All's well...blissfully mediocre.

Things are as they should be. The baby is safe and sound and still where she belongs, my body has calmed down and the specialist had no idea why I was there (He did, according to his charts and stuff, but he found nothing to worry about.) He said I and she looked normal to him. It's a relief. I did realize how much I DO NOT miss work though. I do get a little lonesome for companionship, but by no means do I wish that I could go file, staple, scan, or invoice anything! Oh the perpetual angst of a musician not doing music.

Actually I'm not that angst-y about it. I feel blissfully mediocre today. I can still create, but I don't have to give my soul over to being so dramatic about it all. Perhaps that's just in reaction to watching Running with Scissors. I sincerely hope the book was funnier than the film, but The Geek and I sat through about 15 minutes of it with our mouthes open at the insanity of these people and then decided it was time to read a book together. I told him I'd watch it by myself tomorrow (today) and he turns to me, dead-pan and says, 'Don't watch it by yourself tomorrow. Watch it with a friend.' I didn't watch it with a friend, I just watched it and it leads me to a little modern culture annoyance: Why are only the most frighteningly dysfunctional aspects of life celebrated? Think about it. Most modern novels are filled with sexual deviants and frankly, crazy people. A future reader's quick perusal of the New York Times best seller list would lead one to believe that the average soul in our current culture was either gay or repressed, had some dark sordid secret that drove their neurosis, molested children, wished they did, and that God Forbid, if they were just average: loved, lived and died, that after their death the horrible chain of secrets they had spent a lifetime covering would all come unraveling, wreaking havoc on the defenseless, but clearly dysfunctional offspring left to sort it out. Seriously!

Not really a representation of this"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil 4:8. And yet, I am drawn in. I think I need to be more selective in my viewing habits like I am in my reading habits. In fact, I rarely read grown up books any more because of the above reasons.

In the ears today:
Derek Trucks Band - Joyful Noise
(for the guitar nerd in me) I can't help it. My papa raised me well.











Llama - Close to the Silence
(The band is no longer together, but DANG I miss these guys. Such a delicious jam band. The piano player has gone on to be a rockin' producer here in town, not to mention to playing for rock stars here and there. Not sure what happened to the rest of the band, but that one was my friend and I've kept up with him.)

Holding pattern

I'm still at home. The Geek had to go back to work today. (BOOOO!) So I've been puttering around doing minimal stuff and resting, like I'm supposed to.

As for the second ultrasound (boys-skip over this if you get grossed out by clinical terms) they found my cervix to be closed and long with is exactly what it is supposed to be. The Geek and I were leaving the tech's office and I said how funny it was that he now knows more about the state of my body that he ever has. I mean, really. What if I could tell you the daily (or more likely - monthly) state of his colon? It would be a little odd. But he knows all about the inner workings of my plumbing! Pregnancy definitely discourages modesty.

I did do some pre-natal yoga this morning which really helped relax me and make my back stop hurting. The baby girl seemed to like it a lot! She really squiggled around after I was finished. So much for resting and relaxing for her. She's more active than ever. Which is a good thing and I'm excited she's doing well. I thought I'd plug the yoga disk I did a little since yoga in general has (since college) made me feel really strong and relaxed, and this one was awesome! For those of you who are newly pregnant, you gotta try this!! (Click the picture above for a link) OK, enough commercials for now.

It was amazing to watch my church ladies pull together and offer to help me while home alone today! My neighbor came over and gave me food so I didn't have to think about cooking while I am supposed to be resting. How awesome is that?! She even took my poor cooped up dog for a walk so she could get some exercise. Thanks Jan!

Bed Rest...at least for this week

Sunday, my body woke me up from a nap with sharp pains in my uterus. I thought it was just those round ligament pains they've been mentioning for awhile so I moved around and tried to get them to stop. After about 10 minutes they did. I had them again that night before I fell asleep, but just plunked my handy dandy ice pack (not so ice-y any more at that point) on my stomach and it seemed to help. Then yesterday morning, they returned. I waited until my Dr.'s office opened and then called.

The lovely nurse there, who is very kind, said they could be those round ligament pains, or they could be something else, so to be safe I should go to OB Triage. That morning I had ridden the bus to work, and mildly jogged for the second one so I wouldn't miss it, had not eaten anything but pretzels for breakfast and was in general having one of those days where I was not being the perfect pregnant girl (with veggies and calcium and fiber and etc.), but I still wasn't terribly worried.

I had to ask the women in my office to get me to the hospital and it was fun to watch them jump into action, put me in a chair and run for their car! ( I was getting a little worried at this point) I wasn't able to get The Geek on the phone as it was Monday and Monday is his work from home day which means a few minutes before he has to be at 'work' ie, his desk, he rolls out of bed, grabs a little food and plunks down in his chair. I was at the hospital by the time I got him and so had to pass the phone off to my supervisor, who came with us to show us where to go, so she could give him directions while I checked in.

He was there in record time and I was hooked up to a belt that monitored the activity of my uterus. There were regular little blips which they called 'twitches', but didn't seem to be too concerned about. Then they did an extended ultrasound (30 minutes or more) to check the baby out. She was great! She nearly flipped over during the exam! We actually had a wonderful discussion with our ultrasound tech about life, religion, babies, family, race. It was fun. Plus she let us look at our baby girl for a lot longer. There was one frame where her tiny foot was there with toes and all! So sweet. I declared it was The Geek's foot and he said I was crazy.

Then we told her about our theories concerning her chin. So she, of course, looked at the profile to help us determine who's chin she has. (It's a family thing. I have a very prominent chin that I got from my mother and so far, all the grand-babies have it.) I still say The Geek, but perhaps I am mistaken. She gave us a BEAUTIFUL image of her profile with her sweet lips and nose showing. But I digress...the verdict was, my cervix is shortening (which is bad, because that's what it does when I get ready to give birth) and I was having contractions (which I didn't even notice during the exam and are normal for a pregnant uterus. Practice, they call it. But not in conjunction with a shortening cervix ). It's not shortening a lot, but enough to make them worry.

So the result was, home to bed until I get in to see a fetal maternal doctor, which will be Thursday morning. I just found out that I have another ultrasound today at 1:15 pm. If you are so inclined and when you think about it, if you could offer up the following:
Prayers for my baby girl that she will stay put, grow and be healthy.
Prayers that my body will calm down and do what it's supposed to do.
Prayers for wisdom for my doctors.
Prayers of peace for The Geek who has to watch his girls struggle through this, but can't fix it for us.
Prayers for me that I finally slow down and learn to rest. (it's a hard lesson for me)

Things I think I would like...Part one

This would be my t-shirt. We are so nerdy cool! It's so fun to be the musician and the geek!

Things I think my sweet geek will like...Part 1

This was just too funny to pass up. Click the picture to take you to the shop where this is written on a t-shirt. (The geek is an 2XL kinda guy FYI - for comfort!) No, it's not a shot at my sweet hubs, just taking all the things he likes with a dash of giggles.

grumpy

No sleep, no feeling in arm. Do not want to be awake right now. Don't understand how people can live on no sleep. It is cool outside though. I think I'll like this little break of almost fall weather.

If I go on bedrest, you guys are in trouble!

For my 3rd post of the day...(sheesh)

Here's photographic proof of what is to come...

It looks smaller when photographed from above! (oh what do I care...it's only gonna grow from here!

Remember when things were simpler?

The Olympics used to be a thing I could watch and enjoy without having all of the ensuing political implications and knowledge behind it all.

