A sigh of relief

The Geek and I took a tour of the hospital we are giving birth in the other night and we came home thoroughly disappointed and frankly worried about our choice. It all seemed so 'chop change, chop change' to us. The more I heard about giving birth in this hospital, the less I wanted to give birth there! They seem to have this conveyor belt of baby birthing and I felt swept up in the frantic pace of it all. For example: all the test they'll need to run on her as soon as she's out, the rate of interventions, and all of the things they do there to make things run smoothly! The large postpartum rooms were a thing of the past which was a HUGE let down, since we had been so excited to give birth in a nice place. About 2 hours after delivery they move you to a MUCH smaller room and to us, they seemed a little dinky...ok VERY DARK AND SMALL after the grandeur of the big birthing suites.

I had a melt down about it all that night with tears and fears (a Bio-Chemical tantrum, as one daddy to be site put it - and this poor dad understands too) and taking it out on the Geek, who agreed with me, but was dealing with it in his own way which happens to be WAY less vocal than me. (I feel like I need to say I'm sorry for my craziness every day! I really am sorry honey, even though that doesn't make up for how I hurt you when I'm crazy. I want you there every minute of our delivery, even if you do it your own way.)

I called friends that night and talked about it, but really was not very reassured. I finally talked to a friend today who is both a mother and a nurse. She listened to everything I was freaking out about and then talked me through each thing. She had a lot of both technical and experiential knowledge, plus she knew me and knew I am not the Freaking out type, so she addressed my concerns as valid rather than giving me the 'you're just pregnant and crazy' line (WHICH I HATE!). Here's what she said:

1.The postpartum rooms were now smaller because they had a lot of trouble with the large birthing suites. Because they were so large, they could accommodate a lot of post birth visitors, (15-20!) and it interfered with the mother-baby bonding. Some mothers nearly had nervous breakdowns because they felt like they were never alone and never allowed to rest. Although I know I'm an extrovert, the 48 hours I'm in the hospital (some of which will be labor and delivery time) are not the time to have lots of friends come visit. It's a time to rest, recover, and be with the Geek and our baby girl. I can have friends visit later. PLUS, our due date is in the height of RSV season which can be dangerous for our little bean.

2. What was it I was needing that made me think I had to have lots of people around after the birth? We talked this through and it led me to some fears I have about differences in personality between the Geek and I. The Geek = introvert, recharges through time alone and quiet. The Musician = Extrovert, recharges through time with others. What happens when the Geek (24 hours or so into the process) needs to recharge? I'm on my own. At least that's what I tell myself, so I need others there. But really, I don't know how I'll be in that situation. Maybe I'll just need sleep! Maybe I'll be enamored by my little girl and not want anyone else around! Maybe I can talk to the nurses, or lactation consultant, or pediatrician (they'll all be around)! Maybe I can let go of trying to control how the Geek will be and just let him have his own labor experience too. It helped to hear about her hubby (a GREAT guy and Father) who stuck by her for every moment of the first delivery (which he realized he could not do again without risking his mental health), fell asleep during her 2nd delivery and for her 3rd went home to sleep in his own bed! (after the baby was born, of course) It's just what HE needed to do. She wasn't thrilled about it all, but he needed to take care of himself. I forget that part. I'm the center of the universe, aren't I?

3. All these natural birth books, while great, neglect to remind the mother to be that birth, in the rest of the world, is still a harrowing and dangerous experience for women and sometimes the natural approach just wont work without serious risk to mother and baby. On her recent two week trip to Ghana, two babies died under the care of midwives and the two mothers almost died. It may be natural, normal and common, but it's exhausting, intense and sometimes (even in our medically advanced country) a dangerous experience. I get caught up in the natural side of it and forget that while I don't need to be afraid, I need to be ready to give up my ideals about what I want if it means putting me or her at risk.

4. To grieve the fact that it won't be all I have dreamed up in my head with my mama and husband there and everything all peaceful and natural. They may not have the capacity to be there for me like that, and that's OK. Even if I don't like it, it's still OK and I'm allowed to be sad for awhile. It's amazing how it all comes back to accepting what I'm given and finding joy in it.

I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I was heard, I was comforted, I was understood and in the end, it's about more than just what I think I want. Thanks H-, for all your wisdom.

PS. Sorry if this has become a 'pregnancy blog.' It's just what is on the forefront of my thoughts these days! I'm sure more will come into my head later.