Reeling

As you can well imagine, life has been turned on it's ear. I am still reeling about this, but very happy. The geek nearly exploded with joy upon reading the result. My reaction was more like..."Yay!...Oh CRAP!"

Everything changes.

What else can I say. I've had lots of great advice about this and lots of support. The truth is, these are uncharted waters for me (us) and I am TERRIFIED at times, and OVERJOYED at other times. Perhaps that's the hormones talking, but maybe not. I am ready and SOOO not ready. Good thing I don't have to have everything figured out right now! Your support and encouragement is needed. I'm glad I've got such good friends!
One called me today, a fellow musician, and what she said so encouraged me. I know I post as "the musician" but really, I have not done anything with that gift in a long time. Just this month I was pondering and praying about that and asking for willingness to become that again. I know it's me who self sabotages and goes and hides in a hole when opportunity comes my way. Just this month I was trying to reconcile the life of a mother with the life of a musician and found it to be incompatible in my mind. Now it's like, just when I was ready to take the first step, the door closes and I'm on to a different phase of life. One that I'm not sure I'm prepared for, at all! I don't want music to be something I used to do.
My friend heard all this outpouring, in tears of course, cause I'm CRAZY hormonal, and reminded me how writers and singers we know and admire have become so much deeper and better at creating their art because they had children. Women who have kept on performing, because it is who they are! Like it tapped into something that they never knew was there. That is a comforting thought right now. Especially when I look at the plan I had all mapped out to make me into the woman I thought would be best and realize that I am not that woman, at all. But am exactly where I am supposed to be. I can't always reconcile that logic in my head, but I know it to be truth.

I am a vessel now, in more ways than one
I can't imagine what the day will bring.
But I am willing,
I am waiting,
I am wanting to be free.
I am impatient,
imperfect,
imagining a better me.
When all the time,
The one who is here,
is the one who was meant to be.