Lego representation of the Water Cube in
Beijing, China (Pretty cool...eh? To see them all go here)

Now I watch it with images of protesters, foreign policies, censorship, and human rights violations galore!

Oh for the innocence and the grandeur of it all. I hope I can help my little bean hold on to that for awhile.

(Fireworks kick off the opening ceremony of the 26th Luoyang Peony fair in Luoyang, in central China's Henan province, as part the continuous celebrations to welcome the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. Photograph: AFP/Getty Images)


Olympic Stadium - Greece

Slowly disintegrating

I'm sitting at my desk with a pillow under my arm, an ice-pack on my shoulder, and my feet up on a sporty 'office ottoman'. It's only 9:30 am and already I've begun to eat my lunch which I should be holding off on, but can't help eating because I'm starved! I should have done a bigger breakfast this morning, but didn't have time in attempt to catch the bus. That didn't much seem to matter since I missed my connector express and had to ride the slow bus to work. Boo! Some days it doesn't pay to get up at 6am. My bursitis is flaring up again and I miss the good ole ibuprofen these days! It's funny the things that our parents did (Drink, smoke, take ibuprofen etc) and we turned out fine on but are such a HUGE no no these days. I'm not sure what it does to the baby, but just mention it and watch the health care professionals all fly into a tizzy!

So it's 'crank up the home remedies' time. Massage, salt soaks, ice-packs, whining until hubby rubs that particularly aching part. Hee hee :)

I went to a little soirée last night and saw another pregnant girl from church who is about 2 months ahead of me. She has gained 25 lbs, but it is all in the belly. She said she didn't know where she was going to put the next month and a half of weight gain! She said she has not had any problems or noticed any particular things gone squirrelly with her body. Of course she is younger, more fit, but actually when we discussed it more, she admitted to having some of the same symptoms I'm having (fatigue, lightheadedness, thirsty and hungry a lot, aches and pains here and there, etc)- minus the whole right arm feeling as if it's about to fall OFF part. It's nice to know I'm not alone. (just more whiny about it obviously) It was fun to discuss babies with her. She didn't know what she is having but she admitted that when she and her husband 'looked away' during that part of the ultrasound, she sorta peeked through her fingers. Not that this could tell us inexperienced observers a single thing! It took the tech typing 'GIRL' on the screen for me to believe her. All those squiggly black and white images could be ANYTHING!

In the mean time, I called in pregnant yesterday and spent the day icing my shoulder and napping. I felt much better after that, but have to do the same thing today if I want to continue to feel better. I wish I could call in pregnant every day!

Still a girl...we hope (little mama update)

The geek and I went in for a second ultrasound so they could capture images of things she was laying too funny to capture before. (heart outflow valve and technical stuff like that) At 23 weeks I've gained a whopping pound and a half from my beginning weight and since she weighs almost all of that, it can be safely assumed that I have lost weight during this pregnancy so far.

I was giving myself a top gain of 15 lbs, but the doc said if I keep it lower (more like 5), it will be much easier for me. I'm not gonna kill myself to maintain this, but eat right and swim. My blood pressure (which I had problems with and am medicated for, from before pregnancy) is great and is still in the 'low' phase (100/50 today). It could go up in the last trimester, but I am hoping that swimming several times per week will help this not happen.

After several nights of severe arm pain, I finally went in to see an orthopedic doc and he ordered a nerve study on me. I had already seen a neurologist and his verdict was..."You are pregnant." Thanks...I didn't know that yet. It could be that my arm was swollen from all the weed-eating I did the day before. The geek has put the kibosh on any further attempts at using large tools in the yard and actually tried to get the doc to say I should refrain from any yard work at all! (She didn't. She said take it easy, don't get overheated, drink lots of water and don't lift big stuff) I can understand his concerns as my little belly keeps expanding and he gets a daily (visual) reminder of what is to come.

So she continues to wiggle and squirm and was only slightly cooperative during her ultrasound today. I am learning what I want and don't want in a delivery but since I am classified as 'high risk,' I wonder how much of that will matter when it actually comes down to it. I don't want to get hustled off and induced and drugged!

Maybe dis is de reason

It's been like a deserted wasteland in terms of my pals blogging. I asked the geek about it. His reply? "It's too hot to blog."
Maybe so.

Mmmm. Boooooks. Above average or bookworm...you decide.

The story is that apparently the National Endowment for the Arts estimates that the average adult has only read six of these books. Here are the markup guidelines:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Mark in red the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your blog

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 The complete works of Shakespeare (I've read a LOT, but not all!)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens (reading this right now...)
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie -
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

If I counted right that is 56 out of 100. I'm not sure if this makes me the biggest book nerd on the planet, or just very well educated in public school where I was MADE to read about half of those books. Yay for advanced classes! There are so many more that I could read and I guess I'd better get to them now while I have the time and the sleep to do it.

Speaking of lack of sleep. Another ultrasound today and she's more beautiful than ever. I'm convinced she has her papa's (that's the geek) nose which will suit her quite well. It's a cute nose really. We shopped for wall paint for her room this weekend and we are planning grass, sky and flowers. Plus lady bugs. You can't go wrong with lady bugs! (if something else turns up, we'll go with grass, sky and frogs!)

Alleged baby bump...

It's Friday!!!
I was a bit of a slacker and didn't go in to work at the beginning of the week, so the result is a Friday work day (but only part of one). For all of you who have to do this every single week, you have my sincerest sympathy. I have to get by some how, so here's how I'm coping as I prepare numerous, numerous documents to be scanned into electronic records....

Listening to:

and


Some thoughts...
Went to a birthday party last night and stayed past my pregnant girl bed time, but here's the thing: usually by 9pm I am toast, but I was so energized, I stayed up until at least 1:30 am and then got up at 5:30 when my body woke up and said "I'm DONE lying here!!" plus the cat came in for a pre-dawn ear scratch and snuggle. He's a little cowed from being chased ALL OVER THE house yesterday after I discovered he'd shredded our leather chair while I was gone that day. He had to go to the laundry room for time out. Today he gets his claws cut off again (we were trying to let him be au natural, but not with the furniture)! But I digress... The point was I had a reminder that I am an EXTROVERT! I get recharged by spending time with other humans and talking, even if it's just relatively mundane conversation! So with a full battery, I didn't need that much sleep. I'm sure I'll have a nap to make up for it later.

Another discovery is that I can feel the little bean on the outside of me and so would the geek if he would wait for it. She can tell when he's looking for her and gets still - she does it to me too! I am starting to finally 'look' pregnant as I approach 6 months, nevermind that she's still behind a nice wall of padding and it's only the padding that is pooching out right now - a wise woman once said "It pays to advertise" and if I am pregnant and I look it, that's fine with me, even if I know what is technically sticking out right now is not necessarily baby. It's still pretty dang cute as I am reminded every day when I hear..."Oh! You are starting to look 'Cute Pregnant,'" as opposed to "you might explode on me pregnant" or "I got the kid, but no signs of it except cankles and puffy cheeks right now pregnant."

I'm sure I'll get some pictures done soon. (Melanie?)

I meant 'As Is'

Just thinking of you today...

For better or worse
Even when the 'worse' is more than I can handle some days and I want to go back to the 'better'. Even when the world seems to plot against us and I want the easy path.

Richer or poorer
Even when the 'poorer' makes the 'worse' sometimes happen and I spend too much time daydreaming about the 'richer' days to come (or not to come)

Sickness or health
I shuffle (soon to waddle) back and forth between these and still you are here. I am grateful. I'll stick around for you too.

