone I know (including me!) wishes they had married someone else sometimes, everyone wishes they had never had kids sometimes (I'm sure I will when I DO have them. I am quite selfish sometimes), everyone wishes they had another life sometimes. It's how we've fallen.

We aren't content with who we are and what we have because we use those things as a substitute for God. The perfect family, husband, job, boyfriend/girlfriend, figure/body, income, status will never be enough, so of course those things will let us down. If my husband knew every sick, unhealthy, or crazy thought that came into my head, it would only serve to break his heart, not promote intimacy. Is it truth with love, or a truth bomb? Both bring the facts; one heals and one destroys. This is what I think about when a thought comes into my head. I surrender the crap and try to live in the what the truth can be if I give my life and self-will over to someone bigger than myself. Maybe then, those thoughts won't serve to damage those I love, they will become testimony to grace and forgiveness in my life.

OK, for realz, yo.

First off, please know I don't talk like that. Second, I am needing a little culture in my life. I am going to be blowing my allowance this month on shows and new CD's. (Yes, I have an allowance. No, my parents don't give it to me. It's called budgeting. It's what people do who don't want to live forever in debt. Don't judge me! lol) (Man, I'm a smidge snipey today.) OK, so anyhoo. Got any great ideas for shows? I'm pretty sure I can recruit you for the cheap ones, and maybe you for the non-smoking venues. Although, I may just bypass the smoking venues after the Beyond the Edge Preds party. I coughed for 2 days! I've been feeling less like the musician and more like the admin lately. Not cool.

I talked to a friend the other day and she recommended a book for me to read to help merge the two halves of myself that seem to cancel each other out. Of course, my mind was so full of the the one canceling out the other, I forgot the title. Rats! Now she's in London.

My head is so full that I forgot to mention that it snowed. A LOT this weekend. And then melted all away by the next day. It was so pretty while it lasted. Me and Freckles went for a walk about 11pm and saw neighbors out playing in the snow. We stopped and chatted awhile. I took pictures. They should be up soon (meaning I'm a slacker and haven't done it yet.) I'll post some here, so by the time you read this, they may already be here and you'll turn your head with a distinct "baroo?" And then laugh because I'm just that spacey, but you love me. Cheers!

I wanna jam.

Anybody up for getting together and playing instruments for fun? Perhaps this week some time?

Landlording proves harder than falling off log - film at 11

Random thoughts of the day:

- If this apartment were in New York, people would eat their own soul to live in 600 glorious square feet of lovely (with a bathroom!) for $500/month. Alas...this is Nashvegas.

-I think I should spend more time in the bathroom. It is the only room that is really heated. (no vents = had to buy space heater = hot bathroom = camping on the bathroom rug with a book)

-When the dog poop in a field alludes me, it's time to continue on my walk. (can't find it, didn't see it happen, can't pick it up!)

-Wool socks are my secret boyfriend. (I hope the geek will understand)

-I've heard of "in like a lion", but this is just downright silly! 4 inches of snow on March 8th??!!

-My brother is now officially a Marine. I wish I could have been there.

-My geek sure is cute. I've seen some un-cute geeks in my day. I got the best looking one yet!

-I wonder if my big brother is finished being mad at me yet.

-It's nice to have friends who ask the hard questions. It means they really care about me. Yay!

-If I de-clutter my house, can I keep my yarn stash?

I am so not cool - and I like it.

While waiting for the geek to finish working today, I had some time in a local bookseller to browse (ie. read articles for free). It led me to some questions...for starters, why is it called the "swimsuit edition" if they aren't really wearing bathing suites, but paint...hmmm. I digress.

I happened upon a mag called Adbusters -which I had encountered before. The cover was graced by my least favorite human, but I didn't let that get me down because it was about her NOT being cool, which made me happy. (I should probably dissect that with my therapist, but right now, I don't care, so there...read on) Its an ad free magazine, except for the spoofed ads they do. Pretty wild stuff.

The article I lit on was the one about cool, which gives a brief history of cool and how cool became corporate...then flopped.

Here's a quote from the article "The Reconquest of Cool" signed "for the wild, Kalle"

"Forty years after the corporate takeover of cool, we find ourselves again in an era of extraordinary cultural and political upheaval. Global warming has us running scared, an epidemic of mood disorders is eroding our confidence, and as the War on Terror morphs into an open-ended World War IV, we are feeling more insecure than ever.

Suddenly, people are waking up in droves from the dreamland of corporate cool. We’re realizing that ever since we were little babies crawling around the TV sets in our living rooms, we’ve been lied to, propagandized, and told incessantly, day after day, that we can find happiness through consumption. That’s why, like rats in a Skinner box, we’ve kept on pressing that BUY button – millions of us marching in lockstep, all dreaming the same consumerist dream."

The answer? I'll let you read their opinion, but I realized that I am not cool! I have not answered to the corporate call that tells me what I should look like, own, smoke, drink, listen to, wear etc. In fact, on a scale of corporate cool, I rate a very warm 1 (10 being the "coolest") I tried the cool factor. I did! I bought an ipod (shuffle) and put my favorite tunes on it (Beatles) and flew home to TX and somewhere between Nashvegas and the the triple G, I lost it on the plane! My cool lasted about 3 weeks. I couldn't really see paying for something twice that I had saved up my fun money for and had not really seen the lure of it. When I want to listen to music, I put on a CD, or an mp3 set from my little flash drive that I can plug in and listen to at home, on my laptop, at work. When I walk I like to hear the noise of outside. When I travel, I people watch, or write, or listen. I couldn't pay for that self-imposed bubble a second time.

Here's why I'm not cool: I have no real sense of fashion. I will not contort my poor toes into heels just so my legs look longer. I'm kinda frumpy most days and don't consider myself particularly beautiful (although the geek begs to differ), don't listen to the Clear Channel music feed of choice when I don't enjoy that style of music, don't like to own much beyond what I need (although clutter still accumulates somehow). But I write good songs, I write good prose, I have good friends, I am learning to know myself and in doing so, get out of myself and serve others, I love well (and when I don't, I recognize my failings and ask for help), I create, I dream better than the movies and I like it. I'm glad I don't have to wake up from the dream of the lie today. I'm sure there are other things I am in denial about, but for today, I am so not hot right now, and that's pretty cool.

Cookie NOW!!

My many years as a nanny for a day-gig give me the intense appreciation for parenting done well. I thought this little bit of fun was great to read and would have been a great bit of info in the pseudo-parenting I did over the last few years.

In the news 'VGA'

True Geek Love! (Tripod)

I'll just let you listen...(shakes head and sighs)

You've come a long way Ronan

From this:

on BAYWATCH: HAWAII!! lol
to this:

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.

I think this sums it up nicely, don't you? The 'siney guy always worries.'

In honor of my birthday boy

In case you didn't know, today is the greatest day evar. Thirty-three years ago, in a little town in New York State, a little boy came into the world. I imagine on that day he looked like a boiled turnip, but he outgrew that and now is pretty cute. I call him "Honey", but you know him as "the geek." I am so glad that your parents decided they needed another little boy around. Without you I'd never have grown up, or known what it is to truly love, or be loved. I am so glad you are on this planet with me. Happy Birthday sweet husband!!!

PS. This is actually the geek's 30th birthday picture, photoshopped to make it look like he's 33. In the background on the screen, you can see him turning 4 or 5. Still as cute as ever!!