Monday, October 06, 2008

Insides to outsides

There is some wisdom I have picked up along the way in this crazy journey and here is the sum of it for me today:

I compare what is inside me to what I see on the outside of others.

For example: I read their blog and think...they have the perfect life! What is wrong with me? Why is everyone else happy/contented/traveling/wealthy/married to the perfect man/skinny (or at least not worried about it)/beautiful all the time? I go to church and see the perfect smiling scrubbed faces of all those college students (when did we become the 'cool' church? Ick.) in their rock star clothes and perfect hair and I sometimes can't help but think that I'm the only one in the room that wakes up frumpy/grumpy/fat/discontent/broke/sad/pimple faced/and stuck in the US for years!

My head tells me it's not true and I'm only seeing as deep into them as they are allowing me, but the facts don't sink down any further (to the heart level) and I become discontent and resentful. When my sweet husband (who puts up with WAAAAY more than the average bear) doesn't act like I want him to, or magically read my mind to know what I want, I let him have it! To be honest, he alone bears the brunt of my grumpies. I don't really take out my grumpiness on anyone else. I don't think they'd take it and still be my friend. The Geek, on the other hand, would have to shell out a lot of dough to get away from me permanently, and still, we'd have a baby girl to bind us. That is a sad statement and in it, I see how much I take him for granted. I have been working very hard on this part of me, but still, it's there and still he bears the brunt of my malcontent. I'm so very sorry, honey!

For today, when I feel like everyone else is more connected to the earth, more beautiful, more content, more spiritual, more talented, more EVERYTHING than me, I'll remind myself that that is my personal way of finding myself lacking and giving myself an excuse to do whatever I want, no matter how destructive it is. So for today, I can hand this over to someone whose hands are bigger than mine and just accept where I am today, rejoicing in all of your accomplishments and joys. I do, after all, have amazing friends.

By the way, I am back publishing all of the posts I've started, but not finished for whatever reason. Some are important thoughts that I stalled out on, some are just little silly things. I'll list them at the bottom of each days post as I finish them. Here's one!

1 comment:

Kendra & Tobin Kirk said...

no one ever wants to show their bad/ugly side. That's why everyone looks like they are having the time of their life with perfect hair and complexion and traveling in style!

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