To love and to cherish
Cherish:
a: to hold dear : feel or show affection for
b: to keep or cultivate with care and affection
Cultivate:
1: to prepare or prepare and use for the raising of crops; also : to loosen or break up the soil about (growing plants)2 a: to foster the growth of b: culture 2a c: to improve by labor, care, or study : refine <cultivate the mind>
Cultivating requires pulling weeds sometimes. Weeds of doubt, fear, and resentment so the garden can bloom. I gotta work at this. I gotta give love a place to grow. I'll keep cultivating and loving and when I fail at it, I'll try again. I'm glad a new planting time comes every year.

Till Death...
You ain't gettin' rid of me and I ain't gettin' rid of you!! (even when I'm a pain in the tuckus or vice versa)

Ani DiFranco said it so succinctly...
When I said...when I said I'll take you, I meant...I meant As Is.

Time catching up

Time and all the things I've taken for granted are catching up with me in this pregnancy. Here's the list (not for pity, for information)

High Blood Pressure
Nerve Compression problems
Fibroids
High potential of Gestational Diabetes

With the exception of the first one, these are all things that have shown up in the last 5 months and all of them, without exception, can be traced back to one cause. Weight.

Now I've lived with a heavy body since the age of 8 and have thought that if people had a problem with it, they could get over it. I'm strong, active, and not too worried about it, or so I thought. The fibroids is what brought me reeling back to reality. They won't go away, there is no cure, and they are not reversible. I'm stuck with them and, later in life, they could cost me all my female parts, or interfere with future pregnancies. My doctor didn't seem to worried about them, but in combination with everything else I've listed, it seems to me that my body is raising a huge flag and saying, "Stop living this way!! We are falling apart here!"

Yet, as always, my habits don't match up with my goals. I do what is easy, rather than what is good for me. I either obsess or put on a blindfold and deny. One day it's carrots, bell peppers, hummus and water for lunch, the next day, a cookie. Changing means thinking ahead, doing what I don't want to do in the moment because my health and the health of my baby depend on me! I have 6 weeks until my OB does the test for diabetes (it doesn't show up until 24-28 weeks- I'm only 22 weeks) and my goal is to cut all processed sugar out of my diet by then and regulate my carb intake to make sure I am not overloading my system with sugar (either direct or indirect). It means grocery shopping differently, it means eating differently, it means paying attention when I want to veg out.

On a scale of 1-10 in terms of will power, I have about a whopping 2, at best, 0 when I'm having a baby moment, so support would be great!! This is a terrifying and yet humbling place for me. I know I don't have the strength to do it on my own, but know there is one place I can turn to. I just gotta keep going back there, every day, every time I want to choose the easy path. I know there is healing for the things I cannot change, but God gave me a brain and a will and even though he may have the power to make me a size 8 in a moment, He won't (at least I'm pretty sure he hasn't done it this way for anyone else). I gotta bring that brain and will to the table (literally) and do for myself what I am able and count on him for the rest.

Rick (not rolled) - a tribute to my youth

I'm very behind the times, but I today discovered the practice of Rickrolling someone (on youTube) but the ironic thing is, I used to LOVE Rick Astley, so when it came on, it was a lovely surprise! I just thought he was the dreamiest thing and had a great voice. I wore my cassette player out listening to him!!! Mock me if you will, but I always was a sucker for those baritone boys. Tenors are all showy and flashy, but give me a baritone any day! I did a little googleing and found out he's still around, singing, and making music but not like in the old days. He's 'thickened up' a bit since the days when he was this skinny red haired nerd, but still it's him. I listened to an audio clip of him being interviewed and was surprised to her him say that 1. He was 42 years old (EEEK! That makes me so very old!!) and 2. He had the thickest accent that sounded to me like a Liverpudlian. I never guessed that. After some more digging, I found I was right (actually a small town outside of it called Newton -Le-Willows.) That makes another favorite musician from that area of England. (I'm such a nerd and sucker for the Beatles)

OK, so this is just a little glimpse of how big a geek I was and I hope you've enjoyed it. Check out that red hair, crooked teeth and sweaty pompadore! Man he could sing! OK. I'm done. Cue the laughter. :) PS, gotta run. The bean just KICKED my bladder!! She'd better cut that out.

Dichotomy

Today I spent several hours cooking, cleaning, reading a book written in the 30's, scanning over the farm blog and getting twitter updates!

One one hand, the world of L.M. Montgomery seems so homey and lovely with life revolving around the family unit, the warmth of the kitchen stove, and nature. Then add to that the simple life of the farmers who, every Sunday, supply me with fresh fruit, veg, eggs, and meat from their hand tilled land. I long for the simplicity of it all, with perhaps not the added burden of having to make and wear those classic blue dresses. It just all seems so sweet. Yet, the romanticized version leaves out the tremendous amount of hard work that made my current state an often dangerous one for women at the turn of the century, (I can't speak for current Amish families giving birth to their babies).

And then there is my little world here in which I sit perched on my couch, blogging and getting updates from friends around the world via my cell phone. My handy vacuum cleaner in the closet, my new fangled car outside, and sweet, sweet air conditioning. (not that on a clean, rainy day like today I need it) I don't mind it. In fact I enjoy it.

But to pursue one life is to lose the benefits of the other and in this moment, I want the benefits of both. I want the simple natural life of living on a farm, without having to milk anything or pull weeds, but I would feel cut off from the world if I didn't know what the world was like outside my little fences. I want to have all my modern conveniences, but often I feel like my modern conveniences are making my life busy and filled up with stuff, noise, confusion, deadlines, and eye strain!

I have never been a good one for balance but I am hoping to learn it. Perhaps there is a way to both slow down and keep up. For today I can just revel in the moment, accepting where I am, the state of my body, mind, heart, and laundry and just be here. My little girl is wiggling and sqiggling all over the place inside me, my bigger and bigger cat is sleeping in a fuzzy spotted ball in the arm chair across the room, the dog is curled up in her cave (ie, her crate with a big old couch cushion and comforter in there), summer sounds of cicadas singing on the trees, the rain brought cool sweet air today and will bring even more fresh food from the farms, and every day, my hubs and I are finding sweet, quiet moments in which to grow deeper in love, friendship, and relationship. That's pretty good when you think about it and so, I am content.

Quite possibly the ugliest fashion brought to you by the most tasteless purveyor of clothing

Yes folks, this is, in fact, a dress. The not so recent wake of clothing purveyors who use sex to sell clothes has produced my least favorite, which I will not even name because you might in fact, cruise on over to their website and thereby unknowingly contribute to their empire built on pushing teen (or at least what is made to appear to be) 'soft porn' on the masses. I have noticed that since the viewer of said advertisements is often too accosted by exposed flesh or by distracting poses that would best be showcased around a pole in some seedy smoke-filled back room, they often fail to pick up on the fact that these clothes are, in fact, a hideous collection of uncomfortable crap, usually colored in shades more often found in my old 80's wonder palette of eyeshadow than on humans. But they go to far with this. It is equal parts hideous and comical and I dare say I would have a hard time not bursting out laughing if I saw them on a human girl out and about town. Aptly named 'figure skater', but I have to say the last time a figure skater wore this ugly an outfit had to be at least...what...1972? To make the best outfit ever, you must pair it with their other offering...Because no outfit is complete unless every single inch of you shines like the top of the Chrysler building. Seriously.

Lucky me

This has long been my favorite medium for griping to the world or taking a small stand against the injustice of the world, even if only my friends read it, but I have been thinking how I hardly mention the good things. I do that with almost every element of my life. It's like the splinter in my finger that I can't help picking at, even though the rest of me feels fine. So here's a list of things I am grateful for today. It is by no means comprehensive!

1. A wonderful husband. Hands down the best man in the world for me who loves me through my baby induced mental breakdowns, works hard at a job he hates, takes care of his family, is smart, funny and loving, and for whom I'd stick around while he built a rocket.
2. A wonderful baby. I still hesitate to call the baby 'she' but since the ultrasound said it's pretty likely, I'd better get used to it. She wiggled all night and I am so glad to finally feel her squiggling around in there. It was a bit disconcerting for half a moment and then I realize what it was!
3. A house to keep me warm, dry, and safe.
4. Friends (like you) who listen when I talk and who share my life with me making the burdens a little lighter and the joys even sweeter, even when I forget I have friends and go have a good baby induced cry on my bed because 'I have no friends.' It's pitiful really. I need a list by the fridge of people I can call when I forget I am loved.
5. A job. Not that it's the most exciting thing on the planet, but it pays the bills and the people are wonderful to work with
6. My health - I can still walk, talk, breathe, sing, swim and though I have little things (like the 'splinter') that irritate me, I am healthy and I am grateful for that.
7. Music. I got to sing this weekend at a conference with some friends and loved it. There's something about being on stage. Perhaps that's the showoff in me, but I am grateful none the less.
8. Sunshine. I love sunshine. I miss it when it's gone. Seriously. I get crabby.
9. Family - they make me insane, but I wouldn't trade them for anything! As I learn to let go, I enjoy them more. So they aren't the Cleavers, but they are pretty cool.
10. Sleep. I am about to miss this like crazy in a few more months so for now, I am grateful for 6-8 hours
11. Peaches - the CSA (community supported Agriculture) brought us sweet peaches this week and I have to say, I never really liked peaches before I tasted them fresh from the farm and not fresh from the refrigerated truck where they've been for a week or 2!
12. Freckles - my sweet pup who has been with me forever and still loves me when I am too tired and/or lazy to take her for walks. (she doesn't rank 12th in my heart, it's just how it came out. I like her more than peaches...well...sometimes)
13. Naartjie (pronounced Narchie)
my bug who runs like a champ in spite of being older than me!
14. the steps...all 12 of them, and the people who help me climb them, one at a time.
15. Jesus. Nuf said, since there aren't words for me to say how grateful I am.
16. Gizmo who provides us with unending entertainment and missing fridge magnets.
17. Swimming pools
18. Ears to hear with
19. Eyes to see with
20. Hands to hold with
21. A mind to learn with
22. That I don't always have to be right. A wise person once asked me if I'd rather be right or happy. I'd rather be happy and let everyone else try to be right. Being right never makes me feel good. Just like a know-it-all, or resentful when everyone else doesn't see how very right I am.
23. My guitar who's case is currently in need of a fresh application of duct tape (200 mile per hour tape) to keep it together, but still sounds as sweet as the day I paid way too much for it seeing as I was a beginner!
24. The interwebs! at least the good parts
25. Moleskin journals that smell new, to write in with archival pens so my journals won't be erased by time and random water leaks
26. For endings to things so I can look forward to the beginning of something new.

See dis? I feel dis.

Imagine if this (dats a grapefruit people) had been implanted inside your abdomen and every time you rolled over in bed, you felt it. Now try to get some sleep. Sheeyeah. Right.

Back at work. Made a new door sign!

It's so hard to come back after nearly a month off! I'll regale you with stories later, but for now, I wanted to show off my new office sign.

Wimpathon...2008

I am steadily becoming the wimpiest version of myself. I've always been the 'Can-do' girl. I've moved furniture, done construction, hiked, biked, canoed, swam, cooked, cleaned, plumbed, invented, and watched other people's kids while doing all of that!

Now I am finding at a mere 16 weeks along, I am a weenie. I kind of ignored that rule about not lifting more than 20 lbs while pregnant, a lot, and it's finally catching up with me. There's a reason they tell you not to, but I am a know it all and figured, "I'm tough, I can do this occasionally." Like carrying an 85 lb canoe with one other person this past weekend. The result...painful cramps where there should NOT be cramps, just a baby, having to go to bed while we had company over and letting the guests and the geek shift for themselves on Father's Day, trouble sleeping, swollen fingers, feet and knees (I'm sure other places, but these where the ones I noticed) and lots of other little worrisome pains here and there internally. The trouble with me is, I used to be able to work like a horse and when I was done, sleep and feel refreshed. Any aches and pains were canceled out with a few handy ibuprofen. Now, I find my self wiped out before I even begin to do anything! Then if I press on, I'm over-doing it. I can't seem to find this balance!

The geek is not used to the changes either. He's always counted on me as a strong partner in any undertaking and now he's getting the brunt of the heavy lifting, so to speak. It's a bit of a strain on him though he takes it with more grace than I'd be able to muster. His first Father's Day and I'm in the bed! It sucked, but he was kind and caring and I am grateful. I never understood how people could get divorced while the wife was pregnant, but now I'm beginning to understand. Without grace, understanding and a willingness to put up with my (closely spaced) bouts of insanity and emotional breakdowns on the part of my sweet geek, we'd be through! I'm hard to live with. I can see that very clearly. I hope to find a more balanced place and learn to let go and trust.

We had an great example of that on the river the other day. I was tired before we even put the canoe in the water and due to some previous mishaps on that river with another friend, not trusting of the Geek's ability to steer us through the rougher parts to safety. Any of you who have paddled down a river will know that you can't steer from the front of the boat, but I was trying! Or at least trying to boss the Geek at the rudder. He finally pulled over and we had a mini 'discussion' about who was in charge of the boat and would I let him be the biggest and the strongest and trust him? It ended amicably and I realized I was not even upset about how we were going down the river, I was fearful about being out of control, worried that I was already too tired to be able to go down the river, and upset that I'd had to hike back to the car to get the forgotten life jackets and paddles. When I said all that and admitted where I was weak, it was easy to let him be the boss of the boat. I ended up having a great time and letting my nephew paddle in the front while I relaxed in the middle like the queen on Sheba on the Nile! It was great to see what a great man that the geek could be when I get out of the way, and let him wear the pants (or steer the boat). The geek always has this joke that he wears the pants, I just tell him which ones. Like the woman in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" who says "The man is the Head (of the family), but the woman is the neck and she turns the man whichever way she wants" If I'm the neck, then who is my husband following? Not God. And I don't think I'm a reliable source to follow. So in my wimpiness, I'm asking God to teach me to let go and let my hubby follow the One who has a WAY better plan.

Sweet, Sweet interwebs!

Oh how I've missed thee, interwebs. My nephew (a small clone of my big brother) is visiting for the next week (a total of 2 weeks) and we've been running around doing things fun for an 11 year old. The list so far:

Friday - his first plane trip ever! He loved it.
Saturday - worked at the ice-cream shop - the wee clone was my sample man and raked in the tips! (all of which I handed over to him)
Sunday - Sounds game - spent a zillion dollars on crappy hot dogs and icees, but it was fun and HOT. Sadly I got a little ill and we had to leave in the 5th inning. I have lost the ability to regulate my internal temperature lately and can't take the heat. It never used to bother me!
Monday - rode bikes to the Y and swam for several hours and then rode home. (with plenty of water breaks)
Tuesday - picked up the bug (all fixed!! Horray!) from the shop - by way of a 40 minute walk and a bus ride. After I shorted out the dash we nipped down to Autohaus to pick the brain of my friend BMWnerd who is a whiz with car electronics. Turns out I needed just a fuse!
Wednesday - went to the lake with Freckles!
Thursday - went dumpster diving for cardboard boxes and built a giant fot in the the wee clone's room!
Friday - lumped around and had a Harry Potter movie marathon. My friend Steph from way back came up to visit and spend the night.
Saturday - canoing in the Harpeth (yes, again - we like it)

New pregnancy symptom - check out the posting time for this blog. I wake up SO hungry and unable to sleep in the middle of the night. Hate it! I know I'll be so tired later (like when we are on the river) and there will be no chance for a nap! Sheesh. Wish I could sleep, but once I'm awake, I'm hot, figitey and the geek's snoring (albeit more gently than ever in the history of our marriage) keeps me awake and thinking about random stuff like home repairs. I'm sure I'll hear from all the experienced mom's "you just wait, it gets worse." Why tell me stuff like this? I don't like to be prepared for the worst! Let my cup stay half full and quit trying to drink it!

By the way, for those who are keeping up: I'm 15 weeks and the bean is about this size:

News you can Yews

This is a yew branch and has nothing to do with this post.

Summer is heating up and I am so glad to have a little time with no 'work', none that I get paid for anyway. My nephew is coming up to visit for 2 weeks (he's 11 years old) and then we both go to Texas to go to the same camp that I've been attending since the age of 6. We have lots of adventures planned for our time together, including another brave attempt at the Harpeth. I might bring someone bigger and stronger than me this time, if he agrees to it.

Working at the Creamery has been an adventure. Oddly enough I am not overwhelmed by cravings of ice-cream. The trick is to be lactose intolerant and to know the impending intestinal havoc that will follow if I give in. That being said, I'm a huge fan of the Trailer Trash 2.0. Trailer Trash is the owner's handmade vanilla ice-cream with every added chocolate candy bar you can think of. Trailer Trash 2.0 is that, but in her amazing Chocolate ice-cream. I gave in a little bit. Not overboard. Still paid for it in the end (pun intended tee hee!)

I am officially in my 2nd trimester and so far am just as tired as I was before. So much for that wave of energy I was supposed to get. I wonder it it has anything to do with working 2 jobs and swimming 3 days a week....nah. The first signs are there. I wore a skirt, that had been quite comfortable about a month ago, to work last week and ended up having to unbutton, unzip and pull my shirt down far so no one could tell. I just tucked in the flapping button ends and went on! I have still not learned totally that this is not a time to pretend like I am my old self. There is some pressure to continue with my old way of operating, but when I do act like I have all the energy and strength in the world, it catches up with me and I'm in the bed with a headache for the whole next day. I'm a smidge hard headed. What can I say.

The best news is that we are using our economic incentive to fix the bug, so the geek can have his own car (and space) back and I'll be cruisin' in my sweet tangerine super beetle! Just in time for escalating gas prices! Wow, ain't we lucky.

Thats all for now folks.

Police Mopeds - exception to the rule!

I spotted this on my way to work and had to pull over, stand in the street during morning rush hour and take a picture. It looked like some nerd version of a biker gang, but then I realized they were Police mopeds AND they were parked illegally. (See the 'no parking to corner' sign that they are ALL on the wrong side of?) Hilarious!

Near drownings on the Harpeth!

OK. So the title was for shock value. I went canoing on the Harpeth River this last week with my friend and her 4 kids (age 10-4) and we had a few tip overs, but all it all it was fun and no one drowned. The geek and I planed to go again on Monday, but we woke up to storms. Boo. Happy Memorial Day all! I am thinking of my little brother who is still in Marine training out in California. He's bound to be shipped off soon and I hope I don't have to remember him on Memorial Day, just Veterans day.

electric skin

Everything is irritating me today, even the clothes I have on! I suppose this is just another one of those mysterious side effects of being pregnant, but I do not like it! It makes everything green (this is the color I've always associated with prickly feelings on my skin - like when I'd wake up in the night with a dead hand from sleeping on it.)

I am wiggly

i am: wiggly
i think: like I am in a fog – thanks little one!
i know: I am loved, but don’t always remember. (kinda like times tables)
i want: to go get in the pool
i have: work to do, but don’t remember to do
i wish: i had no more debt and didn’t have to worry about bills.
i hate: the smell of humanity, the unwashed version.
i miss: being able to work harder
i fear: being left alone forever
i feel: physically refreshed, but mentally tired. I also feel content and happy
i hear: the white noise of the office AC unit
i smell: cubicles
i crave: sunshine
i search: for my water bottles, I have three and still they elude me
i wonder: what my baby’s face will look like
i regret: not being a better friend over the years
i love: so much it hurts sometimes
i ache: because my blood pressure is a little elevated today
i care: about my neighborhood
i always: loud
i am not: shy anymore
i believe: that Jesus is the best thing that happened to this world
i dance: to Sixpence when I wash dishes and to Jazzy favorites with children
i sing: without knowing I am
i don't always: pick my clothes up off the bathroom floor
i fight: to protect the helpless and innocent and for the ones I love
i write: because I cannot help but write. It comes out on whatever is handy
i win: radio station drawings for uncool prizes and become ineligible for the cool ones 2 days later!
i lose: my keys
i never: have returned to my birth country
i confuse: others around me, at work apparently.
i listen: to the sound of summer
i can usually be found: never in the same place for longer than a few hours
i am scared: sharks, for no good reason. I wish I could stop being scared.
i need: time, affection and attention (not the bad kind)
i am happy about: the bean being as big as a fig and the geek coming back from ‘Man Camp’ excited!

you?

First Mother's Day!

Sunday morning I woke to a sweet 'Happy Mother's Day' from the geek, who then rolled out of bed to make me bacon and eggs - except we were out of bacon AND eggs. So cereal...out of milk. This whole making breakfast for me for Mother's day was starting to look grim, but then, I remembered the $20 in tips I got from the ice-cream shop the night before! We quickly dressed and headed to Noshville (our favorite Sunday morning restaurant) for ham and eggs and griddle cakes! We didn't get to sit at the bar with Linda (our favorite waitress) but it was good all the same and we enjoyed the food immensely (until I ate the silver dollar potato latkes, which were fried, but I've never had trouble with them before - guess babe doesn't like grease in the tummy)plus I got a little corsage to wear! Happy Mom's day to all you moms and moms to be!

Ummm...I gotta go practice.

Yuto Miyazawa - 8-Year Old Japanese Guitar Phenom! from Metal Edge TV on Vimeo.

Remembering the light - Dawn at Miami Beach

It’s dawn on Miami Beach. The sun is rising without much pomp or circumstance, much as it does every day around here. The sand, still littered with last night’s seaweed from high tide and last night’s trash from high life, stands nearly empty of people, cool under my feet in the gray light.

There is an older woman, stocky and large of bosom, dressed in what must only be called a bathing ‘costume’, for she wears what appears to be a shapeless green and blue dress, thick black stockings, and a turban. Her movements are awkward in the shifting sand close to the constant rhythm of the waves. She sits down at the water’s edge and is surprised by a larger wave, a herald of the high tide that is coming.

Aside from the seagulls, there is one other person, a young guy, dressed in a black tank top with close cropped hair, who keeps, like me, taking snapshots of the horizon and gazing back at the boardwalk as if waiting for someone.

The night still hides in the hollows of all of yesterday’s footprints, purple and fighting the dawn, while the crests of the hollows become tinged with orange. The sky is painted the same color, as the sun plays coy for a few moments. At the horizon the clouds make cities with peak and towers against a blood red sky. In a moment, the blaze of the sun peeks over the edge and in a moment more, it sends its light in a fiery band across the waves to me, here with crossed legs and squinted eyes, trying to capture the beauty of something so mundane, but so exquisite.

How many sunrises must the world have seen by now, yet each one seems miraculous in and of itself, as if, in our hearts, we forget what the day is in the dark hours. But soon the dark will have nowhere to hide, not even in the hollows of footprints, as the sun makes it’s daily sojourn to the top of the dome of heaven.

Way to deal with the BIG issues...

This was my letter to the editor of the Nashville Scene:

"In the face of city-wide hearings to possibly cut multiple bus routes and limit AccessRide (disability services with MTA ), and with MTA facing a budget shortfall of over 2 million dollars due to the price of fuel, I pick up a copy of the scene to fine the riveting headline story of...a Burger Contest?

Come ON! How is this news? Maybe the Scene got big advertising bucks for this story, or some food critic got to eat burgers at a ton of cushy joints, but with gas prices rising this summer and the city in DESPERATE need of a greener and cheaper alternative to everyone driving individual cars, one would think that the Scene, usually the champion of the these 'big bad city plans to screw the little guy' type of articles, would pick up on this. No, it’s not the typical Scene reader that will be affected by these cuts, but it should be. What better way to encourage all of those environmentally concerned, carbon footprint reducing readers to help both the city’s growing smog and transportation issues than to make an appeal to the readers to show up at those hearings, make their opinion know, perhaps get ON the bus themselves and see what they can do for their city.

If that’s of no concern to you, how about the City council’s plans to close the only public pool in the Cleveland Park neighborhood that sits between Dickerson and Ellington Pkwy? Plus the removal of the ONE bus route that could actually bus the children of the neighborhood to the closest pool (East Park), the # 30 line, which is on the docket to be cut. Hmm. These issues seem way more important than whose burger tastes the best and which of your employees got to clog their arteries by feasting on ground beef. How about paying a little attention and not sitting silently by while the city’s children, disabled and people of lower socioeconomic status get the shaft?"

OOOOooo. It burns me up sometimes! If you have an opinion, please attend these public hearings:

*NOTICE OF PUBLIC HEARING*

The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) will be holding four Public
Hearings on the following issues:

* Fare adjustment for MTA regular and AccessRide services. The
Metropolitan Transit Authority is currently considering five possible
scenarios for fare adjustment ranging from a 5 cent to 25 cent increase to
the base fare as well as associated increases in other fare media and
passes.

*Possible removal or reduction of some or all of the following routes:

· Route 13 – Sylvan Park

· Route 31X – Harpeth Valley Express

· Route 1 – Vine Hill

· Route 45X – Oak Hill Express

· Route 16 – Madison – Old Hickory

· Route 30 – McFerrin

· Route 37X – Tusculum Express

· Route 8 – 8th Ave. South

· Route 41X – Golden Valley

· Route 18 – Airport Express – Elm Hill Pike

· Route 2 - Belmont

* Possible reductions in service on all MTA routes, including the
elimination of night service, Saturday, Sunday, and Holiday service, as well
as the Night Owl service.

* Possible reduction of the ADA AccessRide service to areas within 1.5
miles of regular service routes.

The public hearings will occur at:

6:00 PM, Monday, May 5th, 2008 at the Rochelle Center – Building-A
Conference Room, located at 1020 Southside Ct.

12:00 (noon), Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at the Downtown Library,
Conference Center, located at 615 Church Street.

5:30 PM, Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at the Downtown Library, Conference
Center, located at 615 Church Street.

6:00 PM, Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at the Madison Branch Library,
located at 610 Gallatin Pike.

* *

Additional meetings may be held and will be announced at a later date.

* *

Please note that attendance at these meetings is not required for comment.
You may also mail your comments to MTA Planning Department, attn: Public
Hearing Comments, 130 Nestor St., Nashville, TN 37210, or fax your comments
to 862-6208, or email them to mta.publichearings@nashville.gov. Comments
will be received until May 14th, 2008.

For ADA accessibility information contact:
ADA Coordinator
130 Nestor Street
Nashville, TN 37210
(615) 862-5950

Family, with all the fixin's

Growing up I heard about families that had lost touch with each other, that didn't talk anymore, or had huge rifts that could not be overcome and I listened in wonder and in my innocence, thought 'my family will never be like that.' Oh how I was wrong. As I get older (and I'm not so old) things just get more and more convoluted. Brothers and sisters go out into the world and depart from the vein of living they learned at the family home. Some stay on that path, but others for whatever reason, follow a different path. Yet we are all still connected by an invisible thread of blood-bond that cannot be broken and the actions of one, for the good or bad, effect the family unit. Not that we all go down with the ship if one decides to destroy himself/herself, but that tug on our hearts is there, no matter how we try to sever it.

Today I am sad about that kind of situation in my family. I have given up my old ways of trying to mend all the fences and now I strive to just let go and let someone bigger take it from my hands, but that thread tugs at my heart and it hurts, more than I want it to. It's a relief that it's not my job to make sure all the people in my family turn out safe, happy, and whole, but I can't help the sorrow I feel as I watch them go through the hard parts. It reminds me, even more, to cherish the relationships that I have, to love well, to be honest, own my part, ask for forgiveness when I am wrong, and in the end, to let go of the result.

Musician's Life tip #1005 - Not for GUYS!

Wisdom often comes from experience, so let me share a little life tip with y'all.

It is generally a bad plan to wear a lace bra under a t-shirt. Although the desired effect may be to look good in your clothes and to know you are wearing something pretty for either yourself or the hubby, it generally ends up looking as if you have stored 2 large balls of cottage cheese under your shirt, rather than boobs.
Not a good look.

Brave New World

My Papa (Dad) has a facebook page! What?!

What dog-moms have know all along.

Found this on the discovery channel website tonight. A universal 'duh' was heard by all dog owners.


"April 22, 2008 -- The emotion conveyed by a dog's bark often seems obvious to its human companions, but new research shows just how clear the message can be -- at least, to other dogs..."

Spring flowers bring...less time blogging

Have you noticed how B-E-A-utiful it is outside? If not, close this browser page RIGHT NOW and run out of doors. I don't care if you are in a 100 story office building, people!! GO OUTSIDE!

I just thought someone was stomping around!

I woke up at about 4:44 last night and the room was shaking. I thought it was the Geek, stomping around downstairs and a sign that our house did really have some structural issues. Nope. It was an earthquake. In Nashville. I didn't know that could happen!

According to this little blurb in the Tennessean, here's the skinny"

"9:40 a.m.

State transportation officials are checking bridges across Tennessee for possible damage from the 5.4-magnitude earthquake that shook the area overnight.

The Tennessee Department of Transportation has crews out in West Tennessee doing visual inspections, in particular focusing on crossings over the Mississippi and Tennessee rivers, says Julie Oaks, spokeswoman for the state highways agency.

In Middle Tennessee, crews are making visual checks in the northern counties as far east as Cumberland County.

Oaks said the department doesn't expect to find any damage. "But as a precaution, we are checking."

- JENNY UPCHURCH"

Other links here and here

UPDATE! - as I was posting this @ 10:16 am, I felt another little tiny aftershock. Weird!!

Just to make you laugh

see more crazy cat pics

Slow down...you'll get there quicker, or at least you'll get there

Yesterday we did the double birthday bash for friends. The first was a trip to the Sounds game, Nashville's own minor league team, for a neighborhood friend's big 3-0. We got minorly trounced at 4-1, the 1 coming at the end, when we sort of rolled our eyes at how the bases could have been loaded and caught us up! Sheesh. It was over the fence! The geek and I consumed green hamburgers, jumbo dogs and nachos so salty they made my mouth dry up! It was very fun. The camaraderie was the best part of all!

Then it was on the the next party, which was a bash for our pastor at the Rutledge. Live music, hot wings, cheese, fruit and two giant cakes with golf balls (made of icing) on them. We enjoyed music by Trigger Code and more - MC'd by Mojo, formerly of the O.C. Supertones.

While we had a great time and got to wish fabulous people a happy birthday, I found that in the second party, a rock show and outrageous birthday blowout by all accounts, I missed the intimacy and connection that I have so come to crave. I notice that craving is stretching to other parts of my life. It's easy to post here and know that you all will read it, and I don't have to make phone calls to tell you news or cool story to make you laugh, but while it's a great method of getting the news out, it's a sterile method of friendship. I haven't gone over my minutes in months! That never used to happen. We used to have to put a ban on talking or only talk at night in order to keep our phone bill out of the crazy range!

The geek and I, in passing, talked about maybe turning off the internet for awhile and getting still. It might not happen, but still, it's a reminder to me of what I value. And this blog, emails, Reuter's news, and silly cat captions don't come anywhere near the top of that list. You might hear more from me in the weeks to come as I practice being intentional with people. It's a skill I don't always come easily by. It's much more efficient to post, have a laugh, make a run by appearance at parties and then save my energy for writing or working, but it doesn't make a very good life. I am so grateful for all of you.

Sweet Hearbeat

I never thought I'd be so excited to see a blurry image of a little bean, but I was. After a weekend of worry and things that had us wondering if this was the end of the pregnancy, the geek and I went in for my first ultrasound. I'll spare you the details of gowns and wands, but when I saw that little tiny baby, with it's heartbeat winking fast,a little head with a little eye. Wow. I am overjoyed that it's still there!!! To the average observer, this is not a picture of much, but to me, and to it's Papa, it's beautiful! We are beside ourselves! The geek is taking photos to work! (not of the procedure. Ick.) He said this was the first time he really connected with the idea in actuality. I couldn't decide which was more fun to watch, the screen where our little baby was making it's first appearance, or the Geek, who was grinning like a kid! So here's it's (we don't want to say he/she until we know) world debut!

The Bean
Closeup!

Leigh and Matt - Making sweet music again!

This may be old news to everyone else, but WOW! Leigh Nash announced it on her Myspace blog and the world quietly turned on it's ear. I didn't know how much this space was lacking in my musical heart. I've missed the bold words, the stunning melodies, clear voice, and inspiring guitar riffs that make up this incredible band up. If you don't know Leigh Nash and Matt Slocum, maybe you'll recognize the name of their old band, now back together. Six Pence Non the Richer. (their site is slightly out of date, so check out other sources) They did a rockin' show this last Sunday @ 3rd and Lindsley with other Nashville wave maker - Trent Dabbs.

Some days there is just too much great music bustling around in my head and in the world around me. I feel like I need to expand to take it all in and let it all go.

No waiting

I was with some friends last night and they were talking about the process of waiting, which I suck at, BTW. One of the gals shared this quote:

"We don't wait for life to become perfect to begin to live it fully."

I'm not sure where she heard it, or what it was from, but brought the table to a quite moment as Peter, the other ponderer, and I scribbled that furiously in our little notebooks. I have been thinking how much I wait for "someday", when really this is the moment I am supposed to be in. My list goes like this...if only I were ____________ (thinner, smarter, richer, funnier, braver, quieter etc ad nauseum!) or if only I had ____________ (money, a new car, more of whatever)

This whole experience of having to wait for the little bean to make an appearance is strange for me. I forget it's happening and then a plate of eggs just a slight bit too runny flip my stomach over and the thought is back in my face!

Over the last few years, there have been many times where I thought I had the answer to things; that I knew just where to go and what to do, and then the reply (when I thought to slow down and ask - usually when things got out of hand) was to wait. I hate waiting. (so does Indigo Montoya, but that's another story) Actually, in hindsight, had I pushed ahead with what I thought the answer was, or SHOULD be, my life would be very different right now and I don't think for the better. There were so many things that I had to learn the hard way, just like always, and there were so many things that have been hard, but staying in them was the right answer, even though it felt painful.

The geek and I just celebrated our 4th Anniversary together last week. We went to the restaurant where we ate on our very first date (then unofficial) SATCo, if you must know. Then, as per our tradition, we found a photo booth and took silly pictures. You know, those kind all in a strip that you used to do with your friends when you were in Jr. High and you weren't too cool to roll up your tongue and make a pig nose? Yup. Those. So far we've taken one each year but our first. We didn't have the idea then. But had I done my relationship with my geek like I've done every relationship in the past, I wouldn't be in those photos with him (nor would I be gestating a little bean!). That tells me my thinking is off and to learn to love, grow, and be changed, I have to listen to people a little bit wiser than me. And wait.

So all my ducks are nowhere near a row, but here I am, living life, loving that sweet geek of mine, even when I don't like him. The reward? He comes home from work and we sit and talk for a moment, honestly, openly, without our defenses up, and from that, the roots grow a little deeper. I'm glad I'm still by your side Fozz, and you, by mine.

The all new, clumsier Me!

I have not been THIS unaware of what I am doing since Jr. High. It's risky business being me right now. So far, I've fallen off the sidewalk, re-pulled my hip flexor muscle by running to catch the bus, and this morning, I attempted to sit in my chair at the office and fell out, landing squarely into a set of file draws. I'm sure I'm going to have a huge bruise.

Sheesh.

Why...

Everything smells like vomit today. I can't get the smell out of my nose! No one threw up, and yet still...
Blech

5 weeks along

Since discovering I am growing my own symbiote, I decided to start a blog about it. Here's a recap of how this happened. No gory details, mind you. If you want those, go to sex ed class. This was not planned. We had been thinking about having one of these, but the thought for the last, nearly, four years has alternately scared the bejesus out of me and had me making googley eyes at newborns I see at my local coffee shop.

I had some clues that something was different, starting Friday.

First, I went TOTALLY ape-shit on a stranger for poor driving skills and basically informed her what a pathetic excuse for humanity she was and that she was an unfit mother. Hmm. Usually I just let that crap go.

Then this happened: Crying and then laughing, then crying, then raging, then crying, then laughing. Whew. I feel pretty nuts. And that was just 2 hours worth!!

Then, I thought to myself...what if I'm not just late (which never happens, by the way. I am a 28 days girl. You could set a clock by my uterus!). A quick trip to the drug store for some left over Easter candy and a few prego tests later...(which, by the way is WAY too complicated. How hard can it be to wee on a stick?! This is why they don't just give you one.)

Well, you saw the results yourself!

I've had my first wave (or 5) of nausea and I am not pleased, even though it means I am less likely to miscarry because of all the progesterone flooding my system, I hate, hate, hate nausea. I'd rather just go ahead and puke than walk around feeling like that, which, I've been informed, doesn't make it stop.

Then I remembered that gestational diabetes runs in my family. So, like a good girl, it's down the sink with all that Easter candy. Which, by the way, didn't happen. I had to have BD (my husband, the "Baby Daddy" lol) take it away from me. I had consumed most of it!

To top all of that off, my OB-GYN let me know that since I started out heavy, it's best if I LOSE weight during this pregnancy! Sheesh. How in the WORLD is that going to happen.

As for keeping it a secret, I always did suck at that, at least when it comes to surprise parties and the like and this is WAAAAAY better than that. I told all of my family (there's a lot to tell, I come from a huge family) and the BD told his. (the term BD sounds so naughty, like we aren't married. LOL!)

So now, at just 5 weeks along, when the little bean is no bigger than a piece of cous-cous, everyone knows. As for how I feel about it, I've gone through so many emotions in the last 3 days, I can hardly tell you. All in all, I am happy about it. Thinking about the future and all of the things that will change kind of makes my eyes go wide, but I know that things will iron themselves out and it's not my job to make them all go smoothly. BD is ecstatic and totally freaked out, and ecstatic. It alternates, really.

Reeling

As you can well imagine, life has been turned on it's ear. I am still reeling about this, but very happy. The geek nearly exploded with joy upon reading the result. My reaction was more like..."Yay!...Oh CRAP!"

Everything changes.

What else can I say. I've had lots of great advice about this and lots of support. The truth is, these are uncharted waters for me (us) and I am TERRIFIED at times, and OVERJOYED at other times. Perhaps that's the hormones talking, but maybe not. I am ready and SOOO not ready. Good thing I don't have to have everything figured out right now! Your support and encouragement is needed. I'm glad I've got such good friends!
One called me today, a fellow musician, and what she said so encouraged me. I know I post as "the musician" but really, I have not done anything with that gift in a long time. Just this month I was pondering and praying about that and asking for willingness to become that again. I know it's me who self sabotages and goes and hides in a hole when opportunity comes my way. Just this month I was trying to reconcile the life of a mother with the life of a musician and found it to be incompatible in my mind. Now it's like, just when I was ready to take the first step, the door closes and I'm on to a different phase of life. One that I'm not sure I'm prepared for, at all! I don't want music to be something I used to do.
My friend heard all this outpouring, in tears of course, cause I'm CRAZY hormonal, and reminded me how writers and singers we know and admire have become so much deeper and better at creating their art because they had children. Women who have kept on performing, because it is who they are! Like it tapped into something that they never knew was there. That is a comforting thought right now. Especially when I look at the plan I had all mapped out to make me into the woman I thought would be best and realize that I am not that woman, at all. But am exactly where I am supposed to be. I can't always reconcile that logic in my head, but I know it to be truth.

I am a vessel now, in more ways than one
I can't imagine what the day will bring.
But I am willing,
I am waiting,
I am wanting to be free.
I am impatient,
imperfect,
imagining a better me.
When all the time,
The one who is here,
is the one who was meant to be.

umm...

Thats the news...and now for the weather!

It's spring!! Can you believe it?! Why does this seem like such a frickin miracle every year? It's almost as if I can't believe that the trees actually have leaves and the grass is any other color but a washed out tan. I grew up WAAAAY south of here and the tease of warm weather has been playing havoc with my brain!! I am halfway ready to pack up my bags and go south for the winter. I am so very tired of being cold. I should actually be a hibernator instead of one of those creatures who is awake for the winter.

Nothing amazing to report. We did end up finding a tenant and she moves in this weekend. The geek works 40 hours a week at a job, and I only work 20, so the care of the cottage is my other part time job. If I do it right on the front end, I earn about $500/month for not doing a whole lot, aside from the occasional repair job. I'm getting quite handy these days! Yesterday I bought tin snips and made a backsplash for the stove. Who'da thought I'd be this handy. (well...I did come by it honest. Have you ever met my Mama?)

Me and Freckles were at the dog park yesterday and someone called her a "rolly polley dog." I could have killed them! How dare you call my dog fat?! I think I'm projecting. She didn't seem to mind at all. It did, however, let me know that the change in her dog food was not a good change. Back to the expensive brand!
This summer I am headed to Longview, TX to head up the music for the Day Camp I grew up attending. It's not like what it was when I was a kid. We aren't even allowed to swim in the lake any more for 'insurance reasons.' How crappy is that!?! What if we based everything we did on how much it might cost us in insurance? We might just sit at home. I can't live as if I am guarding myself from insurance risks! Bring on the lake! As long as there are no alligator snapping turtles. Have you seen those?! Yikes!! Grampa used to sit an pick them off the logs with a rifle as they came up to sun. They'd eat the feet off of the ducks, wait for the ducks to drown and then eat the ducks. I like my toes intact, thank you VERY much.  Check out this guy!! OK. I digress....

So apart from killer turtles, I can't wait for the summer. I got to write the them song for the camp! It's about telling people about Jesus. The song is called "Go Fish." I love my job.

Sometimes I forget things like zombies...and then....

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN.

This made the geek and I crack up tonight. Especially the shambling. Never forget the shambling!!

The Heartache Tycoon

I'm not the only rock star in my family.
My little brother actually lives up to that title lately. He's rocking my face off lately with his Americana Country as he seems to be really finding his groove. His newest song "Heartache Tycoon" is dripping with irony, his quirky sense of timing and humor as well as the back way he catches you with a killer lyric. It's not recorded yet, but it's gonna be great. He told me this song's been raising the roof at the local joints in Austin he plays regularly. I can believe it.

As for his style, he's more and more like a male Lucinda Williams lately but sometimes I think it's Ryan Adams and I listen harder and hear my brother's words! It's so very cool.

The reason for blogging about him is this: he called to tell me he was auditioning for Nashville Star! And he's just doing it for laughs. He has a whole fake act and costume and everything! We laughed last night that there's gonna be so much ham, people are gonna think it's Easter Sunday dinner! So if you see this tall, skinny, red-headed guy all in black with huge sunglasses, that's my brother! I gotta see when Nashville star comes on and if I can get it on the internet, since we don't have channels. In the mean time, check him out on myspace. He ROCKS! And yes, before you leave comments to this effect, I know we look A LOT alike.

I'm not up on the skinny

As part of a quest to have more space in my brain to actually create something, I don't have TV channels. We have a box that shows a picture, but if you turn it on and flip the channels, you will get the blue screen. (not the blue screen of death. That is another matter) There is nothing there. Yet, sometimes it's good to snuggle down in a big arm chair and watch a good show. To accomplish this, we have made netflix into our cable company. We get all the series' (a year behind) and are perfectly content to watch them (a year behind) until we catch up and then have to wait another year for say..."House" to come out on netflix. For all of you who are currently rolling your eyes at my extreme uncoolness...yeah. It's never gonna change. Get used to it. I once knew a rock star that while on the road with nothing to do, spent HOURS in WAL-MART. Every day. Better than drinking, I suppose. Musicians are not cool by nature. We are nerds by nature. (that's why we need 'artist development' lol) Ask any musician (even those spandex wearing types once they sober up - drinking hides the nerd-dom). But I digress.

We watched 'The Closer' this weekend and while her thick southern accent was good, it was much like a British person doing a really good American accent. It's good enough to fool the brits, but not me. Only a native can hear the difference. And I am a native. The show was great though, so far. Kick Ace southern chick with an axe to grind and a sugar addiction? My kind of gal.

We also watched the new adventures of Horatio Hornblower (didn't know he had old adventures!) and had a chance to hear a Brit do an American accent there, amongst all swashing and buckling. (or, since they are not Pirates, but primly dressed British navy-men: Swashing and Buttoning lol) It was Swash-Buttoning adventures on the high seas! The geek apparently used to mock his little brother for watching these shows as a kid. That little brother grew up to be a bit of a genius who runs a million dollar web company now. Careful how you treat those siblings!

So there's no real point to this post except for rambling on and on about stuff that is so old news. But I liked it, so really it's new news to me!